Talk Like a Gentle Soul
by Scars of Friendship
Summary: Joanna McCoy hasn't seen her father in almost 10 years. Now he's returned from his five year mission, she's determined to spend some time getting to know him again, no matter how awkward it is. But she's not the only person in her father's life, she soon realizes, as she begins to see the developing relationship between her father and Captain James Kirk.
1. Chapter 1: When is a Home not a Home?

Talk Like a Gentle Soul Summary: Joanna McCoy hasn't seen her father in almost 10 years. Now he's returned from his five year mission, she's determined to spend some time getting to know him again, no matter how awkward it is. But she's not the only person in her father's life, she soon realizes, as she begins to see the developing relationship between her father and Captain James Kirk. Notes: Every other chapter will be Joanna's point of view, as this fic isn't just about the McKirk (though it features heavily) but also about the father-daughter relationship. I've tried to research Joanna as carefully as possible for this fic and worked out she'd have been roughly 10 during the events of the Narada, so I made her 16 for the purposes of this fic. This fic hasn't been beta'd, though I'm certainly up for someone to help me out if there's anyone out there who wants to do it! Will contain eventual explicit content.

Chapter One: When is a Home Not a Home?

It had been ten years since Joanna McCoy had seen her father. A decade. More than half her life. Of course, she had seen him on vidscreens with his prompt weekly calls to check in on her. He never forgot her birthday or to ask her about recitals or horse riding competitions. He knew her friend's names, would happily gossip with her about her school life like he'd been on Earth all this time.

But she hadn't been in the same room him since she was six years old.

She could remember him vaguely. She could remember the ghosts of a strong fatherly hug, of warm hands on her face, stroking her hair. Of a deep, growl of a voice that read her bedtime stories.0

She shifted restlessly. They were waiting for the Enterprise to disembark. The Press were swarming the transporter pads, eager to take shots of the first crew back from a five year mission. Joanna tried not to be too concerned about her appearance. She hadn't thought there would be such a furore and she'd just put on jeans and a t-shirt, throwing on her school jacket and shoving her hair up into a ponytail.

She had thought it was important that her father recognised her, rather than making herself up. Looking at the other daughters and women around though, she started to feel that maybe she should have made a bit more of an effort. Maybe a bit of blusher and eye shadow would have been a good idea?

There was the glowing white light on the transporter pad of the first crew member to beam down, taking on the tradition of 'First Kiss'. Camera bulbs flashed and Joanna felt her heart in her mouth. She had been briefed by Starfleet that her father would be one of the last off the ship as one of the most senior officers and one of the Captain's closest friends. He was due to beam down with the bridge crew.

Joanna rubbed her palms on the inside of her jeans. She'd convinced her mom that it was okay. She was sixteen and she could do this on her own and stay with her dad for a few weeks. Her mother hadn't been convinced, but Joanna had won the argument in the end. It wasn't that she disliked her mother, her stepfather, or her life. She had just wanted to see her father before he went back into the black where she couldn't follow him.

Wave after wave of crew members stepped off the pads, their families surging forward to greet them. The sounds of crying, laughter, shouts of greeting, whoops of joy flew through the air and Joanna found herself smiling as she moved forward. Soon there was only herself and a few others left waiting. An elderly Vulcan, a beautiful Asian woman, two middle-aged Russians who seemed to be having a rather serious conversation in their own language, a proud looking black man whose eyes never left the transporter pads. Joanna guessed that they were all waiting for the bridge crew.

She could feel the tension mounting. The journalists had taken enough photos of 'ordinary' people now and were waiting for the legends. Joanna still couldn't get over the fact that her father had _become_ one. That her father's name was almost celebrity now, after the discoveries that he had made. The Enterprise bridge crew were more than just officers of Starfleet now, they were public figures.

She watched as the white lights coalesced for the final time and shapes began to take form on the pad. In the centre was Captain Kirk, stood tall and smirking slightly. He made a comment to Commander Spock beside him, something that Joanna couldn't hear over the sudden yells and cheers of the crowd. The Captain raised a hand, waving and laughing and then started to urge his bridge crew off the pad.

Joanna didn't move forward. She could see her father exchanging quick words with the Captain, a scowl on his face. Kirk didn't seem to even notice the scowl, clapping him on the back and pushing him off the transporter pad and down the steps. She'd known that her father and Captain Kirk were friends. She'd even talked to the Captain on a few occasions when he father had been too busy to answer a communication from her. Kirk had always answered her calls if her father was unable to, explained what was going on, and got her father to call back when things were convenient. He seemed like a nice guy.

"Jo…"

She heard her father's voice. The low Georgia drawl that she associated with the times before, when things had been simple and easy. Before her parent's divorce, before she had moved away from home, before peach cobbler became something she only had if she made it herself.

Joanna took him in. He looked tired, though he seemed happy. He was smiling at her and she could see the dimples in his cheeks. He ran a hand through his hair as he walked towards her, stopping in front of her somewhat awkwardly. She paused for a moment, wondering how you greeted your somewhat estranged father, before she made her decision.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him close. She was tall for her age, but her father still had to bend slightly at the waist before wrapping his arms around her. He squeezed her so tightly against him she struggled to breathe.

"Hey daddy," she said, closing her eyes because she could feel inexplicable tears burning in them. She felt him adjust his arms, holding her even tighter and she couldn't find it in her to complain. She clung to him, trying to remember if she'd ever been held like this by him before.

He smelled strange. There was a hint of cologne, but that was underneath the smell of disinfectant and a distinct smell of just… _space_. Of recycled air and sonic-cleaned clothes. Underneath that there was the faintest smell of sweat, like he'd been busy throughout the day and hadn't had a chance to change his shirt. She wondered if she smelled weird to him.

Joanna opened her eyes and was met with the sight of the transporter pad. Captain Kirk stood there alone, his arms clasped behind his back. No one had moved forward to meet him and Joanna saw his eyes weren't scanning the crowd looking for people, more taking everything in. She wondered why the Captain of the ship had no one to welcome him back and gently drew away.

"Jo, you're a lot taller than you seem in your vids," her father said, putting his hand on the small of her back to lead her away. She took his hand though, stopping him from moving her on. He looked confused but she gestured to the transporter pad.

"Why isn't anyone here to meet Captain Kirk?" she asked, frowning slightly. Her father looked up at the pad and she could see sadness pass over his expression. He shook his head and Joanna took that to mean he either didn't know or wouldn't tell her.

"No one should come home after five years and not get a hug," she said, pulling on her father's hand. She wasn't quite sure what she was doing, but her father let her drag him along and he didn't protest, though it must have been obvious what she was planning.

She moved up the steps to the transporter pad and cleared her throat somewhat awkwardly.

"Captain Kirk?" she said. He turned, the numbed expression on his face lifting when he saw her, his eyes lighting up as they danced between her and her father. She noticed the way that Kirk's expression seemed to linger on her father slightly longer than necessary and how the Captain's posture straightened slightly.

"Miss McCoy. It's a pleasure to meet you in person at last," he said, saluting her. Joanna smiled, glancing behind her at her father. She'd been warned all about the Kirk charm by her dad, who had regaled her with stories when she'd reached her teenage years. She was sure that they were supposed to be lessons on why not to get involved with boys, but Joanna had enjoyed the stories. It had been refreshing to hear about someone who wasn't playing life by the rules.

"You too Captain Kirk. I just noticed no one was here to welcome you home, so I thought I would do it," she said and stepped forward. She gave him a very brief, somewhat awkward hug. He wasn't as broad as her father, but somehow he seemed less huggable. He seemed too tense, like he didn't know how to deal with such a platonic show of affection.

Flashes went off all round them and Joanna pulled back, feeling sheepish. She felt her father's hand rest on her shoulder and glanced back at him to see that he was smiling however.

"Oh god. Are you sure she's yours Bones? I'm pretty sure that there's no way that someone this charming has your genetics in them," the Captain joked, turning slightly so his back was to the journalists. Joanna guessed that it was to try to stop them taking a decent picture and smiled.

"Well, the DNA tests check out," her father replied easily, quirking an eyebrow at the Captain. "Besides, just because you aren't wooed by my Southern charm, doesn't mean there's no one who finds it attractive."

"I guess some people find that Southern belle thing attractive," the Captain was smirking and Joanna felt like she was suddenly caught in the middle of something strange. It almost sounded like the Captain was flirting and she wasn't entirely sure what to make of her father flirting with… Captain Kirk.

"God, Jim, you're a pain in the ass. You've been planetside less than ten minutes and already you're hitting on my girl?" he asked, pulling Joanna close in mock-protectivity. Joanna didn't want to point out that she didn't even _have_ a Georgia accent like her father, and that perhaps the Captain hadn't been referring to _her_.

"What can I say, Bones? She grew up to be a real beauty," he said, and he dropped the smirk for a genuine smile in her direction. Joanna smiled back, feeling somewhat unsure.

"Well, Jim, we're going to make a move. We've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm sure you understand," her father said. Joanna nodded. It was slightly awkward to think about being alone with him after all this time, but she knew that they did need some time to just… get used to each other. The physicality of each other as well. Her father through a vid screen just didn't quite match the man he was and she didn't quite know what to make of him yet.

"Yeah sure. I'll pop round later for some of that bourbon. Going to want a few drinks after I've gone through the press machine," Kirk said. Joanna felt her father's hand twitch on her shoulder but his expression remained open and comfortable.

"Yeah have fun with that. I'll see you later, Jim. Come on Jo," he said, leading her away.

Joanna glanced back at the Captain when she was almost about to leave the room. Although he was surrounded by reporters, he was watching their retreat almost exclusively. When he saw her looking back he nodded at her, before turning away to face the reporters.

* * *

Joanna sat somewhat awkwardly on the sofa. Her father had poured her a glass of lemonade and placed it on the table before her. He'd then hovered, uncertainly for a moment, before going to unpack his things.

She sipped the lemonade. It was bitter, more suited to adult tastes. She tapped her fingernails against the glass as she took in her surroundings. Her father's apartment was sparse, with no photos or trinkets. She guessed he hadn't been much of collector before he'd gone into space.

"Do you mind if I put the TV on?" she called. There was a bang before her father reappeared, scowling slightly.

"Don't have to ask," he replied, picking up the remote and handing it to her. She took it, feeling hesitant still as her hands clasped it. This place didn't feel like her house, it didn't even feel like someone lived here. It felt almost clinical, like her father had replicated a part of the hospital waiting room and brought it home. The only difference was the slightly less battered furniture. It looked like a lot of the pieces had only just been unwrapped from their plastic.

"Um… can you sit down?" Joanna asked. It felt weird to be so formal, but she felt inexplicably nervous and it was clear her dad did too. They needed to talk, to clear the air somehow so they could get back to being as natural as they were in their vid conversations.

"Got lots to do. Didn't realise Jim had dumped a load of his sh-stuff in the spare room. Tryin' to clear it out for you," her father replied, censoring what she assumed had been a curse word. She quirked an eyebrow at him.

She had known that the Captain was close to her dad, but she hadn't thought he was _that_ close. Dumping things in his spare room? Joanna wondered if she'd be able to get some information from the Captain when he came over later, about her dad, about their mission, about their friendship.

"I can help," she said, standing up eagerly. Her father shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"It's fine. I wouldn't want you to move Jim's stuff for him. You're a guest."

"I'm family," Joanna asserted, folding her arms defensively. Why was it that Kirk could dump his stuff and make her father tidy it up, but she couldn't help? Why was she a 'guest' but Kirk could leave his things everywhere? "I'm not here to sip lemonade and watch TV. I'm here to see my father whose been in space for the last five years. Now either let me help or send me back to mom's."

Her father looked at her for a long moment before he smiled. "You got my temper, I see. Come on, I'll show you to the room you're going to be staying in for the next few weeks… although I'll warn ya, Jim's left it in a real mess."

He led her to a room that did, indeed, look like a bomb had hit it. Men's clothes lay scattered everywhere, a few old paper books as well. The bin was overflowing with paper waste and reports with technical titles were spread across the dresser.

"Are you sure Captain Kirk doesn't live here?" she asked, picking up a t-shirt with the tips of her fingers and flinging it into a laundry basket by the door.

"I'm sure, Jim sometimes forgets though," her father replied sheepishly as he scooped up a few more sets of clothes and threw them into the basket.

"Does he come over quite a bit?" Joanna asked, moving to the desk and starting to pile up the papers. She was surprised to find that most were academic reports on a wide range of topics. All were by Kirk and they had notes scribbled in the margins. Essays on xenolinguistics, engineering, philosophy, Starfleet history, all scattered messily across the dresser with no seeming order to them. She just gathered them into one pile.

"Well, he comes over more than the other crew members of the Enterprise I guess," her father said. He had an exasperated expression on his face, but his eyes spoke of a certain level of fondness.

"Looks like the papers weren't lying about him being a genius," she said, holding one up about the philosophical integrity of the Prince Directive before adding it to the pile. Her father gave her a wry smirk.

"Oh, Jim Kirk's a genius alright. Shame he's an arrogant, annoying asshole as well. That paper was written literally just to give Starfleet the middle finger after they tried to put a mark on his file for violating the Prime Directive when the people of the planet were going to be wiped out unless we did something," her father seemed to be half-grumbling, half-admiring. She was glad she'd finally got him to open up and talk to her, even if it was only about Captain Kirk. It would be awkward to change the topic, to talk about other things, even though what she really wanted to talk about was how they were going to go about repairing their somewhat fractured relationship.

"You're growling but I know you like him really. You wouldn't have let him practically move in otherwise," she pointed out. She put the papers in a drawer and turned to see her father looking wistfully at a shirt in his hands.

"Dad?"

He jerked slightly and scrunched up the shirt, throwing it towards the laundry.

"Bastard's been borrowin' my clothes," he said. Joanna nodded. It was odd. Her father seemed downright antagonistic towards Kirk, but there was evidence all around her that they were clearly close friends.

Her mother had told her that her father was a difficult man to get along with. That he was sensitive, but that he expressed himself badly. It was easier to be angry at everything than see it how it really was. Joanna wondered if that's what it was with his relationship with Kirk. A strange, bizarre, McCoyish way of showing affection.

"Captain Kirk is coming over later, right?" she asked as she started to strip the bed. Her father nodded, once, pushing open the curtains, revealing a picture frame that had been sitting behind them on the windowsill. It was a photo of her father and Kirk. They were wearing Academy uniforms and the table in front of them had a considerable number of beer bottles on it. Between them an Orion woman sat. Her hand was on her father's knee in a possessive gesture, while her other hand was snaked around Kirk's neck, pulling him towards her.

"Who's that?" she asked. Her father looked down and for a moment his expression wavered. He picked up the frame, blowing some dust off it.

"Gaila. An ex of Jim's from our Academy days. She, er… she died when Vulcan was attacked," he said softly. Joanna's eyes widened. "I didn't know Jim had squirrelled this away in here. It was the only photo we had of her."

Joanna took the photo from her father's hands. Although her father was scowling in the picture, he did look honestly happy. So did Gaila, her eyes lit up and shining. Kirk looked… like he was supposed to, she supposed. His head was ducked slightly, his shoulders hunched against being pulled closer, as though slightly reluctant. His line of sight traced Gaila's other hand on her father's knee.

"Did you date her too?" Joanna asked, placing the photo on the dresser. Her father barked out a laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You didn't date Gaila, if you know what I mean," he said, turning to open the window. Joanna felt her face heat up when he realised what he meant. "Even so, we weren't involved. She always referred to me as _Jim's doctor_ so it was kind of awkward to talk to her. She and Jim parted on bad terms as well, so I guess he feels guilty and wants to remember her."

Joanna gave the photo one last glance before turning to continue to strip the bed down. She had known her father had been involved in dangerous missions, had known in an abstract way that he had been on the front lines, but she'd only ever thought about the fact he'd survived. She'd only ever considered what the papers told her, of the legendary Enterprise crew, about how they were heroes. It had never occurred to her that her father had lost friends or that he might have watched those he loved get injured. She glanced again at the photo of Gaila. How well had he known her? How much had he mourned her passing?

"Did you lose a lot of people on the mission?" Joanna asked, feeling insensitive for asking but desperately wanting to know. She needed to know. Needed to know something that wasn't in the papers, that wasn't common knowledge for anyone with access to a Starfleet database. She needed to connect on a personal level. Her father didn't even bat an eyelid at the question though, grabbing a cloth from the side and beginning to wipe over the window sill.

"A fair few, but not as many as most ships. Jim is good at getting us into trouble, but also at back out of it," he replied. Joanna nodded, sucking her bottom lip as she thought. Maybe she owed Captain Kirk for more than just keeping her father company?

"You're so weird, dad. One minute it's _arrogant asshole_ the next it's _good captain_. Shouldn't you at least try to stick to one interpretation?" she asked. Her father laughed again.

"If Jim Kirk fit neatly into a box, trust me, I would. You'll probably find out for yourself tonight anyway that Jim doesn't really fit most normal classifications," he said. Joanna dumped the old sheets into the laundry basket.

"Say what do you want for dinner anyway? I don't have any fresh food in so it'll probably have to be take out," he said, brandishing the duster as he spoke. Small particles of dust fell onto the wooden floor without him noticing. She smiled slightly.

"Anything's fine, dad. Really, I eat anything," she said, sitting down on the mattress to watch him work.

"Well that makes at least one of you easy to feed for tonight…"

Joanna hadn't understood what her father meant until hours later, when Jim Kirk was choking on his food, eyes watering against the allergic reaction that seemed to have occurred.

The Captain had arrived on a motorbike of all things and come straight into the apartment without knocking. He'd draped his leather jacket over the back of the sofa and slumped comfortably into one of the armchairs. She had been envious of his ease in her father's house, as he seemed to just fit in instantly.

He'd proceeded to complain, in increasingly bad language, about his day and meeting with the Admiralty. Joanna had listened as her father responded with a heat and loyalty that surprised her.

"Better pop an antihistamine just in case, Jim. Chinese food for dinner. Might be cross-contamination," her father had warned. Kirk barely paused in his tirade, taking a packet of pills out of his pocket and knocking back two dry.

Feeling a bit like a third wheel in the conversation about Starfleet politics, Joanna had set herself to work setting the table and then perched awkwardly on a chair as he father started to lay out the food on separate plates in the middle.

Kirk sat across from her and spent a few moments just looking at her as he spoke. She felt flustered. She hadn't done anything to draw his attention, and she guessed that he wasn't being too rude. It was just strange to have someone so important looking at her so openly.

"So, Joanna, you're sixteen right? Thought about what you're going to do after high school?" Kirk asked. Joanna licked her lips, wondering if she should tell the truth or not. She'd had plenty of fights with her mother about it already.

"I know what mom wants me to do," she replied, helping herself to the yuk sung. Her father sat down beside her, wisely keeping his own counsel on the matter.

"Oooh. Teenage rebellion, I forgot what that sounded like," Kirk said, laughing and sipping some of his water. He helped himself to some of the food.

"Like hell you have. You sound like that all the time," her father said waspishly. Kirk just smiled and popped a piece of chicken into his mouth with chopsticks.

"It's not teenage rebellion it's just that… I don't really know what I want to do. My mom wants me to go pro with my show jumping, but I'm not sure I want to do it as a job," she admitted. Kirk was chewing thoughtfully as he listened, blue eyes alert and attentive. Joanna wondered how her father coped if Kirk looked at him with those eyes every day.

"Not gonna lie, I've got virtually no knowledge of horses. Are you good at it?" he asked. He paused to clear his throat and Joanna saw her father scowl across the table.

"Not as good as I am at Xenobiology. Mom says that the competition for the Earth-based courses is too stiff though," she said. Kirk's eyes flashed but her father interrupted him before he got a chance to say what was on his mind.

"Damn right it is. Those courses usually require you to go into space for a few months as well. The ones that are purely theoretical and based on Earth are nigh on impossible to get into," he was waving his chopsticks as he spoke. "Though I'm sure you'd get the grades if you applied yourself."

He popped some sesame toast into his mouth with his fingers. Joanna prodded a stem of stir-fried broccoli with her own chopsticks.

"I'm not even sure if I want to do it yet. I mean, the best courses all seem to have an element of space tr-"

She was interrupted by a sudden choking sound. She looked up to see Kirk slamming his fist against his chest, his eyes watering as he coughed. Her eyes widened, alarmed, but her father just sighed, getting to his feet.

"Could you not have left the pineapple fritter alone Jim? It's not like it wasn't obvious what it was. Christ Jim, I'll get the hypospray," he said, wiping his mouth with a napkin and leaving the room.

Joanna hovered awkwardly half out of her chair but the moment that her father left the room, Kirk straightened and wiped his eyes. He looked perfectly fine now he wasn't pulling an 'I'm choking' face and he opened his fist to reveal a rather mushed pineapple fritter.

"Yeah, best not to tell your dad you want to go into space, kiddo. He'll have kittens imagining all the ways you're going to die. Might be better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission on this one," he said. Joanna leaned back in her chair, staring at the man like he'd grown an extra head.

"You faked an allergic reaction so I wouldn't tell my dad I was thinking of pursuing a career in space?" she asked, aware that her voice sounded sceptical. "Captain Kirk, you're weird."

"Call me Jim," he said, laughing slightly. "And if you knew all the shit I've put up with from your dad over the last five years about all the ways you can die in space and how he's never letting you up there, you'd understand what I've just saved you from."

Her father returned and Jim put the act back on, grimacing when the hypospray was pressed against his neck. Joanna saw the fritter was hidden under his napkin and she smiled at him across the table.

"So, Jim, tell me about your adventures with dad. I want to hear all the best ones!" Joanna said, leaning forward eagerly. Her father protested, but Jim overruled him, starting to tell a story about tribbles of all things.

Joanna laughed in all the places she knew she was supposed to, and when the story ended, she felt somehow closer to her father through Jim's presence than she had when they had been alone.

"Bones, I'm going to crash on your couch tonight if that's alright? I want a few drinks before bed," Jim said, once most of the food had gone. Her father just nodded, putting a bottle of liquor on the table and three glasses.

"Don't tell your ma," her father said, as he poured her a finger of the bourbon as well. Jim's eyes twinkled as she sipped it and pulled a face, pushing it away.

"I'm going to leave you two old men to gossip and go get a shower," she said, standing up. She wanted to brush her teeth because that had tasted disgusting.

"Oh yeah, sure, leave me to do the washing up," Jim said, laughing slightly. She shook her head and walked round the table, kissing her dad on the cheek.

"Night dad 'night Jim. See you in the morning," she said, before taking herself off to the room that they'd cleaned together.

She lay down on the bed, staring at the photo on the dresser. Her father's face stared back at her, along with woman she'd never met but James Kirk's attention was solely on her father. She stared at it for so long she felt she'd memorised every fold of clothing, every bottle of beer, every gentle slope of bodies, twisting around each other.

Looking at that photo she realised that she really had no idea who her father was at all.


	2. Chapter 2: Jim: What to Sacrifice

Chapter 2: Jim: What to Sacrifice

* * *

Summary: He'd ached for Bones for 9 years and now… now it was time to let it all go. The universe had given him luck in his career, and he guessed it was just karma that Jim Kirk would never find love in all the ways it truly mattered.

* * *

Notes: Chapter two is from Jim's point of view and is an interlude rather than a full-blown chapter. Thank you everyone who reviewed yesterday. I'll try to keep updates coming!

* * *

Jim shifted restlessly on the sofa. He tried to stretch out but his legs hit the arm and he ended up curling them back up again. He pulled the blanket up, over his shoulder, trying to get comfortable again without his butt sinking between the cushions of the couch.

His mind continued to race through the events of the day. The excitement on the Enterprise as they entered the lunar dock, the air tinged with sadness but no regrets. Jim remembered smiling for them all, even as his heart sank and nausea spread through him at the thought of returning to Earth. He knew many of them wouldn't return to serve under him. They would either be promoted or choose an Earth-based position for their next assignment.

He suspected Bones was amongst those who wouldn't be re-joining him. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts and not dwell on it.

When Joanna had stepped forward on the transporter pad, hazel eyes bright and nervous, he hadn't known what to expect. He'd known she was Bones' daughter; she shared the same expressions of her father, though he knew that Bones would never claim to have done much to raise her. Still, Jim could see Bones reflected in her smile, her mannerisms, the way her brows drew into a slightly worried frown.

He turned again on the sofa.

Bones had been by his side from Day One. He'd sat there on that shuttle beside Jim and spewed bourbon and fast food all over his shoes. At the time, Jim hadn't been amused, but now he felt a certain wistfulness. He'd been naïve and young and hadn't understood everything that McCoy had been trying to tell him on that flight. Not that he agreed with the sentiments expressed now, of course, but he at least knew the mind-set behind them.

While they'd been waiting at the lunar dock to return to Earth, Jim knew he had acted in a selfish fashion. He had known Bones had probably not made plans to return to the Enterprise, and still he'd talked to the other like this was merely leave before they went back up into the black. He'd thought that perhaps if he needled enough, he could convince Bones to come along for another ride through space. But then Jim had seen him greet Joanna. The way his face had lit up like a thousand sons and how uncertain he looked.

Not even Jim was enough of an asshole to try to separate them again. Not just for himself.

He'd have Spock, of course. The Vulcan wouldn't dream of abandoning him, much to Uhura's dismay. She'd probably come along too, to keep an eye on Spock. Scotty would never abandon the Enterprise, so Jim supposed if he got to keep her, he'd be working with Scotty again.

But not Bones.

And that was what it came down to in the end.

During his first year at the Academy, Jim had hounded the grumpy doctor into a reluctant friendship, dragging him out drinking, forcing him to meet girls. McCoy had growled and snarled and pretty much gone along with whatever Jim wanted, letting himself be dragged into places where he had the potential to be the oldest one there and weathering it, propping himself up at the bar while Jim chatted up conquest after conquest.

In their second year, they had roomed together. Jim smiled, wearily, as he thought of himself back then. He'd so gradually become attracted to Bones that he'd not even noticed it. In his mind, everyone flirted with Bones, everyone would lean against him, seek out his company, get him drunk and crawl into bed with him… It wasn't until Gaila had pointed it out that Jim realised that he was definitely falling for his best friend.

_Sex is fun, Jim, but a connection like you have with Doctor McCoy is funner. That is not the correct word, I know, but you understand its meaning I think._

Once she'd pointed it out, he noticed every little thing he did and began to conundrum of whether or not to stop. Bones had never made any overt moves showing he was interested in men as well as women and Jim didn't want to make the first move. Didn't want to push anything that might end their friendship. He pushed it down within him, forcing it away from the surface and trying not to notice when he acted on his emotional instincts.

Tried not to act too concerned when Bones worked thirty six out of forty eight hours and only had time to sleep before he was back at the hospital. Tried not to notice when Bones' t-shirt pulled tight across his chest when he was working out. Tried not to run his hands through Bones' hair on night's out, to make it mussed and sexy looking.

At the start of their third year, Bones had started dating one of the nurses. It had been a brief tryst that ended quickly but Jim had felt the burning jealousy within him, the crushing weight of disappointment that Bones really wasn't interested in him, despite him always having been there for the other.

He went back to his old lifestyle, picking up women, men, beings in bars and fucking them in alleyways, cars, toilets, before coming back reeking of sex and booze. Sometimes he'd get into a bar fight, come back with black eyes and Bones would tut at him and regenerate his face. Sometimes Jim picked fights just to feel those cool fingertips on his face and felt pathetic about it.

Bones blamed his third year relapse on failing the Kobayashi Maru and Jim allowed him to believe it, taking the test again just to continue to live the lie.

He'd pushed the feelings down deep inside and tried to ignore them as best he could. Over their five year mission, he'd struggled, determined to never let it slip that he might have feelings beyond friendship for his CMO.

He knew he'd slipped at times. He was certain Spock knew, had seen it in his mind, in his expression, through his touch telepathy. Even so, his First Officer had made no mention of it directly and Jim didn't even know what he'd say if he did. It wasn't like Spock was one to give relationship advice and Jim couldn't think of anyone worse to talk to about unrequited love.

He'd ached for Bones for 9 years and now… now it was time to let it all go. The universe had given him luck in his career, and he guessed it was just karma that Jim Kirk would never find love in all the ways it truly mattered.

He rested his hand on his stomach.

There was more to worry about than just his crew though. Yesterday had brought forward some interesting comments from the Admiralty. The word _commodore_ had been bandied about, with all the ramifications such a promotion might have. Jim knew that if they acted and promoted him, he was going to lose the Enterprise.

That was a concern. He could give up Bones, because he'd never had a claim on anything other than Bones' friendship in the first place, but the Enterprise? He would rather have cut off his own arm than handed over his Silver Lady to another captain.

And _Commodore_ usually equated _desk job_ and Jim didn't think he could give up space. He would end up driving Corvettes off cliffs again, he knew it. He could give up one or the other, but not both.

Things had been easier on the mission. Jim would take a hundred emergencies over the decisions that were to be made now he returned.

He reached out for the bourbon bottle Bones had left on the table, snagging it with his fingertips and unscrewing the cap. He swigged it, tasting Bones on his tongue, or at least how he'd always imagined the other to taste.

"Fuck."

The next morning came too quickly. Jim had finally drank enough bourbon to feel floaty by 4am but by 7am he'd been woken by birds and sunlight and morning traffic.

He grabbed his PADD and checked his newsfeed. Stories of the Enterprise's return flooded the news channels. He was surprised to find that they'd made the front page of a lot of news sites as well.

Almost all the sites were suing the same photo, himself standing awkwardly as Joanna's arms wrapped around his shoulders. Beside her, slightly out of focus, was Bones. He wore a half-smile, half-frown that Jim was pretty sure only a McCoy could pull off.

The broadsheets ran headlines about their discoveries, the historical precedent that had been set, the career of his main officers. The tabloids speculated who the girl in the photo was, whether Jim was going to settle down and get married soon and whether or not the Enterprise crew deserved the title 'Hottest Crew in all of Starfleet'.

Jim heard the lounge door open and glanced up. It was Joanna, stepping out of her room hesitantly. Jim had noticed that she seemed uneasy, nervous, and was treating the place like she didn't belong in it. He guessed she needed time to adapt and that there was a huge difference between seeing someone through a video and seeing them in person.

She was dressed already, a yellow sundress that hugged her slight waist and flared down to the knee. Sophisticated for a teenager, but she wore it well. Her eyes darted to him on the couch as he moved and drew attention to himself. He grinned reassuringly.

She gave him a somewhat hesitant smile back. Her hair was down, carefully styled up into a bun and Jim could tell in the morning light that it was a few shades lighter than Bones'. She was also wearing make-up and it seemed to transform her face from the little girl Jim was used to seeing to that of a young woman.

He had always been able to see the features she got from her father, hazel eyes and rather full lips, but the blusher had highlighted delicate cheekbones and a fragile nose that definitely didn't belong to Bones.

"Good morning," he said, sitting up and hoping she didn't question the fact that he'd slept in his clothes from the previous day. She clasped her hands in front of her.

"Good morning Ca-Jim," she said, smiling a little hestitantly and stepping further into the room. She looked around for a moment, looking a little lost before turning back to him.

"Is Dad up?" she asked. Jim knew Bones was likely to sleep in late if he got the chance to, especially as they'd drank a fair bit of bourbon together after Joanna had gone to bed the previous night. He looked over at her, seeing the innocent expression on her face and let his lips quirk into a smile. Mischief lit up his eyes.

"Not yet, but he could be."

Five minutes later Jim had barricaded himself in the bathroom, laughing so hard that tears ran down his cheeks as Bones hollered from outside in very precise detail how he was going to dismember him and use various chemicals to dissolve the body.

"It was just ice water Bones! No one died!" Jim protested as he struggled to breathe through the laughter.

"You're dead, Jim. Absolutely, one hundred percent, dead."


	3. Chapter 3a: Just Who is Jim Kirk?

Chapter 3a: Joanna: Just Who is Jim Kirk?

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Summary:

"See how you like it first thing in the morning you little punk," her dad growled. Joanna stared at them. Two grown men. Men who were well beyond the age that they should be waking each other up like teenage boys at slumber parties. Shoving ice down each other's tops and running around the apartment chasing each other...

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Notes: Joanna's point of view again. This is the first half of the chapter. I wanted to get something out before I left for the weekend tomorrow, so the first half is up. The second half will be up on Monday. Thank you everyone for your kind comments, kudoses/kudi? and bookmarks so far!

* * *

Joanna had woken early, her back sore from sleeping in an unfamiliar bed. She had quietly got her things together, pinning her hair back as she got ready to apply her makeup.

She didn't intend to sit inside her father's house for the next two weeks and was determined to drag him around San Francisco taking in the sights.

She wiped her hands on a make-up wipe, before smearing flesh coloured liquid across her face, evening out her complexion with her fingertips. She'd never had acne, just the usual teenage flare ups, but even so, the foundation just helped put a layer between herself and the world that she felt sometimes she needed.

She supposed her father wouldn't even notice the effort she was making to get dressed up. She didn't even question her desire to impress him. She wanted him to comment that she looked pretty, to scowl gruffly when others noticed, to be proud that he had a daughter like her.

Powder and blusher, a gentle pink eye shadow and a hint of eyeliner. Mascara gently feathering out her lashes and a tinted lip balm. It all came together to show a face she had grown used to as she'd grown up. She was transformed. She knew she looked less like her father when made up, the make-up hiding some things and drawing attention to features she'd inherited from her bother.

She used her PADD to check the weather forecast. It wasn't going to be too warm. She rummaged through her bag, finding a yellow sundress that she had packed especially for going sightseeing. She slid it through her hands, feeling the soft cotton, before grabbing a cardigan to go with it. It would spoil the line of the dress a little, but it wouldn't look too weird.

She slipped her pyjamas off and pulled on the clothes, sliding hands over the fabric where it bunched. She floofed out the skirt, trying to make sure that the underskirt sat well before she let her hair down again, working her fingers through the tangles as she thought of what to do with it.

If she'd thought ahead, she would have brought her hair straighteners along with her, smoothed out the frizzy mess that the humidity had made her hair. She grabbed her brush, attacking the tangles that had formed in the night and twisting it up into a knot at the back of her neck, securing it with a few bobby pins from the bottom of her bag.

Feeling somewhat ready to start the day, she carefully put all her things back into her bag and made the bed. The room didn't even look like she'd slept in it. She wondered, for a while, about leaving her suitcase on the bed, but in the end she put it neatly against the wall and with one last look at the photo of her father, enjoying life without her, she exited the room.

She wasn't surprised to find Jim on the couch, but she was rather surprised to find him in clothes from the day before. He was reading something on his PADD, but looked up when he heard her enter the room.

Smiles like that should be illegal, she decided. Not only was Jim Kirk hideously good-looking, in an older man kind of way, he was also very much aware of it. Joanna was pretty sure that anyone who was around Jim Kirk for longer than a few moments would have ended up being taken in my his smile. She wondered if it had been that way for her father.

"Good morning," he greeted her, struggling to sit up with his legs still trapped in the blankets. Joanna clasped her hands in front of herself. She could see a half-empty bottle of bourbon on the floor next to the couch and wondered if Jim had drunk that by himself the night before. He looked stubbly and his eyes were a little red.

"Good morning, Ca-Jim," she said and felt herself smiling. She moved a little further into the room, looking around. She had thought that her father would be up as well, but it seemed to just be Jim. Yesterday, she would have guessed if one of the two was an early riser, it would have been her father, but it seemed she'd been wrong. Yet another thing she didn't know.

"Is Dad up?" she asked, though she already knew the answer. Jim's expression seemed to change instantly as his brows rose on his face, a smirk dancing across his features. His blue eyes lit up with a kind of twisted delight and Joanna wondered what he was suddenly scheming.

"Not yet, but he could be," Jim said and he untangled himself from the blankets and ducked into the kitchen. Joanna waited patiently, wondering what Jim had planned. He returned with a glass of water with some ice cubes and gestured for her to follow him down the brief landing to her father's room.

Jim didn't knock on the door, instead he opened it quietly, pushing it open and putting a finger to his lips. His bare feet moved over the carpet as she stood in the doorway. She could tell what he was planning, but she wasn't sure if it'd work.

Her father's room was neat. The window was open, she could hear some of the noise from outside, but the blackout curtains prevented any light from sneaking inside. It was as bare as the lounge had been though, except for a photo by his bedside of her on her 4th birthday. She knew it had to be then because a balloon behind her head said so.

Jim crept forward, inch by inch until he was directly over her father's face. He glanced back at her and gave her a thumbs up. She felt her face working into a disbelieving smile and she raised her hands up to gesture 'you probably shouldn't'.

It seemed that Jim saw that as a dare because his wrist flipped over and water and ice splashed down onto her father's face. What happened next happened so fast she barely saw it.

Her father sat up.

Jim was already running towards the door.

Her father threw his covers off, growling out a low 'motherfucker'.

Jim pushed his way past her, starting to laugh manically.

Her father was slightly more courteous, though he barely acknowledged her as he chased after his enemy.

There was the sound of a door slamming and a lock sliding into place.

"It was just ice water Bones! No one died!"

"You're dead, Jim. Absolutely, one hundred percent, dead."

Joanna followed them both out, looking at her father stood outside the bathroom door somewhat mutely. The prank had been childish in the extreme, and her father looked absolutely murderous. He pounded on the door.

"Open up the fucking door, Jim, or I swear to God I will break it down and _then_ kick your ass onto the street!" he barked.

"Tetchy first thing in the morning Bones?" Jim called back. "And I'm not coming out until you've calmed down a little and I'm sure you're not going to hypo me and do terrible things to my body!"

"Oh. Oh so it's alright for you to do terrible things to me? In my sleep! But no, to get revenge is completely out of the question!"

Joanna cleared her throat, wondering if her father had forgotten she was there. He turned to her and she could see the water had soaked through his t-shirt at the shoulders. Other than that he was just wearing boxer shorts and he suddenly looked like he had an idea.

"You know what, fine. Stay in there. But Joanna needs the bathroom, so you better sneak out while I make myself coffee," he said and walked away. Joanna wondered how she'd become involved in this, first with Jim's stupid idea, now with her father's attempt to lure Jim out.

After a few moments, Jim popped his head out of the bathroom door. Joanna saw him check the coast was clear before he stepped out. It happened in almost an instant. She saw her father round the corner again and he grabbed Jim's shirt collar.

There was a moment when she saw Jim's hands twitch up, as though to disable the other, but then his movements slowed and he was wincing, his shoulders hunched, as her father shoved a fistful of ice down his back.

"See how you like it first thing in the morning you little punk," her dad growled. Joanna stared at them. Two grown men. Men who were well beyond the age that they should be waking each other up like teenage boys at slumber parties. Shoving ice down each other's tops and running around the apartment chasing each other.

She couldn't help it. The laughter started quiet and contained, but it soon bubbled out of her. She clutched her stomach as she gasped for breath. The looks on their faces, the ones of grim determination, softened and they both began to smile as well. She saw the way Jim clapped her father on the back, his hand lingering just a little over the damp shoulder, before her father stepped away.

"I'm going to get this wet t-shirt off and get ready to go out. Jim you should shave, you look like shit," her father said, gesturing to Jim's face. Joanna saw Jim rub a hand along his jaw, looking rather nonchalant about it.

"I think the beard look is-"

"You're coming to breakfast with me and Joanna, so you're gonna shave and not look like some hobo we brought in off the street. Also, you're going to wear my clothes because I'm not taking you into _any_ establishment in this neighbourhood with you looking like you're doing the walk of shame," her father grouched. He began to walk back to his bedroom, though he paused where she was.

"Mornin' sweetheart," he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "See you in a second."

She hadn't heard that phrase in years. Sometimes her grandmother would phone her and use that word, but it had been seven years since she'd died. To hear it in her father's hoarse, sleepy voice again. She took a deep breath.

"I'm going to make some coffee while I wait," she said. Her father nodded and turned away from her. Even so, she felt that the moment had brought them closer again. She watched her father walk to his room and turned to see Jim watching her, a fond smile on his face.

"Well, I better get ready so your dad isn't ashamed to be seen with me," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "You really need to use the bathroom kiddo, or can I squeeze on in there?"

She shook her head and Jim grinned, sliding past her inside and shutting the door. There was the sound of the shower starting.

She went to the kitchen and scrounged around until she found coffee and UHT milk that she supposed would have to do for now. She sipped it gingerly, not wanting to burn her mouth, her hip resting against the counter top.

When her father returned five minutes later he was dressed in clean clothes, his face slightly damp from shaving. She wondered if he had an ensuite. She hadn't seen one. Did that mean he'd just walked into the bathroom where Jim was?

"So are you and Jim close?" she asked, trying to dig for some information. Her father looked at her weirdly as he helped himself to the coffee pot she'd made up.

"We served together for five years and were friends for years before that. What do you think?" he asked, sipping it black as he mirrored her posture against the cupboards. Joanna looked at him carefully and guessed he was either telling the truth or just didn't want to tell her if there was something going on between him and Jim.

"I stand corrected," she replied, taking another sip of her coffee. Her father sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"Sorry. I just didn't get much sleep last night. Still running on ship time. Got space lag pretty bad," he apologised, reaching out to lightly touch her arm. She nodded, accepting that as a reason for his grumpiness.

She heard the door opening further down the hall and the sound of bare feet padding over laminate flooring. Jim peeked around the door to the kitchen, his shoulders bare and dripping water onto the floor.

"Jim, tell me you're not naked in front of my daughter so I don't have to castrate you," her father said, not even turning to the door as he said it. Jim grinned and Joanna had a horrible thought for a moment that he might be. He stepped round the doorframe though and she was relieved that he was wearing jeans. He had a towel scrunched up in his hand.

"Just wondering if I could borrow a shirt Bones," he said. Joanna frowned. Jim had been calling her father that yesterday and she was curious about the nickname.

"Joanna, avert your eyes from Captain Perfect for a moment while I go and get him a shirt that won't swallow him whole," her father put his coffee on the side and left the kitchen. Joanna stared down into her coffee, trying not to look up and stare.

She saw Jim's hand snake forward as he stole her father's coffee, drinking it like it wasn't scaldingly hot. She took a half step backwards, feeling her face heat.

"Here this should do," her father said when he returned a half-minute later. She heard a rustle of fabric and when she felt it was safe she looked up. Jim was buttoning up a dress shirt that didn't seem to fit him too well, having been fitted for a broader shouldered man, but it didn't look too bad on him. The light blue brought out his eyes and she wondered if her dad had picked it out purposefully or just grabbed the first one in the wardrobe.

"Why do you call my dad Bones?" she asked. Jim's hands paused on the button and he looked at her father for a moment, smirking, before looking away. For a moment Joanna panicked that it was something dirty.

"_The ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones_," Jim said in a terrible impression of a Georgia accent. Her father's eyebrow rose as he picked up his mug of coffee and did a double take, scowling at its depleted contents.

"First time I met your dad, he was trying to hide in a shuttle toilet. He introduced himself in a tirade against space travel and sat down next to me. Eventually he introduced himself, but not after dropping that bombshell. It just kind of stuck," Jim said with a shrug, though he was looking at her father with a fondness.

"I didn't respond to that nickname for an entire year and you _still_ insisted on using it," her father pointed out. Jim just grinned.

"I don't believe in no-win scenarios. I got my way in the end," he said. Her father looked exasperated and turned his back on Jim, putting his half-empty mug in the sink.

"We should go get breakfast anyway," he said, running the tap and rinsing out his mug. Joanna handed hers over, watching her own milky coffee pour down the sink, swirling in the water.

She looked at her father's face closely now his back was turned. Though he'd been frowning when Jim told the story, now that Jim couldn't see his face anymore, he had a slight smile to his lips, like he was remembering something nostalgic.

She glanced at Jim, wondering if he had noticed as well. Jim was looking at the ceiling though, his expression distant and sorrowful.

Breakfast was at a diner down the street. Pancakes and sweetened tea. Joanna tucked in as her father and Jim bickered about who was going to pay for it. She only managed to silence them when she reached for her tea and Jim's overly enthusiastic gesture knocked her hand into the salt shaker.

"Sorry!" he said, sheepishly moving his hands back to his lap. In front of him his breakfast was almost untouched.

"No it's okay," she said, and then while there was a moment's silence, she figured she better speak. "Can we go sightseeing today? I've never been to San Francisco before and I want to see everything and take pictures and be a complete tourist."

Her father nodded, shrugging a little. "Sure. I don't see why not. We can drive out to the bridge and work out way in," he said. She smiled and took another mouthful of pancake.

"Yeah, you should probably check out the old-"

Jim was cut off by his communicator buzzing in his pocket. A few seconds later her father's chimed as well. She frowned as they both fished them out of the bottom of their pockets. Jim sighed when he read the message and her father scowled.

"Jim, we've been back less than twenty four hours. Can you not send them a formally worded 'fuck you hell no' or something?" he asked. Joanna looked between the two of them. Jim looked like he wanted to do nothing more than follow her father's request.

"I can try and make excuses for you McCoy, if you don't want to go. But it's pretty explicit in demanding all the bridge crew," he said, his voice low. Joanna set her cutlery down on her plate.

"We aren't going sight-seeing are we?" she asked. Her father's mouth turned downward even more and Jim ran a hand through his hair.

"How would you like to see Starfleet Academy?"


	4. Chapter 3b: Just Who is Jim Kirk?

Chapter 3b: Joanna: Just Who is Jim Kirk?

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Summary: Joanna looked up into blue eyes that clearly cared so much and didn't know what to say. The question burned on her lips: just what is my dad to you? But the moment passed when Jim handed her the application form back and jogged forward a few places to clap her father on the back. He began to talk excitedly about how great the weather was and Joanna watched as his hand slipped down her father's spine before dropping to his side.

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Notes: Thank you everyone for your encouragement! It really means a lot to me! This is the second half of chapter 3.

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Joanna had seen Starfleet Academy on TV before. In recruiting adverts and documentaries it had always looked so small and welcoming, but now she was here, she could see it was large and thriving, filled with red uniformed bodies all excitedly pushing around campus.

There were also a lot more aliens than Joanna was sued to. She'd come across a few, but they had mostly been human looking. Here there were Tellarites, Vulcans and Orions. She felt extremely out of place, her small town roots showing. She was almost certain that they were able to look at her and just _know_ that she wasn't from San Francisco.

"Right, well, this is the Academy," her father said, gesturing around with a rather grim look on his face. He looked down at his watch briefly. "We're going to be in a meeting for about an hour. Why don't you wait on the green in front of the library for us? After that we can grab lunch and perhaps give you a tour of the place?"

Joanna nodded. She probably wouldn't stay put, but she would be able to make her way back to the library she was sure. It stuck out of the centre of the campus and was signposted from nearly everywhere. She looked away from her father for a moment, distracted by a flock of female cadets walking past.

Jim was stood to one side, out of ear-shot. His hands were in his pockets and he was looking at each cadet like he was giving them silent appraisal. He was ignoring the looks that he got in return and Joanna noticed that quite a few were staring outright at the Captain. As she watched, a woman of about thirty in science blues approached him. Jim greeted her with a slightly self-effacing smile. The conversed for a few moments before she leaned forward, kissed him on the cheek and departed.

"Ready Jim?" her father asked, raising his voice so it would carry. Jim nodded. The woman who had been talking to him looked back over her shoulder at the sound of her father's voice and Joanna saw her scowl but she continued on her way. Curious.

"Was that Carol Marcus?" her father asked as Jim came closer. Jim seemed to consider answering the question for longer than was appropriate.

"Yeah she just wanted to welcome us back," Jim said finally, glancing at her retreating form for a final moment before she disappeared out of sight. Her father's scowl deepened.

"She could've said 'hi' to me too," he grumped, folding his arms. Jim smiled, looking like he was used to her father's irrationality but sadness lingered in his eyes as he tore his eyes away from where she'd been.

"Bones, you weren't involved with her like I was. I think that was more about reminding me she existed rather than sincerely congratulating me on my return," he said. Joanna guessed there was a story there, one that she wasn't sure she wanted to know. She was almost convinced that there was something going on between her father and Jim, but nothing seemed to be making much sense.

"Yeah, well, I reckon that was a lucky escape for you-" her father began, starting to walk away. Jim didn't follow though, his eyes looking heavenward for a moment before he spoke.

"Don't say bad things about Carol, Bones. It didn't work out, but she wasn't a bad person," Jim said. Her father turned and Joanna saw his expression change from playful to apologetic, the corners of his mouth turning down. She saw his hand twitch before he put it in his pocket.

"Sorry, Jim, I didn't realise you still had feelings for her," he said, shrugging a little. Joanna looked between the two of them and could almost feel the tension. Did they even remember that she was still here?

"I don't but that doesn't mean I think she was to blame for what happened. That was my fault," Jim replied and he broke the stand-off by looking away from her father's face and at her for a moment. Joanna didn't know what he saw when he looked at her, but he seemed to relax a little.

"One of these days, you'll actually tell me about what actually happened there," her father said, walking back to clap Jim on the shoulder. She let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding.

"Yeah over a few beers on the other side of _never_," Jim replied. Her father laughed slightly and gestured with his head towards one of the buildings.

"We better go. Be good Joanna," he said, steering Jim by the shoulder around and away. Joanna wondered what to make of everything she was seeing. Perhaps those who had known them on the mission would be able to make sense of it all?

She spent the next forty-five minutes becoming familiar with the central campus, going out of her way to find the Xenobiology building and look at a few exhibits of the cadet's research in the foyer. With fifteen minutes to spare, she went back to the main building, her mind made up from what she'd briefly seen.

She didn't have to wait long before Jim arrived. He looked vaguely harassed running a hand through his hair as he strode towards her. He gave her a broad grin when he saw her, however, trying to banish the exasperation that had seemed to hang over him like a cloud.

"Your dad'll be along in a minute. He's just talking to Uhura about something," Jim said with a small shrug. Joanna nodded, shuffling her feet a little awkwardly.

"Did you enjoy looking about? Brings back memories being here… You know, I think I threw up in that bush once…" Jim prattled, pointing at a rather sickly looking bush near the edge of the library. Joanna guessed he was trying to fill the silence. She deliberated letting him continue, before deciding that it was the perfect time to ask for his advice. He'd helped her out last night and there was no one else to tell who would be in as good a position as Jim was to put her straight.

"I want to ask you something, but you've got to promise not to tell dad," she said. Jim's eyebrows rose and he seemed to deliberate for a long moment.

"I'll keep the secret as long as I don't think you're going to be hurt," he replied. She nodded and guessed that was as good a promise as she could respect from an almost complete stranger. She reached into her handbag, taking out the white envelope within. It was slightly battered from being carried around for a few weeks while she tried to make her decision. On the front, embossed in silver was the Starfleet logo.

Jim looked at it in silence for a long moment and Joanna wondered if she'd made a mistake. He held out his hand eventually, however, and she mutely handed it over.

He began to flick through it, his gaze lingering at the name on the front of the form, 'Joanna Treadway', and her qualifications. His expression was unreadable and his eyes seemed to be scanning her Starfleet application in an almost business-like manner.

"Have you taken the entrance exam?" he asked. Joanna bit her lip before nodding.

"I took it in secret during the Spring. Mom wants me to stay on Earth so I told her I was staying at a friend's for the weekend and hopped over to Atlanta to take the test," she explained. Jim's mouth quirked up into a reluctant smile.

"Well, it seems like a strong application," he said, sliding it back into the envelope. "Something tells me you didn't just come here to welcome back your dad."

Joanna felt a wash of guilt come over her when she realised what Jim was implying, slimy and hot, roiling in her gut. He was right, of course he was. She _hadn't_ just come to welcome her father back. There had been some selfishness in her there. She'd thought her dad would sign the papers allowing her to join before she was 18. Yet after last night, she'd realised she wasn't sure he'd agree to it after all.

But her motivations hadn't been entirely selfish. She had wanted to see her father too. Wanted to get to know him and hopefully grow to see him as more than just the man on the Starfleet posters or who spoke to her through communications once a week.

"I just wanted to see what it was like," she said, hearing the slightly high-pitched tone to her voice. "So much was decided for me. Mom decided I was going to live with her when she and dad got divorced, Mom decided that I was going to change my name from McCoy to Treadway, I just wanted to do something for myself." Jim nodded in understanding, though his frown increased.

"I noticed your surname wasn't McCoy. Does Bones know?" he asked. Joanna shook her head.

"Mom changed it without really asking me when she remarried and I never had the heart to tell dad. I'm probably going to change it back eventually, but that'll probably annoy mom," she explained.

"Well, you have a good chance at being accepted. My guess is that we'll take you when you're eighteen and won't need that parental consent form anymore," he said, tapping the application against his palm.

Joanna beamed and was about to respond when she saw her father walk around the corner. She panicked, looking at the application form in Jim's hand but the other didn't even skip a beat. He folded his arms, holding the application against him so that the insignia was hidden, and smiled innocently in greeting.

"Bones, all sorted?" he asked. Her father raised an eyebrow as he came to a stop before them and then glanced at her.

"I bet you explored the whole place while we were gone. Have fun?" he asked. Joanna nodded, trying to force a smile on her face and push the panic away.

"Yeah. The Academy is so big! It's a little overwhelming," she replied. Her father nodded in understanding.

"Sorry to put a hold on your sightseeing even more kiddo, but we've been invited over to Spock and Uhura's tomorrow. Uhura just had this look in her eye and it seemed Spock was resigned to it. She wants to take you shopping," he said with a look on his face like he couldn't imagine anything worse.

"Oooooh, fun," Jim replied, sarcastically. "You going to keep Spock company for the day, Bones? Bet you're going to have a field day."

"A whole day with that green-blooded hobgoblin? I volunteered your services too as a buffer," her father growled. Joanna stared at her father in shock.

"Dad! You can't call a Vulcan that!" she protested. Jim looked vaguely amused.

"It's just a xenophobic slur that's become a term of endearment between him and Spock," he explained but Joanna still felt uncomfortable.

"That pointy-eared bastard didn't even _try_ to put up a decent defence," her father continued. Jim's grin became even broader as Joanna's gaze became more horrified.

"They're like brothers, really. You should hear them on the bridge. Bitching each other out constantly and yet the moment one of them is in danger it's all _Captain it is imperative that we prioritize the rescue of Doctor McCoy_ or _Damnit Jim you can't just let him die down there!_ Real cute," Jim said, his voice changing between the measured Vulcan tones to her father's slightly excitable Georgia drawl. Joanna nodded, though she couldn't picture it at all.

"The only person who even thinks that we can tolerate each other is you," her father grumbled. Jim laughed.

"Not true. The last betting pool had you and Spock getting together at only 25-1. Bearing in mind that you and Chapel getting together was at 100-1, that's not a bad set of odds," Jim teased. Joanna spluttered a little at the thought as her father blustered.

"Y'all were betting on who I goddamn fancied like we were back in high school?" he asked. Jim chuckled. "So who had the hottest odds then?"

Jim seemed to sober almost immediately at that and Joanna wondered why. Her father had a knowing look on his face though, as though he knew even though he had asked the question and pretended he didn't.

"Oh I don't know. Didn't really find it that interesting," Jim replied. Her father gave Jim a look that almost screamed _bullshit_.

"You're a terrible liar, Jim," he said, but he let the subject drop. "So lunch then? Not the best selection here but we can eat and then go grocery shopping for dinner."

Joanna nodded and began to follow her father as he led the way to the cafeteria. Jim fell into step beside her, pulling her back a little from her father's range of hearing.

"The best odds were 3-1 that your father would never find someone to spend the rest of his life with… or that he'd end up with a member of Operations but that was just the book-keeper messing with everyone," Jim murmured quietly. "Make sure that if you're heading into space that you don't leave him completely alone down here. Find him someone to be with."

Joanna looked up into blue eyes that clearly cared so much and didn't know what to say. The question burned on her lips: just what is my dad to you? But the moment passed when Jim handed her the application form back and jogged forward a few places to clap her father on the back. He began to talk excitedly about how great the weather was and Joanna watched as his hand slipped down her father's spine before dropping to his side.

Lunch was mediocre and she picked at her sandwich while various cadets introduced themselves to her father and Jim. A few instructors also interrupted them, either to clearly try to butter them up or because they had served with the Captain on the Enterprise.

She began to wish that she'd held off a few days. It had been important to meet her father again but it was almost clear that his life operated almost exclusively in the space around Jim. While they were together, it was difficult to talk to either of them; they were so wrapped up in talking to each other.

"I swear, one more brown-nosing-" her father began before Jim cleared his throat and got to his feet to welcome someone who was clearly of a higher rank. Joanna shared her father's exasperated look.

"I suppose the Enterprise is ready to be completely refurbed after her five year voyage. You going to be planetside for a few months Kirk?"

And on and on until Joanna stopped listening even half-heartedly and reached for her PADD. She had a few messages from friends, most just commenting on her newfound fame on the front pages. She felt a pang of homesickness as she imagined all her friends together, enjoying their summer vacation while she was stuck listening to boring conversations about warp nacelle replacements.

When she had finished replying to all her messages, including sending her friend a picture of herself in Starfleet Academy's cafeteria, she pushed her food away. Her father was watching her, she realised, and she put her PADD away quickly, not wanting him to see the messages that she'd sent describing her boredom in hyperbole.

"Commodore, I really must go. We've got a lot to get through today," Jim said and her father glanced up before getting to his feet. Joanna followed suit, walking around the table to her father's side. The Commodore looked at the both of them and nodded, his eyes darting between herself and her father twice, before he shook Jim's hand and departed.

"Let's get out of here," he said, his voice low so that others wouldn't hear. Joanna whole-heartedly agreed.

* * *

Shopping was an ordeal that Joanna had not expected. Jim acted like a child, trying to sneak all sorts into the shopping cart and making the whole journey around the supermarket three times as long as her father had to keep going back to previously visited aisles to put back cupcakes or potato chips or at one point a whole haddock.

"You don't live at my place, get your own damn groceries," her father had snapped finally as Jim was trying to surreptitiously put a packet of red vines into the cart. He was hesitant for a moment, and she saw her father's gaze soften slightly. "Fine just one pack."

Shopping for food had also demonstrated to Joanna that her father remembered quite a lot about her. He picked out her favourite foods almost effortlessly, though he sometimes paused to check with her that certain things were alright. She wondered if her mother had commed him a list or if he had just made a catalogue in his brain whenever she'd mentioned something she liked.

When it came time to pay, her father loaded them all up with different bags, giving the heaviest to Jim, and they walked up the hill to his apartment block. The sun shone brightly but a gentle breeze prevented it from getting too warm. Joanna looked up at the blue sky and wondered if someday soon she'd be looking down at this place from space.

"This is where I leave you," Jim said at the door to the apartments. Joanna turned to him, surprised. She had got used to his presence, that he was somehow always there. It seemed her father was a little caught off guard as well, though he tried to hide it by taking Jim's bags off him.

"I'm sure I've encroached on your time enough and besides, I got things to do. I'll be over tomorrow to join you for that incredible shopping trip though, so have fun," he said, grinning and waving to them.

Her father didn't reply as Jim walked away, turning around and fishing in his pockets for his keys. She watched him walk to his bike though, sitting on it and sagging a little before he put the key into the ignition. She realised he hadn't even gone upstairs to collect his helmet or leathers and was still wearing her father's shirt.

At that moment the door opened, however, and she stepped out of the sunlight and into the foyer.

* * *

[Communication Active…]

[Patching through to… JOCELYN TREADWAY]

[Please use voice recognition to connect the call.]

"Joanna."

[Connecting call…]

[Connected!]

"Hey mom."

"Hello Jo. I was expecting a phone call from you last night but it looks like you were a little busy."

"Yeah. Sorry. Captain Kirk came over for dinner and I lost track of time."

"Captain Kirk, huh? Seems like everyone's talking about him these days. Did you have a good time with your father?"

"Yeah. Dad had to go into work today, so I looked around the Academy for a bit."

"He took you to work? Some things never change."

"Mom!"

"Well, you hardly went all the way to San Francisco to spend time hanging around outside Academy buildings while your father works himself into an early grave."

"It was fun, mom, honest. I saw a lot and the exhibits in some of the buildings were interesting."

"Yes because all teenagers when faced with all that San Francisco has to offer would choose to hang around space exhibits."

"Look, it wasn't a bad day and I don't want to talk about stuff like that anyway. I'm going to hang up if you keep talking about dad like that."

"Alright, alright. Just don't let him do that to you. You're there to spend time with him, not to get to know the ins and outs of Starfleet."

"Yes mom… I wanted to ask you anyway. Did dad ever mention being with someone? You know, after you two divorced?"

"No. Your father and I don't really talk about things like that. There were a few women I was aware of while he was at the Academy I think. Why? Did your dad surprise you with a new stepmom?"

"No, no. I just… I think there's someone in love with dad and dad can't see it. It's weird to watch them around each other but I can't say anything because it's like I'm a complete stranger to everyone involved."

"I'm not going to help you interfere in your father's love life. That would be beyond creepy and a little invasive. What I'll say is this: your father is a grown adult and it's not your responsibility to set him up with anyone. He's got his own two feet and he can let those take him where he wants."

"I guess. It's just weird."

"Have you spent much time around Captain Kirk then?"

"As much time as I've spent with dad, it feels like. He's a good guy mom, I can see why Starfleet use him as their poster boy."

"Don't fall for that Kirk charm I keep reading about in the women's magazines. I'm not prepared to marry you off to a thirty-odd year old man."

"I'll keep that in mind if Captain Kirk decides to make the moves, mom."

"Jocelyn? Jocelyn! Dinner's ready!"

"Ah, looks like we're going to have to cut this one short. Comm me tomorrow okay? I want to hear about your hopefully better day."

"Yeah alright."

"Take care. I love you."

"Love you too mom. Night."

"Goodnight, sweetpea."

[Communication terminated.]

[Attempt to reconnect…?]

[System shutting down.]


	5. Chapter 4: What Will A Choice Cost?

Chapter 5: Bones: What Will a Choice Cost?

* * *

Summary: He felt Jim draw him down, hands sliding over skin and leaving a slow whiskey burn behind them. His blood heated, thrummed through him. He could feel sweat slicking his skin, making his clothes stick like it was the middle of a hot Georgia summer. Jim's kisses turned fierce, his hands reaching down to stroke lower and lower.

* * *

Notes: Bit of a tease really in the chapter summary, but oh well. Bones POV this time. Sorry for the wait everyone. Back to Joanna again for the next chapter and hopefully some more development of Bones-Joanna's relationship. Thank you everyone who left kind comments on the story. I am truly grateful to all you amazing people!

* * *

The body beneath his hands was hot, sweating even in the cool temperature of Sickbay. The fever had set in so fast that they hadn't even been able to get him to Sickbay before the delirium had set in. Eyes the colour of Earth's blue sky were hazy, pupils blown, wide and unseeing. Jim kept flailing as well, his arms reaching out for things that weren't there.

His heart rate was through the roof and the tricorder told Leonard that there was an almost indecent amount of adrenaline in the Captain's system. It was made worse by the fact that Jim wouldn't let anyone near him, reacting violently to anyone except those he trusted most.

It was down to himself and Spock, holding the Captain down against the involuntary movements that wracked him. Leonard was desperately trying to treat the symptoms as he searched for a cure. He hadn't even had a moment to consult any of his medical books as to what the hell he might be dealing with.

"Doctor, he's going into cardiac arrest!"

Leonard snarled and grabbed scissors, cutting away Jim's command shirt and relying on Spock to hold the other down as he started to seize. He couldn't let Jim die. Sweat slid down his back as he grabbed a defibrillator and turned back to Jim's body, confused to find himself no longer in Sickbay, Spock no longer there.

He recognised Jim's quarters. Jim was laid on the bed, his eyes closed. His shirt was off, bandages wrapped around his chest. The blankets had ridden down, exposing the other's chest and Leonard reacted automatically, reaching forward to pull the sheets back up over the other's shoulders.

He felt a hand wrap around his wrist and stared down into Jim's face. The other was looking at him. He didn't speak, which was weird, and instead just sat up slightly, his other hand skimming over Leonard's cheek.

Leonard's heart pounded in his chest. He and Jim had never discussed this. This wasn't something that was part of their friendship. Not openly. He tried to draw back but he found he couldn't move. He was paralyzed as lips began to ghost over his forehead, cheek, jaw, before finally resting on his lips in a slow, languid kiss.

He felt Jim draw him down, hands sliding over skin and leaving a slow whiskey burn behind them. His blood heated, thrummed through him. He could feel sweat slicking his skin, making his clothes stick like it was the middle of a hot Georgia summer. Jim's kisses turned fierce, his hands reaching down to stroke lower and lower.

Leonard gasped and squirmed under the touches. He couldn't get enough air into his lungs. He couldn't breathe. He tried to push Jim back, tried to re-establish space between them, but the crushing weight, heat, pressure of the other's body was too much.

He woke suddenly, sweat shining on his forehead as he took in the dark ceiling of his bedroom. He wasn't in space. That had been a dream. The edges were already becoming fuzzy. Something to do with Jim, something that had made his cock ache between his legs in a way that he didn't want to question.

He reached down to fist his cock, trying not to think too much about why he was so aroused. It didn't take long before he was finished, grimacing as he reached out to snag tissues from the nightstand and clean himself up.

He swung his legs round, glancing blearily at the clock by his bedstand. It was 3AM. That meant by Enterprise time it was the start of his shift normally. He rubbed at his face and grabbed the dirty tissues, padding to the bathroom and flushing them before staring at himself blearily in the mirror.

It had been a long time since he'd had one of those dreams and he'd thought that they'd gone away along with his… crush on the Captain. He refused to acknowledge it was anything else. Their friendship was too important to Leonard for him to ever act on the few twinges he'd had over the years towards the other. He valued Jim as a friend first and foremost and wasn't going to complicate it by pursuing anything else.

Besides, there was no way that Jim was interested in him in that way. The Carol Marcus episode had really drilled that home to Leonard. The way that Jim had been fine one day, then the next Leonard had been some kind of pariah, only to be spoken to if he had to. The minute that Marcus had teleported off the ship, when the relationship went truly sour, Jim had gone tentatively back to how they had before but Leonard had never known a third party to affect their friendship so strongly before and it had been a wake-up call to him.

He spent the next few hours drifting around his apartment. It was too quiet, silent. The Enterprise had never been this silent. There had been the thrum of the engines, the sound of people moving purposefully around on decks, the rather common sound of the klaxon. Now he just had the occasional car going past his house in the dark.

But he did have Joanna here. He could barely believe how much of a woman she had looked. He had missed so much of her life, so much of her growing up, that it was almost like looking at a stranger. They had the bond in name, but he could feel it was strained and tenuous. He'd been grateful for Jim's presence even as a buffer, while he tried to get his head around it all.

He hadn't meant to drive the other away earlier either. When they'd got upstairs, Joanna had carefully hung up Jim's leather jacket on a peg in the hall and helped him put away the groceries. When she pulled out the packet of Red Vines, Leonard hadn't known where to put them so he left them somewhat awkwardly on the side.

They'd cooked dinner together. Joanna had asked for more space stories and Leonard had supplied a few of the more exciting and less dangerous ones. Most of them involved Jim, Spock or himself getting into varying degrees of trouble on planets and having Scotty beam the out last minute. He was almost surprised when he realised they'd been talking for a few hours, the plates now washed and air drying by the sink.

He'd let Joanna choose something to watch on television, a terrible reality TV show that had the girl hooked almost instantly. He passed comment occasionally on the ridiculous antics of those involved which made her laugh. When it got late he pointedly switched over to a news channel and Joanna excused herself to call Jocelyn before bed.

Barely five minutes later, she returned to say goodnight, looking a little troubled but Leonard didn't want to push her into talking about it. She had kissed him on the cheek, just as she had as a child, and then retreated to bed.

Leonard thought over the plans for the next few days. Tomorrow was shopping with Uhura and he was kind of dreading it. He'd done it before and despised the experience, especially when he'd been asked to give an opinion on whether or not Spock would like an outfit. He'd heard Jim's laughter follow him out of the store as he'd gone to get some 'air'.

He sat down heavily on the couch, trying not to dwell too much on time on the Enterprise. His own request to have an Earth-based assignment had been approved and he was going to be teaching modules at the Academy as soon as his required leave was filled. He hadn't told Jim, hadn't known what to say.

Their conversation from when the Enterprise had docked echoed in his head. The way that Jim had looked at him, eyes bright and optimistic, full of the passion of adventure. He had spoken of their next adventure as though it was inevitable, as though this was just shore leave and then they'd be back into the black together.

Leonard had missed enough of Joanna growing up though. He wasn't going to miss her high school graduation, her first day of college, her wedding, her first child. Not chasing after unexplored planets and an early grave. Jim was the right person for that and Leonard couldn't imagine someone better suited to the role in life he'd been given. But Leonard? He was a doctor, not an explorer, and he'd long since ceased to see the beauty in the hundreds of ways that one could die in space.

Jim would have Spock and possibly some others and that would have to be enough for him. He had no doubt that they'd remain friends in any case, just Leonard wasn't sure he could continue to battle his phobia of space for another five years just to keep up with Jim.

He'd have to tell Jim soon. He was sure that the postings would be sent to the Captain soon and he didn't want Jim to find out that way. He deserved to be told in person at least, to have the reasons explained to him, even if Leonard didn't want to admit that it was his own cowardice that was causing it.

A fear of space.

A fear of another five years with the weird on and off attraction he had to Jim.

A fear of Jim finding someone to love and abandoning Leonard when he had nowhere to escape to.

The crux of the matter, Leonard supposed, was the last one. He didn't want to be left behind again. Jocelyn had done it. Joanna had done it. Jim… He couldn't give Jim that chance. It was better if he left first, made all the moves to protect himself.

He'd have Joanna and he'd have his work. There was plenty on Earth to keep him busy. He couldn't kid himself that he wouldn't miss some things, wouldn't miss the cheerful 'Bones' being called down corridors, or the sight of nebulas from the observation deck, or the cheerful banter between the bridge crew during moments without an emergency.

He rubbed at his face, feeling suddenly drained.

Tomorrow, he'd tell Jim what he planned. He'd buy Joanna a pretty dress and watch her eyes light up. He'd come home and cook dinner and pretend that this was just life, how it always was and always would be.

He hoped, selfishly, guiltily, that Jim would just accept his decision. That he wouldn't see the light go out in those bright, blue eyes. That he wouldn't have to find a place for those Red Vines and that leather jacket to live because Jim wouldn't be coming round anymore to collect them.


	6. Chapter 5: For All The World

Chapter 6: Joanna POV: For All the World Like He'd Lost

* * *

Summary: Jim's eyes were dancing, bright and vibrant, as he sat next to her at the dinner table, offering her a coffee and a selection of the pastries before helping himself. She was struck by how paternal the gesture was, that he had tried to sort out her own food for her before his own. She didn't say anything though, biting into one of the Danish pastries while she watched Jim.

* * *

Notes: Thank you everyone yet again for their kind words on the last chapter. Next chapter we go back into Jim's head for a bit, but for now enjoy Joanna building her relationship with her father a little more.

* * *

"I have coffee and donuts and these little pastry things that I don't even know the name of," Jim announced when he walked into the apartment the next morning. Joanna looked up from what had been about to be a rather depressing bowl of muesli and smiled. Her father grumbled something incoherent and took one of the tall coffees from the cup holder Jim was carrying as he made his way back sleepily to the kitchen.

Jim's eyes were dancing, bright and vibrant, as he sat next to her at the dinner table, offering her a coffee and a selection of the pastries before helping himself. She was struck by how paternal the gesture was, that he had tried to sort out her own food for her before his own. She didn't say anything though, biting into one of the Danish pastries while she watched Jim.

He seemed less tired than he had yesterday, an easy smile on his lips as he scanned the lounge. She saw his eyes fix on the kitchen door for a moment before they skittered away, as though afraid to be caught looking. She looked down at her breakfast, picking apart the flaky pastry with her fingertips.

"You excited about shopping with Uhura?" Jim asked, reaching for his coffee cup and sipping it. Joanna smiled a little hesitantly.

"I don't really know her but it should be fun, right? I mean, I bet the selection is better here than in my hometown…" she said with a shrug. Jim made a gesture with his head that she interpreted to mean 'probably' and couldn't help but smile a little.

"Uhura's a babe. You're going to have a great time, trust me. She likes your dad too, so you'll have no problem sweet-talking her into taking you into all the expensive boutiques," Jim said, his lips quirking into a smile. Joanna nodded, sipping her own coffee as he spoke.

"You say that like she doesn't like you," she pointed out. Jim laughed and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I wouldn't say she doesn't like me. I'd say we met in circumstances that didn't lead to a comfortable first impression and we created a façade of mutual exasperation with each other that is so strong that most can't see that we actually kind of like each other now… Most of the time," Jim added, starting to twist the coffee carton in his hand as he spoke. Joanna wasn't sure what to make of it. She couldn't imagine someone not liking Jim, especially with how easy going he was.

"I'm sure she likes you plenty. Is it true she's getting married to Commander Spock? It was all over the newsfeeds yesterday evening," Joanna asked. Jim's eyebrows raised a little.

"Spock might have mentioned it, but I can neither confirm nor deny the rumours. They are very private about their relationship and I doubt they'll let anyone know about it until it's done with," Jim said, shrugging. At that moment her father shuffled back out of the kitchen and Joanna saw Jim's attention leave her almost instantaneously.

Her father seemed completely oblivious to the blue eyes fixated on him and continued to walk over to the bathroom without even glancing here way.

"Gonna be ready in about fifteen minutes. Joanna if you're going to need to take anything with you, better get it together," he said as he shut the bathroom door behind him. Joanna popped another bit of pastry in her mouth.

"Dad's really not a morning person," she commented and Jim dragged his eyes away from the bathroom door to look at her once more.

"No I guess not. Never really noticed it on the Enterprise because we worked shifts and even then they were so irregular it seemed like we were always tired anyway," he said, shrugging slightly. "But yeah, Bones seems to always have trouble waking up. Give him an hour and he'll be disgustingly cheerful."

Joanna nodded and finished off her pastry, pushing away the paper bag it had come in and getting to her feet. She cleared the breakfast things into one of the bags and walked into the kitchen. Really, Jim couldn't be more obvious about having a massive crush on her father if he'd tried, but it seemed that her dad didn't even realise. And what was with that? Did her dad just not like Jim that way?

"Oh yeah I meant to ask you-"

Joanna jumped, dropping the rubbish all over the floor. She hadn't expected Jim to follow her. He laughed and dropped to the floor with her, helping her pick up the empty pastry packets and dumping them in the bin.

"Sorry, sorry. I just wanted to ask you something. There's a ball coming up to celebrate the Enterprise's return and the promotions and stuff people are getting. I wondered if you were interested in coming along as my plus one," Jim asked, dusting off his hands and giving her a confident grin as though he already knew her answer.

The thought of attending a ball. A real one. That was pretty amazing. To make it better, she was going to be the Captain's date. She was already nodding her head before she even thought about it properly.

"Isn't there anyone else you'd want to go with?" she asked, although her heart was already racing with excitement. Jim's expression remained light and open, though something flickered in his eyes.

"I could think of no greater honour, Joanna, than having you on my arm for such a prestigious event. Besides, if I take anyone else the rumour mill gets going and the next thing I know I'm as married as Spock and Uhura," he joked. Joanna reached forward without thinking, hugging him tightly.

"Thanks Uncle Jim!" she said. Jim wasn't as awkward as he had been before, on the transporter pad. He wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed her before letting her go.

"Uncle Jim?" he questioned. Joanna smiled as she pulled away.

"Yup. Uncle Jim. You're looking after me just as much as dad is while I'm here and you're dad's best friend. That makes you Uncle Jim in my book," she said, folding her arms across her chest. Jim grinned at her and ruffled her hair.

"So today you can shop for a dress," he said, stepping out of the kitchen. Joanna smiled, happily thinking about all the things that she could convince her dad to buy her if there was a ball to go to.

"Are you telling Joanna about the ball? I was going to do that," her father stepped out of the bathroom, steam following him. He was dressed casually, similar to Jim, in jeans and a t-shirt. He was towelling off his hair almost absently.

"Yeah and we're going for a dress right?! That's why you agreed to go shopping with Uhura yesterday?" Joanna asked, bounding forward to pull on her father's free arm happily. He smiled.

"Yeah something like that," he replied, looking at Jim with an expression that said quite clearly that he was not prepared for teenage girls this early in the morning. Joanna laughed, cuddling his arm to her.

"Jim's asked me to go with him as his plus one," she said happily. "So I need to have the best dress at the ball."

Her father's expression became somewhat bemused at that and he glanced at Jim. "I was going to ask you to come as my date, but I guess going with your own father is far less interesting than going with Captain Kirk."

"You snooze you lose," Jim replied with a chuckle as he leaned against the dining room table. Joanna wondered if she should say something about them perhaps going with each other when the doorbell went.

"That'll be Uhura and Spock. Would it kill them to be late for once?" her father grumbled as he walked over to the door.

Joanna followed him, still giddy with excitement. The door opened to a beautiful black woman, her large dark eyes smiling even if the rest of her face remained impassive. Behind her stood Commander Spock, his hands clasped behind his back, his expression completely closed off. Joanna had seen them in newsfeeds, but hadn't really communicated with either of them.

"Nyota, Spock, come on in. I'm almost ready and Jim's been here for half an hour or so filling Joanna's head with nonsense about this goddamn ball," her father stepped to one side to let them in.

Nyota Uhura was graceful as well as beautiful, Joanna realised. Her body seemed to move with a dancer's elegance. The smooth lines of her body were enhanced by the silver tunic she was wearing, white leggings clinging to smooth toned legs. Joanna was immediately envious, but in all the best ways. No wonder there were so many people who adored the woman. She was absolutely beautiful, intelligent and a model Starfleet Officer to boot.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Joanna. I've heard lots of lovely things from your dad," Nyota said, holding out her hand. Joanna took it in her own, trying not to compare her own skin or blemishes compared to Nyota's own perfect, soft hands.

"Indeed. It is an honor, Miss McCoy," Spock said as he too stepped in. He raised the ta'al and Joanna dropped Nyota's hand to return it. Commander Spock was far taller than she'd thought he would be and he had a presence that seemed to weigh gravity to every word he said.

"Pleased to meet you both," Joanna said, feeling somewhat awkward. That was until Jim bounded forward, slinging his arms around their shoulders and planting a kiss on Spock's cheek.

"Congratulations are in order I hear. When are the little Spocks on their way then, hm? Am I going to have to paint someone's quarters pink and install mobiles?" he asked. Uhura immediately pushed him away, rolling her shoulders to disengage his arm and looking at him exasperatedly. Spock just weathered it without a change in expression, though Joanna didn't need telepathy to know that the other was just hoping that Jim let go soon.

"If you are referring to the rumours that myself and Nyota are to be married, I can assure you Captain that we would have let you know before the tabloids," Spock said. Jim laughed and let Spock go.

"Well, I did wonder if you were going to do a shotgun wedding what the reason would be. All I could think of was the pitter-patter of tiny feet," he said. Nyota pushed him away from her as he went to put his arm around her and Joanna could see now what Jim had meant that morning.

"Jim, if you're done messin' with them, can we just go? The sooner we get started, the sooner we get finished," her father said, now ready to go with a jacket slung over his shoulders. Joanna quickly hurried to get her own handbag and joined them back at the front.

"I thought we could walk into the town and then catch a cab back. It's a good day for it," Nyota said, as she stepped out of the door. Joanna didn't have any idea how far away they were from any kind of mall or shopping district but she didn't care. She was going to a ball.

"Yeah. Give Jim the chance to get rid of some of this energy he's hoarding," her father replied as he locked up the door. Jim laughed, the sound carrying down the corridor.

The morning was spent dragging her father and Spock into stores reluctantly. Surprisingly, Jim was rather enthusiastic about the shopping aspect of it, though Joanna was sure that some of it was just to annoy Nyota. He would hold up the smallest, skimpiest things in the shop, things that made her father blush to even look at, and Nyota would march over and hit him with the coat hanger and put it back.

Even so, not all of Jim's choices were bad. He'd found quite a few dresses that Joanna had considered asking her father to buy for her. Even Nyota at one point had praised his taste, before retracting the statement a moment later when he found a ballgown made entirely of faux-crocodile skin and suggested Nyota get married in it.

They hadn't bought a single thing by the time lunchtime rolled around and her father was grumbling and rubbing at his shoulders as they sat down in a rather expensive restaurant.

The food was delicious and Joanna and Nyota discussed all the different things that they were looking for in the dresses they wanted, compared things they'd seen already and what they expected of the ball while the men sat around somewhat sullenly.

Joanna did attempt to draw Spock and her father into the conversation, but Spock's answers seemed to be single syllables only and her father just said something indistinct. It didn't put a dampener on her mood however, until the bill arrived.

Jim snagged it immediately, glancing at the amount and putting his credit chip down to pay for the lot. The sound of protest from everyone else was almost immediate, with her father trying to steal the bill and Nyota actually leaning over the table to try to snatch it from Jim's hand. Joanna didn't see what all the fuss was about and was about to say so when her father loosened his grip on Jim's wrist only to have his hand fly into her face.

She flinched, accidentally moving into Spock who had been taking a sip of water while he surveyed the scramble. The water poured down the other's front and Joanna squeaked, immediately reaching for the napkins.

"Now look what you did, Jim! If you'd just let us pay," she heard her father saying, his accent more pronounced.

"Please, Miss McCoy it is quite alright. It is only water and will not stain."

"Kirk, hand over that bill now. We'll divide it between us like civilised people."

"Not a chance. I can cover this. Think of it as a wedding present."

"I told you that we're not-"

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean-"

"Is there a problem here?"

It was almost as one that they all looked up at the waiter, who had his brow raised as he looked at them. Joanna felt embarrassment crawling up her spine and she looked at the rest of them who appeared to be just as struck dumb as she was. Eventually Spock spoke.

"There is no issue. If you would take the payment from the Captain, we are ready to depart," he said and got to his feet. Joanna clutched the damp napkins, mortified. There was silence for a moment before the sound of laughing.

She looked up to see that Jim's shoulders were shaking, his hand over his mouth trying to contain his giggles.

"It's not funny Jim. We nearly got kicked out," her father scolded, though he couldn't keep the scowl on his face for very long. It was contagious. Jim's laughter spread through them all and Joanna thought that even Spock's lips quirked upwards slightly.

It took another three hours until the perfect dress was discovered. Joanna had begun to despair when they finally entered a small boutique at the end of the boulevard that had a beautiful classic Hollywood line up in the window.

Nyota had already got her own dress, a beautiful slinky number in bright scarlet that hung off one shoulder and made her collarbones look like they were cut from diamonds, but she still began to search through the racks for something that Joanna might wear.

It was Jim, however, that found it.

When he held it out, Joanna just knew. It was a deep, burnished bronze, with delicate detailing over the sweetheart neckline in gold. It was knee length, but it was figure hugging and Joanna couldn't imagine herself in it, no matter how beautiful it was. Jim held it out to her and she hesitantly took it.

"Nyota, this would look-" she began but Nyota held up a hand.

"Nope. This one is for you. Go try it on," she said, ushering Joanna towards the changing rooms and drawing the curtain behind her. Once inside, Joanna pulled her own casual clothes off, pulling on the dress and looking at herself in the mirror. It didn't look right, not with her feet flat on the ground and her hair scraped back into a ponytail.

A few moments later a hand hooked around the curtain, holding a pair of heels.

"Nyota says to try these," her father's voice came through. Joanna took them and slipped them onto her feet. The heels did make the dress look better in some ways, but Joanna still couldn't help but feel self-conscious about the way the fabric bunched a little around her stomach or the way it plunged a little too low towards her breasts.

Deciding to get Nyota's opinion, she stepped out of the booth. They were all waiting for her outside. Commander Spock stood, his arms clasped behind his back, his eyes focused on some kind of tiara stand. Nyota was sat down, adjusting her heels at the back of her foot. Her father and Jim were stood together, Jim's arm draped over her father's shoulder as they laughed about something.

The moment that her father saw her, however, he stepped out of Jim's hold, his face changing completely. Joanna felt her shoulders hunch awkwardly in response. She didn't know what to make of it all, but then she heard a wolf-whistle. She glanced up to see Jim removing his fingers from his mouth, grinning.

"I think that's the dress, don't you?" he asked the others. Spock didn't comment, merely raising his eyebrow at Jim. Nyota smiled and got to her feet, adjusting the way that it hang on her shoulders a little and tugging it in places to make it fit better.

Her father had put his hand over his mouth. Joanna wished he'd say something because she felt ridiculous, stood there in a beautiful gown that cost twice as much as anything she'd ever owned before. He took a few steps forward and Nyota drew away, letting her father sweep her into a hug.

"You look so much like your mother dressed like that," he said against her shoulder. Joanna felt him tighten his arms around her, squeezing her before he drew back. "Did your mother ever tell you how we ended up getting together?"

Joanna shook her head. She had never felt right asking her mother, and what she had gathered were a few dribs and drabs here and there. It was seen as rather a faux-pas to ask in any case, as Clay was nearly always there anyway.

"Your mom had some brute of a boyfriend. He was crazy possessive and let's just say we didn't get along too well. In any case, I'm there at the school dance, minding my own damn business, when the goddamn prom queen grabs me and insists I dance with her. Well, I was hardly going to say no," her father's smile was somewhat wistful. Joanna guessed the prom queen was her mom and smiled a little, seeing how the way she was dressed was linked now to this memory.

"We danced for a bit and the next thing I know I'm being dragged away by the collar. I landed a lucky hit, sent the idiot sprawlin' and left with your mom," he said, shrugging. "I guess at the time I was a bit of a knight in shining armour, though I don't think that lasted too long. After all, the prom queen and prom king always do seem to find a way to get back together in the end."

Joanna frowned. Her mother had never mentioned anything like this to her. "What do you mean?"

"The idiot who I punched? Clay Treadway. Guess he'd call it karma," her father said and took a step back, releasing her completely. Joanna felt floored. She hadn't known that her father had known Clay since high school. She'd always thought her mother and father were high school sweethearts, always together and that things had just not lasted. The way her father told it was more that… that her father had been a distraction, a stepping stone in the relationship between her mother and Clay.

"You look beautiful, Joanna. As beautiful as your mom did on that night. I think it's definitely the right dress," he finished and Joanna could feel her eyes burning as unexpected tears came to her face. She swiped at her eyes and saw Nyota was smiling at her. Even Spock was watching attentively.

But Jim had disappeared and only when she craned her head to look, could she see that he was stood outside the shop, leaning against the doorjamb.

* * *

"Thanks for a lovely day, Nyota!" Joanna said. Spock and Nyota were waiting for their hover cab to pick them up and her father had already unlocked the door to the apartment. Jim leaned against the wall, his smile looking a little fixed on his face.

"No problem, honey. You're going to look great in that dress in a few days' time, I swear. I'll even come and help you do your hair and make-up," Nyota promised, reaching out to sweep her into a one armed hug, pressing an air kiss against her cheek. Spock merely raised the ta'al, choosing to remain silent.

"Take your 'wife' home, Spock, before they get into another thirty minute conversation about shoes," her father growled. Nyota rolled her eyes.

"We did not just talk about shoes all day! We talked about a lot of things, just you weren't listening when we did!" she said, wagging her finger at him. Her father shrugged and waved a hand, disappearing into the apartment. Joanna waved as she followed and moments later Jim also entered, the fixed smile still in place.

"So kiddo, you had fun?" he asked, flopping onto the sofa. Joanna was about to respond when her PADD started to beep in her bag. She dashed over to the sofa, dumping her bags down next to Jim before she answered it. Her mother's face filled the screen.

"Joanna, I thought you were going to ring tonight!"

"Sorry, mom. Lost track of time. I was out shopping with Lieutenant Uhura," she said brightly, perching on the edge of the sofa arm as she reached forward to activate the PADD case so that it would stand of it's own free will. She was aware that part of Jim was in camera shot, but the other was looking steadfastly down at his own PADD and ignoring the conversation happening right next to him.

Her dad exited the kitchen and raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, leaning against the wall as he dried his hands. He must have started cooking dinner.

"Oh yes I remember you mentioning something about it. So what did you buy?"

Joanna reached for the bags almost instantly, pulling out shoes and accessories and finally the beautiful, beautiful dress. She held it up and turned it so her mother could see it on her.

"Oh Joanna, you're not going to wear that anywhere," her mother's voice cut through her happiness like a knife. Joanna felt Jim stir next to her.

"What? But mom, it's for a ball-"

"It's way too adult for you! I mean, it's backless!" her mother protested. She let the dress drop to her side, feeling her lip protruding into a pout.

"But everyone said it looked-"

"Put your father on," her mother said, in a voice that brokered no argument. Joanna grimaced and picked up the PADD, holding it in her father's direction. He didn't look too thrilled to be accepting it, but took it anyway, disappearing into the kitchen with it. Moments later there was the sound of shouting.

"Well, that went well," Jim commented lightly, eyes drifting to the door. Joanna sank into the sofa, feeling dejected.

"They'll argue for hours now. It won't even be about the dress anymore. It'll be about everything they've ever done to each other. That's what it's always like when they talk," she said, folding her arms across her chest.

"Well, we've just got to remind them of something," Jim said. Joanna looked up, wondering what he meant. "We've got to remind them that they both made you, and that regardless of what happened or happens between them, they should both be trying to make you the happiest sixteen year old in the universe."

* * *

Joanna didn't know if Jim's plan would work, but it was an enthusiastic one all the same. She made herself up quickly, retouching her make-up under Jim's eager if somewhat unknowledgeable guidance. He helped her with her hair, pinning it where she was unable to. Finally he stepped out so she could wriggle into the dress, put on the shoes and the accessories.

When she stepped out, Jim beamed at her, offering her his arm as they walked to the kitchen. Sure enough, her parents were still mouthing off at each other down the comm line and she felt hesitant as she reached for the door.

"Don't worry. Show your mom how nice you look. If she still says it's got to be another dress, then hell, we'll go buy you another dress," Jim said, his voice calm, his eyes holding a quiet understanding. Joanna nodded and opened the door.

Her father had his head in his hands as his mother's shrill tone echoed around the kitchen. He looked up and when he saw her his mouth settled in a thin line. "Joanna, now isn't the time to-"

"If she's there, put her on. I want to make clear-"

When her mother saw her though, she fell silent. Joanna let the comm scan down the outfit and back up to her face.

"Joanna, it's still too old for you…" her mother repeated, but she sounded unsure now. Her eyes had softened a little.

"If she's too young for that dress, you were definitely too young for the dress you wore to prom," her father said, sounding hollowed and worn out. Her mother's lips tightened.

"Let me think about it overnight. You look… You look beautiful, Jo, but I'm not sure that it's sending the right message for a girl of your age," her mother said. "Now I'm going to go. Tell your father to keep the receipt just in case. Goodnight Joanna."

"Goodnight mom," she said as the comm screen went blank. Her father was slumped against the counter, looking drained. Behind her she could feel Jim's presence at the door. Why didn't Jim go to him, why didn't he fill this awkwardness like he usually did? Why was he leaving it up to her?

She walked forward, putting her arms around her father's shoulders and hugging him. He clung to her, not saying a word, his strong arms circling her waist tightly. After a minute or so, he cleared his throat, pulling away.

"Well, with that out of the way, go get changed. I managed to get dinner in the oven before that argument so it'll be ready in a few minutes. Wouldn't want you to spoil that pretty dress now would we?" he said, turning away from her. She slid out of the door and looked at Jim who was smiling, that same fixed, strained smile as before.

"Looks like we won that round," he said, resting his hand on her shoulder. It made Joanna wonder why the hell he looked for all the world like he'd lost.


	7. Chapter 7: Jim: Enough

Chapter 7: Jim POV: Enough

Summary: Please find enclosed the recommendations for commendations, promotions and assignments for the crew of your vessel, the USS Enterprise. If there are any queries about the information below, we will be open to consult from tomorrow morning. Due to the extraordinary length of your mission, you will notice that many are not reassigned to the Enterprise for her next voyage. Assignments have been finalised by the Admiralty as of this morning, although there are some cases in which you may be able to petition for a change if needed.

Notes: Very short but it's an interlude from Jim's point of view rather than a chapter. I hope that this is alright. I tried to make sure that the promotions were in line with Starfleet and Naval structures but I may have made mistakes.

Chapter Text

The apartment was dark. Jim threw his bike keys into the dish by the door and pulled off his boots before he turned on the lights. The light was bright and flooded the whole room with its glow causing him to blink for a moment. He moved into the lounge, throwing his bike jacket onto the sofa before heading straight for the liquor cabinet.

A rather large measure of whiskey in hand, Jim moved back to the couch, his mind roving over the events of the day. It had been stressful. He hadn't thought it would be but in the end he had felt himself becoming the worst kind of person because of it.

The day had started well, then he'd put his foot in it inviting Joanna to the ball with him. He hadn't even thought that Bones wouldn't do his usual and go with Chapel in their little 'fuck everyone, this event sucks' pact, but of course with his daughter there… So he'd started the day feeling guilty as sin and it hadn't been made better through the course of the day.

He'd seen, so, so clearly, how Bones had looked at his little girl. As she'd flitted about excitedly, he'd watched those hazel eyes take in every single movement she made. He'd seen Bones' smile, gentle and kind and just for her.

Jim knew it was stupid to be jealous of Bones' child, but he couldn't convince himself of the same about Jocelyn. When Bones had started to talk to Joanna about her, he could hear the love in the other's voice. He had wanted to believe that Bones was finished with her, that he was emotionally detached from the situation, but the tone the other had used… It had been so full of emotion that Jim had been forced to flee.

He knew Spock had watched him go and he had no idea how to explain his actions without giving himself away. Luckily, Spock had not asked.

Then they'd got back and Joanna had answered her mother's comm and good grief, Jocelyn Treadway was beautiful. She had hazelnut hair that curled luxuriously against her neck, her eyes a warm brown framed by the longest eyelashes Jim had seen. Her lips were full, her cheekbones so high and perfect that she looked like a painting. Her eyes had laughter lines at the corners and she had a mole near her left ear.

The fight that ensued had made Jim itch to do something. He had no way of competing with this woman, he realised. She was female for a start, but also the mother of Bones' child and beautiful, almost perfect. Yet he could help Bones and Joanna out on this one, could prevent her from tearing them both a new one.

He had made Joanna up and pushed her into that room and watched as his world disappeared. She'd held onto her father and Jim had known that it was enough, that it was all over.

He had eaten dinner with them, laughed in all the right places, smiled when Joanna had waved goodbye to him. He had got onto his bike and still kept the smile. Not until he was around the corner had he let it fall.

He'd looked up into the sky and not even been able to see the stars.

"You have transmissions waiting," his computer told him as he put his feet up on the coffee table. Jim sipped the whiskey.

"Transfer them to my PADD," he ordered, digging into his pocket for it. He held it up in front of his face, filtering through the spam and useless press requests to get to the ones that had meaning.

There was one and it was from Starfleet. Jim took two large gulps of the whiskey, gagging slightly as he put the tumbler down on the table. He opened it, forcing himself to scroll down, to not move too quickly, to read every name.

**[To:] **james. (Captain) **[From:] **Starfleet Administration **[Subject:] **Commendations, Promotions and Assignments for Evaluation Dear Captain Kirk, Please find enclosed the recommendations for commendations, promotions and assignments for the crew of your vessel, the USS Enterprise. If there are any queries about the information below, we will be open to consult from tomorrow morning. Due to the extraordinary length of your mission, you will notice that many are not reassigned to the Enterprise for her next voyage. Assignments have been finalised by the Admiralty as of this morning, although there are some cases in which you may be able to petition for a change if needed. **Engineering Department** Ensign Julian Hargreave – Commendation for bravery – USS Enterprise Ensign Alia Johnson –No commendations –USS Potemkin

The list of Ensigns and lower officers was long and Jim could place a face to every name. Every single goddamn one of them. He could see their faces, injured, laughing, filled with wonder or awe. He refilled his glass, sipping from it as he made his way down the list.

His commanding officers were grouped at the bottom and Jim's hand tightened around the class.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk – Promotion to Commodore – Assignment TBA Commander Spock – To remain First Officer to Commodore Kirk upon request – Assignment TBA Lieutenant Nyota Uhura – Promotion to Lieutenant Commander – Enterprise Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott – Commendation for Services to Starfleet – Enterprise Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu – Promotion to Lieutenant Commander and First Officer – Potemkin Ensign Pawel Chekov – Promotion to Lieutenant – Potemkin Lieutenant Commander Leonard McCoy – Promotion to Commander – Starfleet Academy upon request of transfer

Jim threw the pad across the room, not even caring as he heard the resounding smash that told him it had hit something. He emptied his gas of whiskey, gasping as he did so before he threw that too. A moment later he kicked the coffee table.

He could feel the betrayal inside him, deep and strong and burning, burning hotter than whiskey. He was losing them all. His family, they were going. They were already gone. The assignments were already decided upon. They were scattering them. They had spent years building them, making them the best in the 'fleet and now they were going to send them out across the other ships and Jim was going to be left alone again.

He leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. He could feel tears trying to fight for dominance with the anger but he forced them all down. No, he couldn't think of it this way. He couldn't allow the sadness to overwhelm him. Another family gone, another family moving away, moving on, leaving him behind him.

He dashed to his feet, running for the bathroom. Falling to his knees he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Whiskey and the dinner Bones had cooked swirling away as he leaned over the sink. He needed to pull himself together.

It was not the end of everything.

But Bones…

Bones was staying on Earth. Staying at Starfleet Academy. And Jim would have Spock with him, no matter where he went, but it wouldn't be the same because it wasn't Bones.

And he couldn't say anything. Today had just proved that there was more than Jim in Bones' life. Joanna and Jocelyn and a myriad of other things that Bones had been considering all along, that Jim just had never noticed.

"Enough now, Jim… Enough."


	8. Chapter 8: The Strength of Affection

**Chapter 8: Joanna POV: The Strength of that Affection?**

* * *

Summary: "This is pretty heavy for first thing in the mornin', Jo," he said and for a moment she thought he wasn't going to answer her question at all. "I just don't have any luck in love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of person to love someone half-assedly. It's all or nothing and those people I've cared about, well… It's not been the right time or the right place. For some of them, it never will be."

* * *

Notes: I've been awed by the lovely responses everyone has been giving for this fic. There is one more chapter to what I consider the 'turnabout' moment of this fic, and it'll be a McCoy POV. This chapter is Joanna and it's relatively short as it's just pulling in some things for the ball in the next Joanna chapter. But seriously, all of you lovelies who have been reading and reviewing, thank you 3

* * *

Joanna woke the next morning and scrambled out of bed. It was late, a little after ten. Last night had been so busy and she must have been more tired than she'd thought. She grabbed her hairbrush from the dresser, spreading her other things out across the surface. Her toothbrush rolled in front of the photo of her father, Jim and Gaila.

Over the last few days her things had spread throughout the room. Clothes had been hung up on coat hangers from the wardrobe door and some things had snuck into drawers so she didn't have to scrabble around in the bottom of her suitcase. She didn't even bother to make the bed as she padded to the bathroom, toothbrush and hairbrush in hand.

She paused at the bathroom door, however, as she could hear her father's voice. His bedroom door was open, and she assumed he hadn't heard her dashing down the hall. She knew that it was bad to eavesdrop, but she couldn't help it.

"I just wanted to see if he was busy today. Thought he might want to go out with me and Jo to see the sights but I can see he's a little busy," her father was saying. Joanna couldn't see his face but the tone of his voice was awfully formal.

"Well, he isn't even awake yet, Doctor McCoy. I can pass on the message when he wakes up if you want," a female voice answered. Joanna guessed it must be a comm call and wondered who her father was talking to. It didn't sound like Uhura and she wasn't sure her father would inviteSpock out sightseeing.

"It's alright, Carol. If he drank as much as you say he did last night, he'd just be irritable anyway…" her father's voice trailed off. Joanna thought the name sounded familiar, but she couldn't place where she'd heard it.

"Is there something else, Doctor?" the woman asked after there was a moment's pause.

"I just… Are you and Jim…? You know what, it's none of my business."

Joanna's hand tightened on her toothbrush as shock went through her. Her father had been calling Jim. She ran over the last few days in her head, wondering if she'd misinterpreted everything she'd seen.

"You're right, Doctor McCoy. It really is none of your business. Now if you don't mind, I have to go make sure he hasn't choked on his own vomit."

"Yeah sure, you go right ahead."

Joanna darted into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her as she stared at her own reflection in the bathroom mirror. She couldn't have been that wrong, could she? But there was evidence here to suggest that Jim had returned and just… jumped into bed with that woman. Maybe Jim wasn't even aware of his own behaviour?

And her father's behaviour… He hadn't seemed too put out by the fact that Jim wasn't going to come out with them. He hadn't acted like a jealous lover, more like a curious friend. Joanna splashed some cold water on her face, dabbing at it with a towel as she tried to work out what she'd got wrong.

When she finally stepped into the lounge, her father was serving pancakes on the kitchen table with a cheerful smile. He didn't look like he was at all put out by the revelation that Jim was sleeping with another woman, in fact his whole demeanour seemed incredibly bright and gleeful. Joanna took a place at the table feeling lost.

"Well, good mornin' sweetheart. You look like you woke up on the wrong side of bed though," her father said, kissing her forehead and walking back to the kitchen with the frying pan. She stared at the pancakes in the middle of the table, watching the butter in the centre melt.

"I thought we could go have a look 'round San Francisco today, seeing as we didn't get the chance before," her father called from the kitchen. He returned a few moments later with two mugs of coffee, setting one down in front of her. Only once he was settled across from her did his expression change to a slight frown.

"What's the matter? Don't you like pancakes?" he asked. Joanna shook her head and helped herself to some a little too quickly. "So what's eatin' at ya?"

Joanna didn't know how to phrase it. She could hardly say that she had thought that her dad and Jim had some kind of budding romance going on and that she had been kind of hoping that they'd get together because it would be really cool to have a Starship Captain as a stepdad. It just would be too awkward. She sipped her coffee, stalling for time.

"Have you been with anyone? You know, since mom?" she asked, figuring that it might be an easy way into the topic. Perhaps there was history there? Maybe some fantastical tale of forbidden love that had him and Jim holding themselves back or something? Anything to explain the situation in a way that would make sense.

Her father quirked an eyebrow up at her. "No one permanent."

"No one? You're saying in the last ten years you haven't been in love with another person?" she asked. She found it hard to believe. She'd fallen in and out of love with at least three boys in the last year alone. It wasn't possible that her father had lived his life completely without that connection, she was sure of it.

"I've had some… ah, casual relations. I got married to a High Priestess at one point, in what I like to think of as a fit of lunacy," he said with a shrug. Joanna choked on her pancakes, staring at her father with wide eyes. He grinned at her.

"She was a lovely woman, but I really wasn't thinking straight at the time. Luckily, there's Starfleet Protocol to fall back on when stuff like that happens and I could get the marriage annulled," he said with a shrug. "It was all very whirlwind."

Joanna realised she'd frozen like a statue, her hands on her cutlery, as she just looked at her father. He seemed to be extremely amused by her stare and he sipped his coffee, his eyes twinkling over the rim.

"You're joking, right?" she asked. Her father's eyes crinkled but he neither confirmed nor denied her suspicions.

"What about anyone else?" she pushed. Her father's brows creased.

"There's been a few short flings… Joanna, why are you asking?" he asked. Joanna looked down at her pancakes, prodding at them.

"Well it's just… Mom has Clay, you know… and I always thought that you would have found someone else too… But you haven't and I just wondered… why?" she asked. It was a half-truth, not the question she wanted to ask, but it might get her the answer she wanted all the same. Her father shifted awkwardly on his seat.

"This is pretty heavy for first thing in the mornin', Jo," he said and for a moment she thought he wasn't going to answer her question at all. "I just don't have any luck in love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of person to love someone half-assedly. It's all or nothing and those people I've cared about, well… It's not been the right time or the right place. For some of them, it never will be."

Joanna let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding. It didn't confirm anything, not really, but at least her father was talking about it. She took a sip of her coffee and tried to think of another question.

"Are you bisexual, Dad?" she asked. Her father lowered his coffee mug slowly. He was slowly turning pink. "It's just you said 'people' rather than 'women' and that kind of pronoun dodging usually means-"

"Goddamnit, Joanna, you're far too perceptive for your own good," he said, though there was no real heat in his words, more a hint of shock. "But for good measure, I'm not anything. I don't believe in labels and neither should you."

"Pansexual it is then," she said, laughing slightly when her father grumbled a curse word into his coffee. She couldn't help but feel a little bit better for having dug out that nugget of information though. It meant that perhaps she hadn't been completely stupid in what she'd seen. Maybe her dad could have feelings for Jim…? If Jim wasn't just seeing women that was.

"What about you? You've dug into my private life, now spill lady. Who's after my only daughter's virtue?" her father asked, and that teasing smile was in place again. Joanna felt her cheeks heat as she spilled the beans all about Joseph and his amazing smile and the way he always held open the door for her in math class. Her father listened, indulgently, as she reeled off about how amazing he was.

It was only when her father was clearing their breakfast plates that she realised he'd successfully derailed the conversation.

"Is Jim coming with us today?" she asked, deciding that being coy about it probably was going to get her nowhere. Her father raised an eyebrow.

"No he's busy and needs some private time," her father said. Joanna frowned a little before she got that her father was implying that Jim was… was… She turned bright red.

"Now please tell me that you just wanted Jim to come with us because you're worried your old man might be a bit boring and not because you've got a crush on Captain Handsome," he joked, patting her on the shoulder and walking to the kitchen without waiting for an answer.

The rest of the day was fun. Joanna didn't have time to dwell on what she'd learned earlier as her dad dragged her around San Francisco as though it might disappear if they left anything for the next day.

They went over to Alcatraz and Joanna had taken a fair few photos of herself in various cells to send to friends. It was such an odd place and she had felt rather frightened when they had locked her into one of the cells to show what it had been like for prisoners. It was so barbaric that Joanna wondered what humanity must have been like all those years ago for such a thing to have been seen as necessary.

After that they'd taken a ride in a preserved cable car that had her father grumbling about how unsafe the thing was while they took a ride up to the top of a hill with a fantastic view across the bay. Her father bought them lunch, hot dogs and then crepes, as they sat on a bench overlooking the ocean.

They'd talked about history and philosophy and space and Joanna learned a lot as she listened to her father's opinions. She knew that he had to be educated, he was a doctor, but she realised that he was far much more knowledgeable than the majority of adults she came into contact with on a regular basis.

After lunch they went out to the bridge and Joanna watched as a selection of old fashioned boats floated beneath them. Her father stood beside her, happy in the silence between them. They stood there for twenty minutes, just soaking in the environment, before her father put his hand on her shoulder and pulled her away.

The rest of the day was a blur. Her father knew the city well and took her to a selection of interesting stores and places she had never heard of but was glad to discover. They finished the day on the beach, sat in the sand in their clothes, their shoes and socks tucked to one side. Her father had bought them both ice creams and they were melting almost faster than they could eat them.

"Satisfied your need to explore, Joanna?" her father asked. She smiled at him and then lunged forward in panic as a bit of ice cream dripped down the cone. Her father chuckled.

"I remember you as a baby when we used to buy these for you. You got it all everywhere. It would look like we'd dipped you in the tub," her father reminisced and Joanna laughed a little.

Later they rolled up their jeans and dipped their feet into the ocean. Joanna loved the sensation of it sucking on her toes as it receded. Once it started to get dark, her father gestured for her to follow him off the beach to go get some dinner.

Suddenly feeling ravenous, Joanna followed him, rinsing off her feet in the fresh water taps by the beach wall and putting her socks on her still damp feet. They walked to a restaurant that advertised fresh seafood and sat outside, the deck lit by fluttering gas lamps.

She couldn't help but feel closer to her father as the day went on. Although he didn't make any announcements, or tell her any secrets, the little things that she learned as the day went on made her feel closer to him than she ever had in one of his comms. She watched the way he picked at the mussels he'd ordered and learned more. His tastes, his mannerisms, the way his hands waved when he talked, the way his eyes shifted between deepest green and warm, rich brown.

"Doctor McCoy. I was not aware that you would be here."

Joanna turned around so fast she almost had whiplash. Spock stood there, his hands clasped in front of him. Uhura was beside him, made up for dinner with her hair down around her shoulders. She was smiling. Behind them stood Jim, looking red-eyed and sullen until Joanna met his eye and then he seemed to force himself to smile. It was… painful.

"Ah, me and Joanna spent a day taking in the sights. Finished up on the beach. Heard you guys raving about this place so figured we'd try it out," her father said, shrugging slightly. Nyota smiled and gestured to the waiter for him to put the tables together. Joanna shifted awkwardly as Jim took the seat next to her, Spock and Uhura choosing to sit next to each other beside her father.

"I hope you don't mind us joining you, Leonard. We were just extracting Jim from his apartment to remind him that the outside world exists. He's spent all day in there, if Carol is to be believed, with his blinds drawn against the light and the hangover of the century," Nyota said, rolling her eyes. Joanna shifted uncomfortably. Her father just shook his head.

"I'm sure he did," he said, his tone dripping with innuendo. She felt Jim tense next to her.

"Hey. I drunk texted her. I am not responsible for what I do when I've had that much whiskey," he said, but his leg was jumping under the table. Joanna picked at her food, trying not to draw attention to the fact that she was listening in.

"I'm sure she was thrilled to see your drunk ass," her father said, reaching to sip his water. Joanna really wished that Jim would stop his leg twitching because she was having trouble restraining herself from putting a hand on it to stop it.

"Not really, no, come to think of it. She actually threatened to take me into hospital," Jim grimaced. Joanna's eyes widened and she looked up at Jim. Her father cleared his throat.

"Great role model you're being there, Jim," he said pointedly. Jim waved a hand dismissively in Joanna's direction.

"She's sensible and not an idiot like me," he said, giving her a grin that seemed a little more honest. "Besides, I wasn't hospital-worthy. I know what that feels like and it was nowhere near."

Her father was looking Jim up and down with a look that said he wasn't so sure. He was staring at Jim rather openly, looking for things that she was sure only a doctor would see. Nyota and Spock were staring at the menu and only sometimes sneaking glances up at the two of them. At one point, Nyota's eyes met Joanna's and she smiled before returning to the menu.

"Seriously, stop doing the doctor thing. I'm fine. Carol cooked my breakfast and rehydrated me," Jim was saying. Her father's eyebrow twitched.

"Last time I checked, Carol Marcus wasn't that kind of doctor," he said and Jim laughed.

"Well, she's got better bedside manner at least," he replied.

Joanna let her cutlery clatter to the plate to remind them that she was there and got to her feet.

"Bathroom break," she said to the sound of her father berating Jim about tact and Jim laughing at his own joke.

* * *

**[Nyota Uhura has added you. Allow IM from Nyota?]**

**[21:18] Nyota Uhura**: Is this Joanna? Leonard's Joanna?

**[21:21] Joanna Treadway**: Nyota? Yeah it's me. I didn't realise that I hadn't given you my comm number. Well done on finding me on the system though.

**[21:22] Nyota Uhura**: Spock helped.

**[21:23] Nyota Uhura**: We were wondering if you wanted to come to Spock's father's house tomorrow? There's a pool and it might be good to relax a little before getting ready for the ball.

**[21:25] Joanna Treadway**: Let me ask dad.

**[21:31] Joanna Treadway**: Dad asks if Sarek or… I don't know what he means by it but Spock 2 will be there?

**[21:33] Nyota Uhura**: Tell your father he is not amusing. But no, he's not going to be surrounding by Vulcans. Just me, you, Spock, your dad and Jim. Maybe Chekov and Sulu if they feel like it.

**[21: 38] Joanna Treadway**: Dad says yes. We'll see you tomorrow afternoon!

**[21: 39] Nyota Uhura**: Great!

**[21:40] Joanna Treadway**: Just one thing, Nyota. Why did you message me instead of my dad?

**[21:42] Nyota Uhura**: I have my reasons, trust me. I'll see you tomorrow at 2.

**[Nyota Uhura is offline.]**


	9. Chapter 9: Round in Circles (Leonard)

Chapter 9: Round in Circles (Interlude - Leonard)

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Summary: His thoughts kept coming back to Jim though. Over and over. The way the other had looked that night, the gas lamp light flickering over his features as he'd laughed. He'd looked worn, stretched thin and still Leonard had felt his stomach squirm when those brilliant eyes had turned to him, the smile teasing at the corners of that mouth too delicious to not want to kiss. He hadn't, of course, was more than used to holding himself back around Jim, had been doing it for years.

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Notes: Thank you to everyone who left comments! I have been playing around with the next few chapters and am already writing the next chapter. Those who are feeling frustrated, well, shit is about to hit the fan over the next few chapters so stay tuned!

* * *

Leonard didn't wait long after Joanna had gone to bed before snagging the bottle of bourbon from the liquor cabinet. He didn't try to justify it to himself. There were no excuses for this indulgence. He simply needed a drink to chase the thought of Jim and Carol from his head.

And the images were rather strong. The thought of Jim coming apart under someone else's hands hadn't driven Leonard to this level of jealousy before, but somehow now more than ever it felt worse. It was probably because Leonard knew that he wasn't going to be around anymore, that Jim was going to find someone who would make him settle down and it grated on him in ways he didn't want to acknowledge but knew were there.

Joanna had been quiet for most of the evening, listening to them talk rather than participating and looking at Kirk like he'd grown an extra head. He supposed she just hadn't believed the rumours about Jim being an insufferable playboy.

Leonard knew all too well.

It didn't matter that Jim stressed that nothing had happened and that he'd been too drunk to do anything anyway. To Bones the betrayal hadn't been that Jim had slept with another woman, but instead that when Jim had been in that dark place he sometimes inhabited, he had turned to Carol instead of him. It stung.

He sipped the bourbon and looked at the bottle carefully. It was a lot more depleted than he remembered it being. Had Jim helped himself to it that night when he'd slept on the couch? He turned the bottle around on the kitchen counter, wondering what it was that could possibly be bothering Jim enough to turn him to drink.

Leonard grabbed the bottle by the neck, taking it into the lounge and sitting on the sofa, the television playing to itself in the background of his thoughts.

Things were going well with himself and Joanna at least. He'd been worried that they would have nothing in common, but Jocelyn had done a good job. Joanna was intelligent, well-mannered and vibrant. Leonard could see so much of her mother in her though and wondered what it would have been like if he'd just been there in her formative years. He ran a hand through his hair.

Regret and melancholy seemed to weigh on him, heavier and heavier, colder and colder and he tried to chase it away with another gulp of the bourbon. It didn't dispel it, but the alcohol sent a stream of fire through his chest all the same.

He knew that he'd have to tell Jim soon about his decision to stay on earth, but what was he going to say? Particularly if Jim wasn't in a good place right now. Jim often took the path of self-destruction if left to his own devices, and now more than ever, Leonard wished he had someone he could trust to take care of the other.

Sure, Spock would look out for Jim, in his own way, but the subtleties of Jim's special brand of psychosis were lost on the Vulcan who often just mistook it for illogical human behaviour. Nyota was perceptive enough to pull Jim out of it, but that relied on her being on the Enterprise also, and Leonard wasn't sure if she was even going to be stationed there.

Leonard sighed and rubbed at his face tiredly. He could feel stubble there. Had he forgotten to shave that morning? Probably. He shouldn't have called Jim before getting himself ready. Speaking to Carol had left him so out-of-sorts he'd nearly ended up revealing everything to Joanna that morning and he wasn't ready for that kind of conversation with her.

Oh yeah. You're dad's been in love alright. Unfortunately it's with this infuriating playboy who will make out with anything with a pulse.

Leonard knew that wasn't true, wasn't fair to Jim, but he felt better if he thought about it that way. It hurt too much to think that Jim was the kind of person who could fall in love with one person and that the person he chose wasn't Leonard.

He took another sip of bourbon to almost toast the thought. Maybe Jim was in love with Carol? He'd been pretty adamant that Leonard shouldn't speak badly of her. Then again, he'd like to think that Jim would have mentioned it to him if he'd fallen in love with someone. If he was capableof falling in love with someone.

He growled, feeling annoyed and restless. Usually this would be the point he'd hit a bar, maybe talk to some pretty little thing with blue eyes and try to convince himself that he wasn't trying to find a replacement, before leaving unable to seal the deal and wracked with guilt. But Joanna was here, and he couldn't just leave her on her own in the house. At least not so that he could go and get wasted.

His thoughts kept coming back to Jim though. Over and over. The way the other had looked that night, the gas lamp light flickering over his features as he'd laughed. He'd looked worn, stretched thin and still Leonard had felt his stomach squirm when those brilliant eyes had turned to him, the smile teasing at the corners of that mouth too delicious to not want to kiss. He hadn't, of course, was more than used to holding himself back around Jim, had been doing it for years.

He wasn't so sure that Joanna could handle it though. He did have a sneaking suspicion that Joanna had a crush on Jim. She watched him so closely and seemed to behave differently around him when she found out that he'd been sleeping with Carol.

Which brought Leonard's thoughts back to Carol and Jim again and Leonard sighed. Really, he was torturing himself.

Jim was a friend, nothing more, and they weren't even going to be on the same planet soon enough.

He put the glass of bourbon down, half finished, and took himself to bed. There was no point in staying up and thinking about this anymore.


	10. Chapter 10: His Eyes (All)

Chapter 10: His Eyes (All)

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Summary: "I'd be honoured for you to join my family, Uncle Jim."

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Notes: This chapter contains many points of view to capture the events as best they can. It's a long chapter and it's currently unbeta'd. I couldn't wait any longer to get it out. I'm currently quite a few chapters ahead on this fic, so I reckon I'll be able to update perhaps once a day/once every few days until it's done. Thank you to everyone who's read so far.

* * *

Joanna woke that morning with one thought on her mind. She had made the decision and that was that. Last night, hearing everyone talking about space, seeing Jim's longing as he looked at the stars, seeing the delicate dance between her father and Jim play out…

She was going to sign up.

She scanned in the paperwork onto her PADD. The only thing she needed was the parental consent. She crept from her room. Her father was in the shower. She had to be quick.

She found his wallet discarded on the kitchen counter and quickly grabbed his Starfleet Identity card. His signature was scrawled across the bottom of it. She scanned it, her heart in her mouth, before replacing it and creeping back to her room.

The sound of water shut off just as she stepped inside. A bit of doctoring later and it looked passably like her father had actually signed the thing. She checked over her application one more time before sending it off.

It felt like the right thing to have done, but she knew she was in for a world of trouble when her mother found out.

* * *

Ambassador Sarek's house was beautiful. Situated on a cliff at the top of the bay, it looked out over the city. One of the walls was made entirely out of glass, showing off the spectacular view. Joanna pressed her hand to the glass as she looked out over it.

The whole house had an almost alien feel to it. The layout was distinctly different from the standard earth layout, but in ways Joanna couldn't have described. The art was Vulcan, what had been saved and preserved at any rate. Spock and Nyota were completely at home there, but her father seemed rather on edge, as though every item from the Vulcan home world was a reminder of a failing of his own.

Joanna hadn't broached the subject of the destruction of Vulcan with her father, guessing that it was probably not a happy memory. She was even less likely to bring it up with Spock in the room, knowing that would be even more insensitive. Still, it felt odd, a small slice of Vulcan in the middle of San Francisco.

"You have a beautiful home here," her father said, sounding stiff. Joanna turned to see Spock incline his head at the compliment.

"My mother worked to ensure that this house was kept well. My father merely continued to run it in accordance to her wishes," he said and Joanna saw her father stiffen slightly. Joanna looked between them for a moment before Nyota smoothly cut in.

"Pasha says that he and Sulu will be here soon. Shall we go get the best spots by the pool before they try to steal the spots in the sun?" she asked, gesturing for them to follow her. Spock nodded and her father relaxed minutely, looking over to Joanna. She moved away from the window, picking up her bag as she did so.

"Spock's mother was human, right?" Joanna asked quietly, when the two of them fell back. Her father's mouth thinned into a line but he nodded once. Nyota led them through what was most likely a kitchen and out the back into the garden.

The garden was not what she had expected. Vulcan being a desert planet, she had expected something arid, a few shrubs perhaps, but instead the scent of roses and flowers assaulted her senses. It was lush and green. There was a veranda with a large table on it, cushioned chairs around it and trailing vines twining around the wood. In front of it stretched the pool, crystal clear and brightest blue, it's waters still. Beside it was a lawn with a few benches scattered about in alcoves where flowers and grasses seemed to almost claim them into the greenery.

Joanna put her bag down on the veranda, staring out at the garden in awe. Nyota stepped beside her, looking over it herself for a moment, before she started to strip off her clothes. She had a bikini beneath her clothes and Joanna turned away, slightly embarrassed.

She had known Nyota was toned and slim, but she felt self-conscious all of sudden. Her own body wasn't anything in comparison and she wondered if they'd be compared. Nyota was all sleek elegance and Joanna knew that her own frame was… homelier. She wondered if it would be okay to leave her things on.

Nyota dropped her clothes into a pile before reaching for a white shirt that was hanging over one of the chairs. She pulled it over her shoulders. It covered her pretty well, ending just below her crotch.

"I do not remember you acquiring my permission to borrow my clothes," Spock's dry comment came from the table, where he was now placing a tray with a pitcher of what looked to be lemonade and a series of glasses. Her father had taken a seat there, fidgeting slightly.

"What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine," Nyota replied, smiling over her shoulder. Spock's lips quirked upwards slightly.

"Perhaps the Captain's confusion has affected your own reasoning, Nyota, but I feel the need to remind you that by Terran standards, we are not yet married," he said. Nyota laughed and walked over to the table, sitting down and helping herself to lemonade.

"Perhaps, Spock. But if you ever feel the need to borrow my clothes-"

"That will not be necessary," Spock interrupted her. Joanna giggled and relaxed a little. She stripped down to her swimsuit, feeling less self-conscious now that both Nyota and Spock seemed a little more human. Her father remained steadfastly fully dressed however, even though Joanna knew that he must have brought his swimming things. Spock also remained in his Vulcan clothes, all of which looked way to warm for the weather they were experiencing.

"THE PARTY CAN BE STARTING NOW! PASHA AND HIKARU ARE HERE!"

Joanna whipped around, startled. There was a white blur that barrelled past her and then a loud, resounding splash from the pool. Moments later, a curly haired individual bobbed to the surface, laughing and swimming to the steps.

"Pasha, you're a child," an Asian man stepped from the house. It took a moment for Joanna to realise he had a bundle of the other man's clothes in his hands. She wondered if Pavel Chekov had just stripped off on his way through the Ambassador's house, leaving the person she assumed was Hikaru Sulu to clean up the mess.

"Nyet. I am just wery excited to be inwited to an American pool party. Did you know that-"

"If you finish that sentence with that pool parties were invented in Russia, I'm going to dump your clothes in that pool," Hikaru threatened, holding Pavel's clothes over the veranda, dangling over the pool. Pavel just laughed and climbed out of the pool. Joanna quickly scrambled to get a seat in between her father and Nyota, not quite knowing what to make of two of the 'geniuses' of the Enterprise.

"I am not saying it, and yet you are thinking it. This is good, Hikaru," he said. Hikaru seemed to contemplate throwing in the clothes at that point, but in the end he just draped them over a chair and sat down, smiling at them.

"Forgive Pasha's manners. Thanks for inviting us over. I brought some alcohol for later, stored it in the kitchen if that's alright, Nyota?" Hikaru said, smiling at his hosts. Nyota smiled and nodded. Her father was rubbing at his face, tiredly. Spock was just watching Pavel like a hawk, seemingly worried the other was about to do something else stupid.

"Kto eto?" Pavel said, sitting down and looking at Hikaru. The other looked around and then only just seemed to clock Joanna. He rolled his eyes.

"Eh? McCoy no musume darou ne? Joanna desu yo," Hikaru replied and Joanna just looked at her father, wondering if it was normal to not understand a word of conversation. Nyota put a hand on her shoulder.

"Sulu and Pasha have been learning each other's languages for the last five years. They sometimes forget that not everyone speaks Russian or Japanese," she said, giving them a pointed look. Sulu grinned and leaned back, putting his hands behind his head.

"Now you know how it feels when you and Spock croon at each other in Vulcan on the bridge," he said. Pasha sat down, goosebumps appearing on his flesh and the skin around his neck turning pink against what must have been rather cold water. He seemed to not care about the damp though.

"We do not 'croon'," Spock replied as he poured them each glasses of lemonade. Pasha cackled and reached for his own drink.

"So yeah, were we right? It's Joanna right?" Hikaru asked, gesturing to her. Joanna could see a thousand mannerisms in the man, some Japanese, some American and some that inexplicably reminded her of Jim in a way. She nodded once.

"Ni za chto! It is not being possible for Doctor McCoy to be haffing such a beautiful daughter," Pavel said and Joanna blushed. Her father folded his arms.

"Admittedly, she gets her looks from her mother but I don't like your tone, Chekov," her father said. Pavel just waved a hand in her father's direction.

"Should I be jealous, Pasha?" Hikaru asked. "You never said that when you met my mother."

"Your mother is being a wery beautiful woman, Hikaru. I am not insulting Doctor McCoy when I say that I am glad his daughter does not look like a man," he said, shrugging. Joanna laughed. They were not what she had expected at all. She had expected serious, military men, but the two were amusing and seemed fun to be around. She wondered how her father managed to keep his grumpiness up if he was around these two all the time.

"She does take after her mother quite a lot," her father admitted and Joanna shook her head.

"Mom says I look like dad," she said, shrugging. Her father's eyebrows rose, as though he hadn't expected that. Joanna shrugged and helped herself to a glass of lemonade.

Conversation passed around them. Hikaru told them about taking Pavel back to his parent's house in San Francisco yesterday and how their parents had assumed they were a couple. Joanna had been surprised to find that they weren't, just very, very good friends. Pavel told them a story about his mother's reaction to his return and how she'd got both him and Hikaru very drunk on Russian Standard vodka.

Her father remained mostly silent, listening and only interjecting occasionally when he had something dry or witty to say. Spock also remained mostly silent, his interruptions were usually just to ask for clarification if things were getting too human.

They had been chatting idly for half an hour when the door to the kitchen opened again and Jim stepped out. He looked better than he had the night before. He had a crate of beer in his hand and he grinned when he saw them, putting the beer on the table.

Pavel and Hikaru immediately abandoned their lemonade to help themselves, tearing open the cardboard, their greetings more along the line of 'Yay the Captain brought beer' rather than 'Jim we're so happy to see you'. Joanna saw her father shift in his chair and noticed that he wasn't looking at Jim when he said hello, reaching for a beer after the initial scramble had died down and popping it open.

"Afternoon. I thought you'd all be in the pool by now," he said, taking a seat next to her father and grabbing a can for himself. Nyota seemed to be debating whether or not to abandon the lemonade herself.

"Pasha's already had a brief dip," Hikaru said, gesturing to the damp footprints on the veranda. Jim nodded and gulped his beer.

"Well, I haven't been in a real pool in years so I hope you don't mind if I strip off and jump right in, Spock?" Jim asked, standing up. Joanna averted her eyes as Jim stripped off. Only after a few moments did she glance at her father to see that he was doing the same. She wondered if her father was doing it consciously or he wasn't interested.

A few minutes later, Pavel and Jim were in the pool, splashing each other and racing from one end to the other. Joanna thought it looked fun, but wasn't sure how to go about joining them. She hadn't got that kind of easy camaraderie that they had.

"I'm going to dip my feet in, I think. Want to join me, Joanna?" Nyota asked. Joanna's face lit up and she nodded, getting to her feet and following Nyota to the edge of the pool. At first they just sat at the side of the pool, talking about the garden, about Ambassador Sarek and the new plans for a Starfleet Academy in Europe. Joanna forgot her self-consciousness.

"Joanna! Joanna catch!"

Joanna looked up and saw Sulu standing on the veranda, a blown up beach ball in his hands. He threw it and though she reached up to catch it the wind still carried it into the pool. Jim dived for it, grabbing it and throwing it to Pasha. Moments later the ball came back towards her and Nyota.

Thus they started playing a game of catch with rules that became so complicated that Joanna was terrified to drop it just in case something terrible happened. She was pretty sure that dares were involved and she wasn't even sure if she was allowed to do some of the example dares that Jim suggested.

After half an hour of that, Joanna crawled out of the pool, her skin chilled, and made her way to the grass, laying out a towel. She lay out on the grass, slathering herself in sun cream before getting out her PADD. She could hear her father's conversation with Spock and Hikaru, something about politics. Fifteen minutes later, Nyota joined them and soon after that, teeth chattering, Jim and Pavel also. Joanna continued to read her PADD, although she could hear everything they were saying.

"I don't know how you can stand to drink beer after what Carol was telling me you drank the other night," Nyota said, her voice sounding amused. Joanna was glad that her PADD obscured her face so that they couldn't see she was listening in.

"It was a necessary thing," Jim replied and Joanna saw his shoulders shrug out of the corner of her eye.

"It was stupid, that's what it was. If Carol Marcus would even speak to me civilly, I'd be pestering her for every detail under the sun and using them to put you on bed rest for alcohol poisoning," her father grouched. There was a pause.

"Carol isn't talking to you?" Jim asked, his voice casual. There was a cough from Hikaru that might have been a disguised laugh.

"When you pick 'em, Jim, you pick 'em well. That woman really doesn't like me. When we were on the Enterprise she even had her physician switched over to M'benga so she didn't have to deal with me. I thought you knew," her father answered. Hikaru's 'coughing fit' seemed to get worse and Joanna heard a few slaps that was clearly someone trying to 'help' him with it.

"Weird. She never said anything bad about you to me," Jim replied and there was silence for a moment. The gardener appeared, an elderly man. Joanna watched as he turned on the hosepipe, stretching it along the garden.

"What brought on the drinking anyway?" Nyota pressed. Joanna wondered if it was really the time or the place for her to be asking such a question. Jim however just sighed.

"I got the list," he said. There was silence for a moment while everyone processed what he meant. Joanna didn't have a clue.

"You mean our assignments?" Hikaru finally asked. Jim must have nodded because there was no verbal response.

"Shit Jim. I meant to tell ya, honestly I did-" And that was her father. Joanna risked a glance to see that her father looked guilty, was looking at Jim with a kind of horror-filled glance. Jim shrugged.

"I'm not meant to tell you anything until it is all announced officially at the ball tonight, but I trust you to act surprised enough to fool the Admiralty," Jim said, his voice sounding hollow.

"Sulu and Chekov, you're going to be on the Potemkin together. Nyota, you're on the Enterprise with Scotty. Watch yourself, he has a crush on you. Spock, you and I are in no man's land still while they decide whether or not to give us back the Enterprise," Jim said. There was a sharp intake of breath.

"What do you mean, they're taking away the Enterprise?" her father asked, his voice sharp.

"Commodore rank means that I am given more than one ship to look after. I don't know if they'll let me keep a ship like the Enterprise if I'm going to be responsible for a whole host of others. It's more likely I'll get a desk role and a smaller ship for short term missions," Jim replied. There was silence for a moment.

"Congratulations, Commodore. Spock, is there any champagne in this desert dweller's mudhut? We should toast to Jim's promotion," her father said. Joanna winced because it just wasn't right. She could tell, could hear the dejected nature of Jim's voice. And yet her father was either ignoring it or didn't understand it.

"My father keeps some chilled for guests when it is required. He would not mind us depleting his supply in this case however," Spock replied. Her father got to his feet and went into the kitchen.

Joanna watched him go and then got to his feet. She approached the table feeling like she was intruding, but even so when she saw Jim's face she knew that she had to say something. She put her hand on his shoulder.

He looked up at her, seeming surprised to see her there. His eyes weren't the bright blue she remembered, not as vibrant, not as happy, they seemed darker, greyer and Joanna wondered if it was just the loss of his crew that was affecting him.

"My mom once invited a Lieutenant and his wife round for dinner. He was Earth-based, but had spent time in the black. Throughout dinner all he could talk about was space and afterwards I remember my mom saying that some people were just born to live and die out in space…" she trailed off, noting that understanding was dawning in Jim's eyes. "Dad doesn't get it. He'd rather live with his feet on the ground, but he's still genuinely happy that your career is doing well. I think he's trying to hide the fact he's upset though too."

She knew that the last sentence was meddling. She couldn't prove that sentence, couldn't give one part of her father's behaviour that pointed towards that conclusion, but somehow she just knew. Jim put his hand against hers.

"Yeah well, I'm all for running away from your problems if you can," Jim replied. He lowered his other hand under the table. "I'm just going to miss you guys."

"Keptin, we will wisit ewery shore leave!" Pavel promised, crunching a beer can in front of him. Jim nodded, smiling.

"Of course you will. Now, this conversation has got serious and I have other plans-" he drew his hand up from under the table and Joanna had no idea how he'd got a water pistol, never mind filled it. He'd managed to squirt Pavel and Nyota in the face before Joanna realised that she was going to need to run before he got her.

Unfortunately running was the stupid option. Jim's attention seemed to focus purely on her at that moment. She dashed down the garden, finally reaching the hose pipe that had been discarded earlier. She grabbed it, opening the nozzle. Jim ran straight into the jet of water, spluttering and laughing as he did so.

At that moment her father returned from the kitchen with a bottle of champagne.

"Oh c'mon kids, get over here so we can uncork this thing," he called. Jim shared a look with her and they both moved forward together, a plan forming. Her father seemed to gather what the plan pretty quickly.

"Don't you dare. Either of you. I came here under the assumption that I would not have to get wet and I-"

A jet of water from Jim's pistol hit him square in the chest. For a moment, Joanna wondered if he was going to explode in anger, but then her father coolly held out his hand.

"Joanna, water pipe. Now," he said. She dumbly handed it over. Jim was backing away.

"Now Bones… Don't do anything you're going to regret…" he said. Her father just smiled, a smile that clearly said 'you should have thought of that earlier' and started to advance.

Moments later Pavel and Hikaru were cheering on her father as he chased Jim around the garden, soaking the Captain with the cold water and getting pretty wet himself in the process. Half way through the fight, her father pulled off his shirt, letting it drop, sodden, to the floor.

"It is like watching a mating ritual for the subspecies McCoy," Pavel said lowly, obviously only meaning for Hikaru to hear him. Joanna glanced at them and Pavel saw her looking. He smiled a little uncertainly and kept his mouth shut after that.

"Jim! No! Don't you-"

Joanna's attention back on the water fight, she saw that Jim had picked up her father, slung him over his shoulder. It was a ridiculous sight. She watched as Jim tapped her father on the back of the legs in a reassuring manner, before launching him into the pool. Her father came up, spluttering, his flip flops rising to the surface a few seconds after him.

"You are fucking dead James Tiberius Kirk."

"Run Keptin! Rabotat!"

The champagne was eventually poured and they all sat on the veranda with varying degrees of sogginess. Once the bubbles in each glass had died down, Nyota handed one to each of them, even Spock to Joanna's bemusement.

"I actually have something to say, before we drink a toast," Nyota said and she looked a little embarrassed. Immediately everyone's attention was on her and Joanna saw her father's eyebrow creeping up to his hairline.

"Is this the announcement I think it is?" Jim asked, only to be shushed by Pavel. He grinned.

"We invited you here today to tell you that, yes, Spock and I got engaged this morning," she said. Jim let out a woop and started to laugh. Pavel held out his hand and Hikaru reached into his pocket, handing over credit chips. Her father just smiled indulgently.

"We're going to get bonded in a Vulcan ceremony within the month, but the Terran wedding will probably have to wait until we know more about our missions. I just wanted you guys to know," she said and her face was lit up with happiness. Spock beside her seemed to be turning a little greener, which Joanna guessed was a flush of happiness.

"I am aware that there is a Terran tradition of having a 'best man' at the wedding. I would be honoured if you would participate in this role, Captain, Doctor McCoy," Spock said. Jim was on his feet, moving around the table to clap Spock on the back.

"I'm going to throw you the most debauched bachelor party," Jim promised, pulling the Vulcan into a hug. Her father huffed.

"I'll prevent it from getting too much, Spock, don't worry," he promised. "Congratulations to you both though."

Jim snagged one of the champagne flutes, holding it high.

"To Spock and Uhura! May they have many green-tinted babies together!" he said. The toast was echoed around the table and Joanna couldn't help but notice how happy Nyota looked, her hand resting on Spock's knee.

* * *

Joanna fussed with her clothes. She'd commed her mother and got no response, so she was going to wear the goddamn dress. There had been no response from Starfleet to confirm that they'd received her application so she had to assume that she wouldn't hear anything unless she was accepted.

She slipped earrings into her ears, looking at herself in the mirror. She looked… older. Like she had tricked even her own eyes into seeing a woman. Her shoes made her taller, made her look slimmer, and her make-up hid some of the teenage imperfections.

She stepped out of her room to see her father was in the lounge, his dress uniform jacket hanging over the edge of one of the chairs. He was fiddling with his cufflinks as he paced. When Joanna stepped out he looked up and smiled at her.

"You look beautiful. I'm going to assume we're just hoping none of this gets back to your mother, right?" he asked. Joanna smiled and stepped forward, taking her father's hand and helping him get the cufflinks through the button holes.

"I won't tell if you don't," she said, before taking the other hand. He let out a low chuckle, waiting for her to finish before he dropped his hand.

"Spin for me then," he said. Joanna smiled and took a step back, twirling in the dress a few times before turning back to face him, beaming. He stepped forward, hugging her tightly.

"You look lovely, sweetheart. I feel very proud of you," he said, kissing her temple. Joanna could feel tears burning behind her eyes, guilt starting to bubble unpleasantly in her stomach when she cast her mind back to that morning.

"I'm proud to be your daughter," she replied softly. Her father made a noise that Joanna wasn't sure the meaning of. She pulled back, looking up into his eyes, eyes that she'd inherited, and was about to ask what was wrong when the doorbell went.

"That's gonna be either your date or mine," her father said, smiling and stepping around her. Joanna looked curiously at him. He hadn't mentioned going with anyone.

The door opened to reveal not only Jim, as expected, but also a striking blonde woman in a beautiful periwinkle blue dress. She greeted her father with a kiss to his cheek and then swept into the place. Jim clapped her father on the arm and stepped in also.

It was strange to see Jim in his uniform again. There were plenty of medals hanging from the breast of his jacket too. Joanna had known he was a captain, had read his exploits, had known so much, but to see it presented this way… She couldn't help but feel a bit of colour rise to her cheeks.

"Miss McCoy, you look wonderful," Jim said, grinning at her and taking her hand to kiss her knuckles. Joanna giggled helplessly.

"Watch it," her father said gruffly as he grabbed his jacket and started to button it up.

"You could learn a thing or two from him, Leonard," the woman said. "It's far better than the calls I get. 'Christine, you're my last resort. Please come with me or I'll be a sad and lonely old man at a ball'."

Jim offered Joanna his arm and Joanna took it, feeling strangely spaced out. He guessed that this was Christine Chapel. Her father had mentioned her a few times in passing and she knew that the two of them were friends, although she'd never really known if they were close or not.

"Hey, the two divorcees have gotta stick together. Shit, think I buttoned this up wrong," her father started to unbutton all the buttons on his jacket. Christine clucked her tongue and reached forward, doing up the buttons for him.

"Really Leonard. I worry about you. What are you going to do when you're here on Earth and the rest of us are up in the black, hm? I'm sure Joanna doesn't want to be buttoning your uniform for you every morning," Christine scolded light-heartedly. Joanna smiled. She liked Christine, though she was still unsure about her relation to her father. It seemed almost sisterly though, the way she straightened out his jacket. Beside her, Jim seemed relaxed as he watched the two of them.

"Yeah yeah. I'll manage I'm sure," her father replied. Joanna felt light-headed and airy. Jim's hand settled over hers on his arm.

"Well then… Shall we?"

* * *

The ball was underway already when they arrived and Joanna thought to herself that Jim had planned that. Their entrance prompted the people there to break out into applause and she found herself blushing, suddenly shy of all the attention.

People flocked forward, all clamouring for Jim's attention, but Jim politely declined most of the offers to join groups of people, instead steering them straight towards the table of drinks.

"I'm under strict orders not to get you drunk and to get you in by your curfew, so it's going to be orange juice for you," he said, his smile bright. Joanna nodded and accepted the drink when it was given to her. She was surprised to find it bubbly and tasting slightly sour.

"It's orange juice, alright?" Jim pressed, his eyebrows raised. Joanna smiled at him and nodded.

"Just orange juice," she agreed. A few people came over to congratulate Jim on his promotion. Jim accepted the congratulations without so much as a twitch to show that he wasn't pleased. Joanna finished the drink while he made small talk with people she didn't know.

"Fancy dancing?" Jim asked suddenly. She blinked.

"I… Well, damn it, it's my first ball. Yes, alright," she said, putting down her empty glass. Jim excused himself and took her onto the floor. She could see Hikaru and Pavel, as well as another man she didn't know, stood to one side drinking. When they saw her, Hikaru winked and grinned. Joanna felt her cheeks heat.

Jim swept her around the dance floor effortlessly. She didn't know how he could be so confident with so many people watching them. She tried to follow his lead as best she could. Jim seemed to cover her stumbles, spinning her under his arm. Eventually she was flushed, grinning stupidly.

"Mind if I cut in?"

Joanna blinked and saw her father there, smiling somewhat indulgently. Jim graciously backed away.

"Yeah sure, Bones. I'm going to get myself another drink anyway," he said. Her father watched Jim walk away and took her hand. He was less skilled than Jim but the pace was slower and Joanna rested her shoulder against her father's chest.

It felt like a weight had been lifted from her heart.

* * *

Jim saw Carol at the bar and debated going over. She had a baby on her hip and was talking to one of the instructors from Starfleet quietly. He decided that she might just decide to ignore him. He went to the bar and ordered some brandy, trying not to look left or right.

"Jim," she said and Jim had no choice but to look at her. She looked beautiful, she always did. Sometimes Jim had found it too cold though, icy and untouchable. Now however, something in her had softened. He wondered if he'd have noticed it more if he hadn't been so drunk earlier that week.

"Carol. You look lovely," he said, leaning in to kiss her cheek. She smelled different to what he remembered. Less of perfume, more of baby powder. He turned to the boy on her hip. He looked to be about eighteen months old.

"Who's this little fella?" he asked, reaching down to grab the little guy's hand to shake it. The toddler grabbed his finger and babbled at him.

"George," she replied hesitantly. Jim didn't look away from the little hand around his finger for a long moment. Then his gaze went up, over to the boy's face. Blond hair and blue eyes could have been a Marcus trait. But the look on Carol's face told him that it wasn't.

"I didn't mean for it to come out like this, Jim. Honestly," she said. Jim felt like the floor had come from underneath him. He stared at the little… creature.

"You're telling me that I'm a father?" he asked, emotions fighting for dominance within him. Awe, sadness, anger, surprise, horror. They warred within him and he forced to keep his expression neutral.

"Those years ago. I knew. I just knew that there was no way you were going to settle down with me. Then I worked it out about McCoy and… I was already pregnant," she said, sounding slightly hysterical. "I transferred to M'benga's care and when I started to show, transferred off the ship. I didn't want to hide it from you but you… you weren't in any position to be a father."

Jim felt anger at that statement and tried to hold it back. "You weren't the one who had the right to make that call," he said, remembering his brandy and sipping it.

"No? You still aren't ready, Jim. You're still drinking yourself into a stupor over..." she trailed off and Jim didn't need her to finish the point she was making.

"Well, that's over now. I've drawn a line under it," Jim said, feeling a weight settle in his stomach. He looked at the toddler. At… George. God, she'd even named him after his father. He reached out, his fingertips running over the boy's soft hair.

"Do you want to hold him?" she asked. Jim immediately drew his hand back. He had no idea what he wanted. She didn't wait for him to respond though, holding him out. Jim was left with an armful of child, his hands settling on the boy as best he could.

George babbled nonsense words at him, occasionally interspersed with real words of the things he was seeing around him. He became very attached to one of Jim's medals and started trying to put it into his mouth.

"I should have told you. I'm sorry you missed out on a lot. I… I wasn't ever going to tell you but seeing McCoy and his daughter… Knowing how much it weighed on him just not being there…" she threw her hands up, clearly not sure where she was going with her speech. Jim felt the reassuring warmth of… his son against his side.

"If you're going to be Commodore, then you're going to be around a lot more. If you ever want him… I'm not going to contest custody," Carol said, her hand reaching out to stroke George's cheek.

"What's his full name?" Jim asked, returning his gaze to George so that he didn't have to look at Carol, his emotions too unstable to risk it.

"George David Marcus. I didn't think you'd want to… to burden him with a name like Kirk," she said softly. Jim nodded stiffly. She was right. If given the choice, he would have preferred that his son didn't have his name. George began to cry and Carol swept forward, taking him into her arms.

"If there's time, tomorrow. I'll come round and…. And explain everything. Now isn't really the time. I didn't expect you to arrive until after I'd left and…" Carol hugged George to her. His crying was drawing people's attention and Jim felt raw.

"Just don't take my son where I can't see him," he said softly. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the top of George's head. Carol's eyes filled with gratitude.

"You're a good man, James Kirk. It's a shame that things would never have worked out between us," she said softly. Jim nodded once, curtly, and watched as she walked away towards the exit, shushing George as she went.

* * *

Joanna stepped out onto the balcony. Her father had abandoned her to go to talk to someone from the Medical Department and she hadn't been able to find anyone else she knew. The stars were obscured, light pollution from the city preventing them from being seen. She still looked up at the sky, wondering how long it would be before she got there.

She was surprised to hear the door opening behind her and turned to see Jim. He looked… distraught. She couldn't think of another way to put it. He saw her and for a moment he froze, before he just sagged and closed the distance between them, leaning over the balcony.

For a moment they stood there in silence, Joanna not sure how to ask what was the matter when everything had been fine less than half an hour before and Jim lost in his own thoughts.

"What makes someone a good father?"

Joanna had no idea how to answer that question. She thought about her own, about Clay, about her friend's. It was too difficult to put into words.

"I don't know… I guess everyone just tries their best for their kids in the way that they can," she replied. "Dad wasn't there for me often, but he's thoughtful, you know? He remembers things I tell him, he doesn't treat a single moment with me like it doesn't matter. That makes time with him special." Jim made a small humming noise.

"And Clay… Clay taught me to ride, taught me how to shoot pretty good too. Pushed me into sciences when mother wanted me to focus on arts subjects. Made me aware that there were so many things that we didn't know yet and that I could be one of the people who could pursue that," Joanna shrugged. "Both of them were good fathers in a way, but they weren't the same."

Jim was silent still. He looked up at the sky for a long time. His eyes were clouded over and Joanna wondered if he was thinking of his own father. She guessed it must have been tough, sharing your father's death day with your own date of birth.

"Carol just told me we have a son. His name is George," Jim said finally. Joanna felt shock go through her. She turned to Jim, not knowing what to say. Jim turned to her, smiling grimly.

"Don't worry. I'm not expecting you to be able to fix this. I thought…. I don't know. I thought that it'd be easy, somehow, to just let go of everything and move on. And I mean, isn't a son a good enough reason to?" he asked. Joanna felt like she was only getting half of the conversation.

"Are you going to marry her?" she asked. Jim stared at her before he started to laugh.

"This isn't the nineteenth century. I'm pretty sure Carol isn't worried one bit about being a single-parent family," he said once his hollow laughter had died down. "But no. Me and Carol are over, if we ever really started that is. George is just a by-product of something that would have never worked. One that we're going to have to work out what to do with between us now I guess."

Joanna nodded but her own mind was racing. So Jim and Carol weren't together, but they clearly had been at some point. And they had a child, one that Jim was just discovering… But why was Jim talking about 'moving on'? Did he mean the Enterprise? Was he going to abandon space to look after a child he had found out about only a few minutes before?

"What are you going to do?" she asked and she felt too young for this conversation all of a sudden. Jim was twice her age. He didn't need her advice. She didn't have any advice that could help him anyway. But he was talking to her and she couldn't have turned away if she'd tried.

"I don't know," Jim said and his voice sounded broken. "I thought I had it all figured out. Forget everything, get back into space through any means possible and throw myself at every badass mission I could get my hands on until I eventually died up there. Now… I don't know. It's selfish to do that, don't you think?"

Joanna nodded. "You can't die. It'd destroy my father." She didn't know what made her say it. Jim's eyes flicked to her before skittering away again.

"He'd get over it, I'm sure," he said. Joanna shook her head, taking Jim's hand.

"No really. I don't think he would. I don't… I don't get it entirely. It's like you and dad have this… this thing," she wished she could find the words. Jim's hand was sweaty in hers. "But whatever it is… if you died he'd be devastated."

Jim was looking at her with wide blue eyes. He opened his mouth and for a second nothing came out. He licked his lips and tried again.

"Can I tell you something I haven't told anyone else?" he asked. Joanna nodded. Jim's expression seemed to open up, vulnerability and melancholy and… oh Jesus. So much love. So much love shining in his eyes that Joanna could barely breathe when she looked into them.

"I'm so in love with your dad that I don't know how to cope without him being by my side in space. I don't think I can," Jim admitted, his hands tightening on Joanna's own. She took a deep breath, staring up at Jim and not knowing what else to do, she leaned forward and kissed him, gently, on the lips.

"I'd be honoured for you to join my family, Uncle Jim."

* * *

Leonard frowned when he looked around the hall and couldn't see either Jim or Joanna. He'd seen Carol Marcus leave after talking with Jim briefly and Spock and Nyota were too busy eating up congratulations from people to be bothered by two of their party being missing. Nyota had a rather fancy rock on her finger tonight and she was more than happy to shove it into people's faces.

Chekov, Sulu and Scotty hadn't seen Jim or Joanna either and that left Bones a few places to check. He was starting to worry. Had Joanna been taken ill and Jim, unable to find him, had taken her home? Worse, had Jim done something unthinkable and taken his little girl somewhere 'more private'?

His comm buzzed in his pocket. He dug it out absently, flipping it open without checking the caller ID.

"Leonard, it's Jocelyn."

He could hear anger radiating at him through the phone and all he could think was 'what now?'. He held back the sarcastic comment however. His eyes were still scanning the room.

"What's up, Joss? Because I'm kind of busy right now," he said, feeling irritable.

"I want to know why the fuck you signed our daughter up to Starfleet," she said and Leonard stopped dead. He frowned.

"What are you talking about? I didn't sign Joanna up to anything," he replied, feeling genuinely confused. Jocelyn sighed on the other end of the line.

"I just got a comm from recruitment confirming that they'd received her application. It's got your goddamn signature on it!" she snapped. Leonard shook his head, trying to think of any time he'd signed anything for Joanna. He hadn't. Even if he had he would have read it first.

"I assure you, I didn't sign anything," he said, now feeling anger resurface in him. He hadn't signed it, Jocelyn hadn't known anything about it, so it was clear that it had been Joanna's own doing. She'd not even spoken to him about it, just applied, and used his signature to boot?

"I want to speak to Joanna," Jocelyn said firmly.

"You and me both. Look, Joss, I'm looking for her now. Believe me, she's in so much trouble. I'm going to roast her alive," he said. He saw the balcony door was ajar and had a lightbulb moment, knowing that there was one place where teenage girls would always gravitate during a ball.

"I'm coming over the San Francisco. I'll be at your apartment within two hours and I'm taking Joanna with me," Jocelyn said and her voice left no room for argument. Leonard swallowed the feelings of resentment, unfairness, and gritted his teeth. He'd fucked up. Joanna had done this on his watch. If that meant that Jocelyn cut this visit short, well, that was only fair.

"I'll see you there then. Don't worry, she'll have her stuff packed and waiting," he said. He slammed the comm shut, pocketing it and walking to the door. He pushed it open.

Joanna and Jim were out there. Joanna was holding Jim's hands between them and Jim's expression. Jesus, he was really bringing out the big guns wasn't he? Leonard watched, dumbfounded as Joanna leaned forward, pressing a chaste kiss on Jim's lips.

"Joanna!" He wasn't aware that the angry voice was even his own until it echoed across the balcony. The two of them jumped apart guiltily and Leonard felt all the anger, the helplessness, the confusion of the last few weeks harden, shape into a scalpel ready to cut and tear.

"Come here right now," he said and his voice was cold. Jim had his hands up by his face almost as though Leonard were pointing a gun at him.

"It isn't what it looks like I fucking swear," Jim was saying. Joanna was wailing 'Dad!' but he wasn't having any of it.

"Your mother just phoned. Apparently your application to Starfleet was received," he said, turning to Joanna. She turned pale, hunching in on herself. "Get yourself out the front, right now. We're going home and then your mother is picking you up and taking you back to Georgia."

Joanna's face morphed into an expression of outrage and she opened her mouth to argue. Leonard held up a hand and looked at her. She didn't vocalise whatever teenage statement had been about to come from her mouth.

"Bones, please just listen-" Jim was saying, taking a step forward. Leonard let out a huff that might have been laughter.

"Don't call me 'Bones'. And don't come near my daughter ever again…. Commodore," he spat the last word, grabbing Joanna's wrist and dragging her off the balcony. He saw Nyota give him a curious look as he pulled Joanna out of the room. She only began to resist when they got to the taxi rank outside the building.

"Dad! Stop it! It wasn't what you thought!"

Leonard wasn't listening. He didn't care. He couldn't believe that Jim had done something like that. Couldn't make sense of the jealousy, the anger, the hurt. Not to mention his baby girl had abused his trust, signed up for something she knew that he would have prohibited.

"Get in the taxi and not another word or I swear to God, I will do something I regret," Leonard heard himself saying and he immediately wished he hadn't said it. He would never raise a hand to his little girl. It got the message across though. Joanna slid onto the backseat sullenly.

"Bo-McCoy!"

He heard Jim calling him. He could hear the sound of dress shoes on the steps outside. He didn't turn though, getting into the car and slamming the door.

Joanna was crying, her make-up smearing down her pretty face.

He ordered the taxi to take them home.


	11. Chapter 11: Running Away (JoannaLeonard

Chapter 11: Running Away (Joanna/Leonard)

* * *

Summary: The photo of Jim, her father and Gaila stood alone on the dresser. Joanna picked it up, staring at it for a moment before she put it away in the drawer. She doubted her father would miss it. He hadn't even been aware of it before.

* * *

Notes: Thank you all so much yesterday! There are only a few more chapters left of this fic before I wrap it up now. This one, one more and an epilogue I'm reckoning. I'll try to update again tomorrow :3

* * *

Joanna couldn't stop crying. She stuffed her things angrily into her bag. The dress she'd worn was discarded on the floor from where she'd thrown it as she got it off. Her hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail. Her make-up had been scrubbed off her face with soap.

Her father refused to talk to her. He had merely told her to go to her room. Every time she tried to explain he moved out of the room and into another. He had poured himself a glass of bourbon the moment he'd stepped into the apartment and Joanna wanted to take the bottle and smash it. She felt so angry.

Why wouldn't he listen? Why would he automatically think the worst? Yes, she had joined Starfleet and she'd done it behind his back, but it wasn't his right to be angry at her for it. Her father was part of Starfleet himself, he couldn't possibly be as against it as he was acting.

And to think that she and Jim had been… had been whatever it was her father thought. That was ridiculous! Joanna couldn't even believe he would think that, not only of her, but of Jim as well.

She looked around the room. It was stripped bare.

The photo of Jim, her father and Gaila stood alone on the dresser. Joanna picked it up, staring at it for a moment before she put it away in the drawer. She doubted her father would miss it. He hadn't even been aware of it before.

She dragged her suitcase out into the hall, pulling it into the lounge. Her father was sat on the couch, his head in his hands. He didn't look up when she entered the room. She left her suitcase by the door and went to sit on the couch.

"Dad," she started, wondering if he was going to listen. He put his hand up.

"Don't," he said firmly. Joanna clenched her fists.

"Dad you've got to listen to me-"

"I really don't have to listen to anything, Joanna," he interrupted her and still, he didn't look at her. It hurt. It hurt so much that he would act this way and Joanna felt the frustration and anger rise in her. She opened her mouth, ready to say the things she thought when the doorbell chimed.

Her father rose to his feet to answer it. Joanna felt the anger turn into a flash of nervousness when she thought about what her mother was about to say. The door opened and Jocelyn Treadway stormed in, barely even looking at her father before her gaze zeroed down on Joanna.

"Are your things ready?" she asked, her voice cold. Joanna scrambled to her feet.

"I'm not going back to Georgia. You said I had two weeks here with my dad. I'm not going anywhere until those two weeks are up. You can't make me," she said, folding her arms and staring her mother down. Her mother's eyebrows rose and she looked at her father.

"Do you want her here?" she asked. Joanna stared at her father, eyes wide and imploring. He looked at her, before his eyes slid away.

"I think it's best that she goes back with you," he conceded. Joanna felt her heart shatter into a million pieces.

"No! No that's not right! I was just getting to know you! I was just finding you again after all these years and you're just going to get rid of me?! Is it that easy to discard me?!" she demanded. She felt tears choking her, making her voice shake. Her father took a step backwards and she could see that her words had hurt him. Good. He deserved it. He deserved it for not fighting her case, for not being there, for putting her in this ridiculous situation in the first place.

"How dare you talk to your father that way-" her mother began but Joanna shook her head.

"And what? He talks to me how he wants! Won't even listen to me!" she replied, aware her voice had gone high-pitched in the stress. Her father scowled now.

"Joanna, you applied for Starfleet, forging my signature for it," he said, his eyes blazing. Joanna felt like stamping her feet.

"But this isn't about that! This is about Uncle Jim!" she replied. Her mother looked confused, turning to her father.

"Christ. Uncle Jim? This is so fucked up," her father said, putting his hand to his head. "I don't know what Jim told you, sweetheart, but that guy is bad news and I'm not letting any daughter of mine-"

"You're fucking blind!"

"Joanna!"

"No! No let me talk! I have something to say and it's something so goddamn important!" she said. Her mother's face was a mixture of shock and anger. Her father looked like he was about to die of shock at her language.

"You didn't walk in on me and Uncle Jim in some kind of romantic entanglement. I don't know why you'd think that because I'm pretty sure even some who was blind could see that Jim is completely and utterly in love with someone already!" she said. She swiped at her eyes, trying to seem less like a pathetic teenager and more like someone who had something to say.

"Leonard, what's going on?" her mother asked. Her father was scowling.

"When I went to find Joanna after your comm, she was on the balcony with Captain Kirk. Kissing," he said, his mouth tilting downwards. Her mother's eyes widened, turning to Joanna.

"Is this true?" she asked. Joanna shook her head.

"No. It wasn't like we were making out! I just… Argh! I can't say why. It was just a kiss, just one and not in that way!" she said, throwing up her hands. Her mother let out a disbelieving huff.

"You can't say why? Oh honey, if that man has told you not to tell us something, you know-"

"Oh my god! I can't talk to either of you right now," Joanna replied, rubbing at her face. "It's not like Jim was grooming me. He never made amove. He's never going to make a move. He just… He is going through a rough patch and I was a pair of ears in the right place at the right time."

"What did he tell you, Joanna?" her mother asked. Joanna shook her head.

"It's not my place to say anything. Jim trusted me. I can't just tell you," she said, feeling cornered. Her mother and father shared a look with each other.

"Whatever it is, isn't it better to clear Jim's name than to keep it a secret?" her mother asked. Joanna felt torn. She didn't want her father to think that Jim was… oh god. Whatever he thought he was. The lowest kind of human, obviously. But then to tell her father, when Jim had looked at her like that. When Jim had said he'd never told anyone. Not Spock, not her father, not Carol…

"Dad has to leave the room. I'm not telling you if dad can hear," she said firmly. Her father spluttered.

"Absolutely not. Whatever you've got to say, you can say in front of both of us," he said, his face contorting. Her mother however was taking a step forward, taking her hand.

"If those are the conditions, then those are the conditions, Leonard. Go busy yourself in your room," she said. Her father's face was outraged.

"You seem to forget that we're not married, Joss, I don't have to do a damned thing-"

"Do you want what's best for Joanna? Because if you do, you're going to let her talk to me now and you're going to go hide yourself away," her mother said. Her father stared at them both for a moment, the betrayal in his eyes almost glittering. Then his expression hardened and he stalked away. Joanna heard the door slam.

"Now let's sit down and calm down," her mother said, sitting on the couch and gesturing for Joanna to join her. Joanna sat down, wrapping her arms around her stomach.

"Now let's start with Starfleet. Why did you do it Joanna? It wasn't sensible," Jocelyn said. Joanna bit her lip.

"I… It's all tied together mom. All of it. Jim, dad's reaction, the Starfleet application… I don't even know where to begin," she admitted. Her mother put an arm around her shoulder.

"Why don't you start at the beginning then. Tell me the truth about everything that has been happening…"

* * *

Leonard felt frustrated. He could hear their voices, but the words were indistinct. He sat on his bed, banished like a teenager himself. His comm buzzed constantly. He opened it to see call after call from Jim, but also a few from Nyota and, surprisingly, Chekov. He switched it off, throwing it on the bed.

Eventually the sound of voices retreated and he heard footsteps in the hallway outside. Jocelyn opened the door without knocking, stepping into the room like she belonged in it. Leonard had long since come to terms with the fact that there was always going to be some residual emotions attached to Jocelyn, but he had never thought he'd be so rankled at the way she had waltzed into his home like she owned it herself.

"What did she tell you?" he asked. Jocelyn sat on the bed next to him, heaving a heavy sigh.

"That she joined Starfleet for you, basically," Jocelyn replied, running a hand through her hair. Leonard frowned, shaking his head.

"That's absurd. I'm stationed on Earth anyway. There's no need for that," he said, looking for a sign that Jocelyn was lying.

"Oh, she did it for herself a bit as well. Got a passion for that Xenobiology stuff, but her decision was based on… well. Her wanting to get you back out into the black," she explained. Leonard couldn't keep the scowl off his face.

"That makes no sense. I haven't showed any indication I wanted to go back up there," he said. Jocelyn smiled indulgently.

"No you didn't. But you know what, someone else did and Joanna's a teenager. She thought she could somehow fix the situation if she removed herself from the equation. You and I know it's not that simple," Jocelyn said, her smile becoming strained. She took Leonard's hand, her own cold and dry. It had been so long since they'd had any kind of contact that it startled Leonard how familiar it felt for her hand to be in his own.

"I'm sure Joanna has asked you this but… are you seeing anyone, Leonard?" Jocelyn asked, her eyes looking into his own. Leonard shook his head.

"Of course not. You'd have known. It would have been splashed all over the papers," he pointed out. Jocelyn laughed slightly and shook her head.

"I'll never get over the fact you're now a… a heartthrob. To me you're still just Len, who was too shy to ask a girl to dance," she said. Leonard felt thrown out of the conversation. What did any of this have to do with Joanna? Was Jocelyn flirting with him? He pulled his hand out of her lap.

"Get to the point, Joss," he said, starting to play with the ring on his little finger absently. She flipped her hair over her shoulder.

"You've got to promise me you're not going to react in a stupid manner if I tell you though. No going off the deep end. Joanna… Joanna is convinced this is true and, well, she's not likely to lie about something like this," Jocelyn hedged. Leonard let out a growl of frustration.

"If he's laid a finger on her-"

"James Kirk would never do anything like that to our daughter, Leonard," Jocelyn said firmly. "Because he's head over heels in love with you."

Leonard felt every gear in his head grind to a halt. He stared at her for a long moment before he let his lips quirk up into a smirk.

"You know, I swear you just said-"

"I did. I don't know the story behind it but Joanna says that Jim admitted it to her. That's why she kissed him. To give him her blessing. Now I don't know if you're surprised to hear this or if this is something you've known for a while, but whatever games you and Kirk are playing are affecting our daughter and it has to stop," Jocelyn said firmly. Leonard didn't know what to say.

In some ways, a weight was lifted from him, a sense of elation. But then the doubt, the worry, the suspicion came back. Joanna might not be telling the truth, or Jim might not have been. There was too much second hand. And Jim had never told him. It was too much of a fairytale. Not to mention the fact that they were about to be stationed on different planets most likely.

"I'll talk to Jim about it but I think Joanna has genuinely misunderstood this situation," he said. Jocelyn let out a huff.

"Leonard Horatio McCoy, if you're in love with that man you should bang him like shutters in a hurricane. Men like James Kirk don't come along often and when they do you should throw caution to the wind and go for it," she said. Leonard was truly uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation. He and Jocelyn hadn't had a civil conversation in years, nevermind encouraging each other to fuck other people.

"Joss, it ain't that simple," he protested. Jocelyn raised her eyebrows.

"Really? Are you attracted to him?" she asked. Leonard felt the words stick in his throat for a moment before he had to let his lips form an unwilling smirk.

"Have you seen Jim? Do I have to answer that question?" he asked. Jocelyn laughed and put her hand on his arm.

"Then I think you-"

The sound of the front door slamming interrupted her speech. Leonard was on his feet immediately, walking into the hall. He couldn't see anyone.

"Joanna?" he called.

No one responded.

Jocelyn came out of his bedroom and went straight to Joanna's room, then the bathroom. Leonard checked the kitchen and came up blank.

"Does she run away often?" Leonard asked when Jocelyn met him in the hall. He could feel panic bubbling in him. San Francisco was a good city, but it wasn't always a perfect one. A young girl, out by herself at night, without money or a place to stay.

"We live in the country, Leonard. If she needs space, she just goes. She probably doesn't see why it might be a problem here," Jocelyn replied, rubbing at her forehead. Leonard swore extensively.

"Let's search the building," he suggested.

Half an hour later they hadn't found her and there was no sign of her. She wasn't answering her comm and Jocelyn was pacing the lounge.

"She's sixteen. I can trust her not to do something too stupid, right?" Jocelyn was saying, more for her own peace of mind than anything. Leonard didn't know what the right answer was. He went to his bedroom and got his discarded comm.

[You have 47 missed calls.]

He looked through the list. 37 of those were Jim. 5 were Nyota, 3 were Pavel, 1 was Scotty and 1 was Sulu. He had to admire Jim's determination to get through to him, and the variety of comms he'd used to do so. He didn't even bother going through each one, instead just patching himself through to Jim's comm.

It barely even rang once.

"Bones, I-"

"Joanna's run away. Is she with you?" he cut the other off. Jim breathed in sharply.

"No. I'm at a bar anyway. I can… I can check at my place but she doesn't even know where it is," Jim pointed out. Leonard cursed. He could hear Jim's breathing on the other end of the line and knew the other was waiting for some kind of response.

"Help me look for her. And put out word for me. I'm going to search the neighbourhood," he said. He heard Jim finish whatever it was he was drinking, the clink of eyes against glass loud down the comm.

"I'll comm you if I find her," Jim promised and then hung up. Leonard returned to the lounge and told Jocelyn to wait in case she reappeared. He headed out into the street, starting to search everywhere he could think that they'd been, even some of the places that they hadn't.

A few hours later he returned to his apartment, feeling exhausted and worried sick. He didn't want to have to phone the police, not over something like this. He knew that they wouldn't do much anyway, with her hardly being a child. Jocelyn stood up from where she'd been sat listless on the couch and Leonard shook his head. She slumped back onto it.

Together they sat there. 3am rolled around. Jocelyn had fallen asleep, exhausted, against his shoulder. The door opened.

Jim walked in. He was panting, his dress uniform unbuttoned and in complete disarray. His eyes were wild and sweat dripped off the end of his nose. He used his sleeve to wipe his forehead and his eyes met Leonard's.

Jocelyn's words from earlier ran across Leonard's mind. That this man was meant to be in love with him by all accounts. Looking now, it was easy to see how someone who didn't know them might interpret it that way. Might see it as something like that, might see it as though…

"I found her," he said. Leonard was immediately on his feet. Jocelyn jolted awake, looking around her. She took in Jim and Leonard and then got to her feet.

"Where is she?" he asked, grabbing his comm and wallet from the table. Jim was desperately trying to get his breath. "Damnit Jim, did you run here?"

"No cabs… Over the limit for the bike…" he said, put his hand on his hips as he tried to breathe. "She went to Ambassador Sarek's to find Nyota. They only just got back from the ball. Found her sat on their front doorstep. They've put her to bed."

Leonard felt his shoulders sag. She was safe then. Jocelyn put her hand on Leonard's shoulder, squeezing it.

"I'm going to go lay down. I'll collect her in the morning and take her back home," she said, her voice raw from sleep. Leonard nodded stiffly. Jocelyn then fixed her gaze on Jim. She seemed to spend a few seconds looking him up and down before she patted Leonard on the shoulder.

"Like shutters in a hurricane," she murmured against his ear and Jim frowned at her in incomprehension. Leonard just watched her walk down the corridor, feeling his ears turn pink.


	12. Chapter 12: Like Shutters in a Hurricane

Chapter 12: Like Shutters in a Hurricane (Leonard/Jim)

* * *

Summary: "Jim, if there's anyone who can do this, it's you," he said softly. Jim looked up at him, blue eyes filled with confusion and pain and determination to do what was right and Leonard couldn't have held himself back even if he'd tried.

* * *

Notes: I think you can guess the contents of this chapter and I need not say anything else. One more chapter and an epilogue left.

* * *

"So… er, that's Jocelyn huh?" Jim asked. Damn, the woman was beautiful, even looking harried and tired. He hadn't missed the fact that the two of them were curled up together on the couch either. Or the way that Bones' ears had turned pink from her whispering in his ear. He pushed the surge of jealousy down. He had to make amends and being angry wouldn't help with that right now.

"Yeah. Right now we have an uneasy truce because of everything with Joanna. Not sure how long that'll last though," Bones replied, folding his arms. He was scowling again, but Jim didn't think he looked angry as such. He tentatively took a step forward.

"Bones, I-"

"Joanna explained," Bones cut him off. Jim immediately felt ice pour into his stomach. Joanna had done what now? He guessed it was better than Bones thinking he was grooming his daughter, although marginally. Bones didn't even seem angry about it.

"Just… what did she explain?" Jim pressed. For a moment McCoy just looked at him, eyebrow raised, before he shook his head.

"That it was all on her. She was seekin' to comfort you about something. She told Jocelyn all the details. Wouldn't speak to me. I know it wasn't you though," Bones said and Jim felt relief and disappointment crash through him. He didn't know if it would have been easier if Bones had already known, but at the same time he was glad that he wasn't going to have to have that conversation tonight.

"Trust me, if I'd have known it was coming, I would have backed the hell out of there," Jim said. Bones let out a gruff chuckle.

"Don't ever have kids, Jim. They make you old and stupid," he said. Jim wanted to smile and laugh, but his thoughts immediately turned to George in Carol's arms, the way those blue eyes had fixed on him and he'd seen himself reflected in someone else's face.

"You need a couch for the night?" Bones offered. Jim was jarred from his thoughts at that. He shook his head.

"Nah, I gotta get back to my place. Carol's coming over tomorrow first thing," he said, running a hand through his damp hair. Bones' expression seemed to tighten a little. He wondered if it would be worth just staying for a few hours and sneaking out first thing in the morning, but really, that would be ridiculous.

A new leaf, a new life, a son. He had to keep that forefront in his mind.

"Thanks for your help tonight in finding Joanna," Bones said. Jim shook his head.

"No it's fine… I mean… We're good now, right?" he asked, trying to muster up a grin. Bones looked at him carefully, as though assessing a particularly dangerous alien.

"We're good, Jim," he said and Jim let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. He walked to the door.

"Maybe we can meet tomorrow afternoon for beers? If you're free that is," he asked. Bones was still looking at him like he was about to do something stupid and he guessed that he was going to have to win back some of the trust he'd lost.

"Sure. I'll drop by," Bones said, opening the door and leaning against it.

"Uh… Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow then," Jim said, awkwardly clapping Bones on the arm as he passed. The door shut behind him and Jim managed to make it halfway down the corridor before he had to stop, leaning against the wall and staring up at the lights.

He contemplated going back there, forcing the door open, grabbing Bones by the hair and kissing him. Just working the Kirk magic that had left others breathless and gasping. But Bones deserved more than that, more than a quick bang before Jim left and besides, Jocelyn was in there and there were just lines that you didn't cross.

He pressed the button for the elevator, trying to ignore the sweat dripping down his back.

* * *

Leonard saw Jocelyn off in a taxi the next morning, not envying her the task of extracting Joanna. He was sure that whatever confrontation awaited her, it would be explosive. He didn't want any part of it. He had his own issues to deal with and Jocelyn seemed to realise it.

They parted civilly for the first time in years and Jocelyn tentatively offered for Leonard to come visit them in Georgia some time. He was never going to take her up on the offer, but he appreciated the sentiment there. He patted the hovercar and set it off in motion.

After that he pottered about a bit, cleaning the house and running through everything in his mind.

Jocelyn hadn't mentioned things between him and Jim that morning. She'd never been much of a morning person and had just quietly sipped her coffee, discussing how to get to the Ambassador's house before leaving. Still, it ran round and round in Leonard's mind, over and over again.

If Jim was interested in him, surely the other would have made it known before now. There was no way the other had managed to hold a secret like this from Leonard all these years… But it was possible, wasn't it? Their friendship had been the one constant in a world that constantly shifted and changed and throughout it all, it had been Leonard, Bones, who had been there.

He could almost imagine Jim's thought processes.

Did it change anything? That was a harder question to answer. If he went round to Jim's, if he confronted the other about it, if he pushed this, what was he going to get out of it? A few weeks, maybe a month, before Jim was back in space and he was on Earth. He was pretty certain that Jim wouldn't be able to hack celibacy for years on end, as much as Leonard liked to think he'd be able to change a playboy like that overnight. Jim was over thirty. He was about as likely to change as Leonard was.

It was like a plate of candy had been placed on the table and he'd been told he absolutely wasn't allowed to have any of it.

He sighed and glanced at the clock. It was afternoon… Just. He could head over and perhaps just… try to talk to Jim about it. In a roundabout way.

He was at Jim's apartment sooner than he anticipated and he stood on the doorstep, feeling foolish. His watch read 12:47, which was afternoon, admittedly, but hardly 'drinking time'. He rang the intercom, adjusting his watch after he did so.

"Hello?" he heard Jim's voice come through. In the background there was some noise, sounded like a baby crying.

"Are ya goin' to let me in or do I have to stand on the doorstep like a stray?" he asked. He heard Jim's chuckle and the door buzzed to let him in. He climbed the stairs rather than taking the elevator, trying to gather his thoughts.

He felt nervous and his heart was racing in his chest. It was such a ridiculous thing. He hadn't felt this way in years, even with his encounters with various women. He got to Jim's apartment and knocked on the door, determined not to adjust his hair in case Jim caught him doing it.

Jim opened the door with a smile on his face. He looked better than he had done in days, eyes with a bit of their vibrancy back, bags under his eyes reduced despite the late night. He stepped aside so Leonard could enter.

There was a pair of women's shoes in the shoe rack and Leonard realised that he must have interrupted Jim and Carol's time together. He wondered if he should offer to come back, but Jim was already padding down the hall away from him.

"Is that Doctor McCoy?" he heard Carol call. He guessed he might as well venture in. He stepped into the lounge to find it uncharacteristically bathed in sunlight. Jim usually pulled the blinds and refused to let light into his little cave. It was also a lot cleaner than Leonard had ever seen it.

On the floor, Carol sat. She was dressed casually and between her legs was a toddler. Leonard couldn't help but smile. Kids that age were adorable. He remembered Joanna had been into everything. He was surprised when Jim took a place on the floor though and patted the carpet next to him.

"Nice to see you again, Carol. Didn't know you're popped one out," he said, sitting with his back against the sofa, drawing his legs up to sit Indian style. Carol raised an eyebrow and looked at Jim.

"Yeah about that Bones," Jim began. Leonard turned to Jim, wondering what the other was going to say.

"This little guy is George. Seems I made a baby when I wasn't looking," Jim said, shrugging. Leonard stared at him for a moment, processing the information.

"You know what. If the world wants to throw any more unbelievable information at me over the next week, I'll just believe it. No questions asked," he said, throwing his hand up. Carol was smiling and trying to wrangle George away from the fireplace and towards some toy blocks that she had clearly brought with her.

"So are you two seeing each other again?" he asked, gesturing between Jim and Carol. Carol actually laughed at that.

"Oh god no. George here is just getting to know his father and I'm getting as much free babysitting out of Kirk as I can before he goes back into space," Carol said. George was scooting across the carpet in their direction. When he got to Jim he held out his hands and Jim pulled him up onto his feet, steadying him so he could stamp at the ground.

"Speaking of which, I better be going. It takes at least two hours to prepare appropriately for a date and I'm going to make the most of the time I have," Carol said, getting to her feet and dusting herself off. Jim nodded to her, snagging under George's arms to balance him on his hip as he stood up himself. Leonard got to his feet as well, feeling awkward.

Carol looked between the two of them before she moved forward, kissing George's head and smoothing his blond hair. She went to the hall, pulling on her shoes. Leonard frowned.

"You're letting Jim babysit? Seriously?" he asked. Carol smiled.

"Oh, figure you've got plenty of knowledge on what to do with babies, McCoy. What's not on the instructions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out yourself being a doctor and all," she said, her eyes twinkling. It was odd, because they'd never been the kind to joke with each other, not since she'd dated Jim. But now she seemed more relaxed.

"I might remember some things," he replied. "But I'm not sure why you assumed I was going to agree to this arrangement. I was lured here with the promise of beer, not sour diapers." Carol chuckled and straightened, opening the door.

"Have fun boys," she said and closed the door. George made a small noise that Leonard knew was a 'where has my mommy gone?' whimper that would turn into a wail unless they acted fast. Jim was just staring at boy, looking poleaxed.

"Well, you perform best when dropped into the deep-end Kirk, let's see how you handle this one," Leonard said, smiling slightly when George drew breath and, sure enough, started shrieking.

* * *

Leonard didn't think Jim did too badly, all things considered. George was a rather pleasant toddler and responded well to almost everything that Jim tried with him. When it got to mid-afternoon though, the little tyke got cranky. Leonard waited as long as he could before offering his own suggestion that Jim should perhaps try to put him down for a nap.

Jim didn't have a cot, but Leonard figured that as long as they left the door open, Jim's bed would be good enough. He leaned against the door frame as Jim took the little guy into the bedroom, stroking his head and reading him a story until George's eyes closed, seemingly against his will. Jim remained there for a few minutes, just watching his son. Leonard could understand that sentiment.

Jim leaned down, pressing a kiss to George's temple. It did something strange to Leonard's heart to see Jim in this way. He'd have never thought he'd see the day that Jim Kirk became a father, apparently rather willingly.

Jim looked up and Leonard didn't know what expression he had on his face, but Jim beamed at him. He drew a blanket over his son and stood up carefully, creeping past Leonard out of the room. They brushed against each other at the door and Leonard couldn't help but reflexively swallow.

"Come on. If we leave the door open I reckon we can at least sit on the couch for an hour before he wakes up and wants to play blocks again," Jim said, his voice low. Leonard nodded, not trusting his voice as he followed Jim into his lounge. Jim plopped onto the couch, his head falling back against the back.

"So, Papa Kirk, huh? That must have thrown you for a loop," Leonard said, sitting beside Jim. The other smiled and shrugged.

"You know what. In the fucked up mess that is my life, I don't know if it even surprises me. Certainly put some things into perspective though," he replied. He shifted and suddenly Leonard found his lap full of Jim's feet. He raised an eyebrow but Jim just grinned at him.

"I never gave you enough credit. I don't know how you did it with Joanna. I mean, agreeing to all that crazy shit with me. No wonder you were terrified all the time," he said, wriggling on the couch to get comfortable. Leonard rested his hands awkwardly on Jim's ankles.

"It was a different situation," Leonard pointed out, though he couldn't deny that Jim was partially right. Being a father changed things. It didn't just change gears of your life, it put you in a strange town without satellite navigation and told you to find an obscure postcode. Adding the fact that the strange town sometimes was in space…

"Perhaps but I… I realised that I can't go through with everything I planned. Running off into space? What if I die? I don't want my kid to go through everything that I did," Jim said. Leonard absently stroked over the skin of Jim's ankles as he thought about it.

"So what, you're going to take a desk job?" he asked. Jim shrugged, staring at the ceiling.

"I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I will for a few years while I work out this being a father business. Set Spock free to join the Enterprise or Captain it or something," he said, shrugging. Leonard frowned because it seemed like Jim was running his mouth a little. If there was ever a man who was made for space, it was Jim Kirk and although it sounded like the other was all grown up and making adult decisions, Leonard wondered how long it'd be until Jim grew bored of life planetside.

"I think you're overwhelmed right now and not thinking straight," Leonard replied. Jim's eyes returned to him, looking slightly hurt.

"Don't treat me like a kid, Bones. Geez, it's almost like you want me up in space," he said and christ was Jim pouting. Leonard stared at the other for a long moment.

"If there was a man who was born to captain a starship, it was you. Having a kid, it changes things, but it doesn't change that," he said firmly. Jim met his eyes. He could almost see the war in the other's eyes. Did Jim not realise that he could read him?

"Bones, I can't just go out into space leaving a kid here on Earth. I thought you'd understand that," he said. Leonard looked at Jim, his own desires waging with the desire to do what was right. And for most people, what was right was to stay on Earth and look after their kid, but Leonard couldn't pretend that was the right answer for Jim.

"If there's anyone who can make a career in space work with a family on Earth, it's you kid," he said. Jim was staring at him like he'd grown another head. He shifted his feet off Leonard's lap, sitting up.

"I don't want to fuck this up," Jim said quietly. Leonard reached out and put his hand on Jim's shoulder, squeezing it slightly.

"Jim, if there's anyone who can do this, it's you," he said softly. Jim looked up at him, blue eyes filled with confusion and pain and determination to do what was right and Leonard couldn't have held himself back even if he'd tried.

He leaned forward, every single fibre of his being trying to pull himself back. The moment his lips brushed against Jim's though, it was like an elastic band snapping and he pressed forward, his hand reaching up to Jim's jaw to keep the other in place.

For a heartbeat Leonard wondered if Joanna had been wrong, if it had all be wrong, the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong person again. But then there was a surge of motion and Jim was there. His hands were reaching up to grip Leonard's shoulders, his lips pressing back firmly, his mouth opening and oh god was that his tongue?

Leonard felt everything narrow down to the feel of Jim's lips, wet and soft against his own. He was hyperaware of his own breathing, of his heart thumping in his chest, of the soft sigh that Jim made against his mouth. There was a rustle of clothes as Jim shifted a little on the couch, pressing closer and closer and…

Jim broke the kiss, resting their foreheads together. He felt Jim's fingertips against his neck, stroking the skin. His own hands moved down to Jim's waist, resting there possessively. He frowned. Jim was trembling, his breathing rapid and his heart racing.

"Jim… you're shaking," he said, not sure if he should be dashing to fetch his tricorder. Jim laughed, breathlessly, his fingers threading into Leonard's hair.

"Yeah… God… I… did that just happen?" he asked. Leonard pulled back so he could see the other's face. Jim looked a mixture of terrified and ecstatic. He reached up, brushing his thumb against Jim's lips.

"Yeah. Yeah it did. You want to talk about it?" he asked, figuring it would be best to at least ask.

"Oh hell no. We'll have time to talk about it later I'm sure," Jim said, laughing and leaning in again, his arms tightening around Leonard so that the other couldn't get away. Jim pushed him down against the couch, his lips finding Leonard's easily.

Kisses that were feather light soon became heavier, deeper and Leonard cursed when Jim moved them from his mouth down over his jaw to his neck. It felt better than he'd imagined it, so much better. He reached down to stroke over Jim's hair, wanting the other to come back so he could claim his mouth again. Jim didn't budge though, his mouth and tongue tracing patterns up to Leonard's ear, where he lightly bit down on it.

Leonard arched upwards. He felt his body responding to the kisses already. Like a teenager, he was pressing his hips up against Jim, trying to get friction. Jim chuckled, a low, husky sound that went straight to his cock.

"God, Bones. I thought you'd be some shy type I'd have to coax every reaction from…" Jim said and Leonard closed his eyes. It would stand to reason that Jim Kirk was a blabbermouth in bed as well as in every other aspect of his life. Every word made Leonard's stomach squirm.

"Hate to disappoint ya, Darlin', but I'm hardly a blushin' virgin," he replied. Jim laughed and ground his hips down against Leonard's. It took Leonard's breath away and he growled, gripping Jim's hair and pulling him into a fierce kiss that made his whole body ache.

He was about to divest Jim of his shirt when the sound of crying filled the apartment.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Jim said, freezing over him. Leonard couldn't help it, he began to laugh, patting Jim on the ass.

"You better go settle him again… Don't worry, I'll still be right here," he said. It was almost worth it to see the frustrated look on Jim's face.

* * *

Jim finally got George settled again. He felt strange, going into a child's bedroom with Bones' taste on his lips and his whole body ready for sex. He soon calmed however when he stepped into the room with his son. It was probably just as well. As much as he wanted to throw Bones down onto his couch and fuck him senseless, there was something wrong about it happening that way.

They did need to talk, Jim realised. Jim didn't know what had caused Bones to kiss him, what had made the other think that it was a good idea to suddenly come onto him, and he needed to know that. Was this a pity fuck? A goodbye fuck? Jim didn't want to go through with it without knowing all the details.

He stepped back into the lounge to see Bones had thrown his arms over the back of the couch, looking like he belonged there. Jim smiled and sat down beside him. He felt Bones's thumb trail down the back of his neck and his pulse raced. It would be so easy to give in right now, to take the other's body right here, right now, no questions, no complications, no words and Jim closed his eyes.

You've held back for over nine years, Kirk. Another five minutes or so won't kill you.

It felt like it might though. Jim swivelled his body, ending the contact and Jesus did Bones have to raise his eyebrow that way right at that moment?

"So maybe I do need to talk about it," he said. Bones laughed lightly but didn't look alarmed by the suggestion. He pulled his hand back, draping it between them where Jim could see it.

"Say what you've gotta say, kid," he drawled and Jim felt another shiver of desire go through him. Bones seemed to notice, his smile widening slightly.

"I just… Why'd you kiss me Bones? It's a bit of a leap from the way you seemed to want to scalp me last night," Jim said, wishing that he hadn't asked. Bones rolled his eyes.

"You want the short answer or the long one?" Bones asked and Jim swallowed, his eyes drifting to the other's lips as he spoke. When he didn't respond, Bones chuckled.

"Long one it is then," he said. "Truth of the matter is that I've been thinking about this for a long time… On and off. I didn't want to destroy the friendship between us and, to be frank, I didn't think you were grown up enough to have the kind of relationship I was after. I wasn't going to be a notch in a bedpost."

Jim nodded, not trusting his voice at that moment. He couldn't believe he was hearing what he was. Bones licked his lips before continuing and Jim's eyes traced the moisture along his bottom lip.

"Then my daughter is yelling at me that I'm a blind idiot and my ex-wife is telling me to climb it like a tree and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Just kind of went with it," Bones said, shrugging. Jim choked on his own breath.

"You're telling me that you decided to kiss me because Jocelyn told you to?" he asked, feeling like he'd entered the twilight zone. Bones laughed.

"I'd been thinkin' about it for a while but saw no need to. Especially as you seemed to have something goin' on with Carol and before that with nearly every young Ensign on the ship," he pointed out. Jim moved forward, kissing Bones on the mouth. It wasn't as heated as the kiss before, more testing, hesitant. Bones didn't complain though, even when Jim drew away.

"Your turn," Bones said, lips turned into a slight smirk. Jim felt heat rising to his face. Christ, this was worse than high school.

"I don't think I want to share," Jim said, holding up his hands. "I will say this though. This isn't a short term thing for me, Bones. I'm not… this isn't…" He didn't know how to put it. He thought he was old enough that blushing was beyond him, but apparently not. Luckily, although Bones did look amused, he didn't push it. He merely leaned forward, his hand snagging behind Jim's neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

"I'm glad to hear it," the other said when he pulled away. Jim didn't let him get far, pulling him close again and claiming his mouth again. He could feel his heart racing, his whole being wanting to crawl inside Bones' clothes. The intensity of the feeling was overwhelming and he had to fist his hands in Bones' shirt to stop them from shaking.

Jim could feel Bones' body surrendering under him, the muscles relaxing, becoming pliant as Jim pressed closer and closer. He slid a hand around Bones' waist, leaning into him until the other fell back against the couch once more. Jim didn't waste any time then, starting to unbutton Bones' shirt without breaking the kiss.

Once he'd got the buttons open, he couldn't resist moving his lips from Bones' own to the exposed skin. He had seen it so often, bared in their shared dormitory, bared in the showers after Bones had used the Jim, bared when the other was injured and being patched up, and yet never like this. He had permission to map it out, with lips and teeth and tongue.

Bones' breath hitched when Jim's teeth dragged over his collarbone and Jim paid extra attention to the spot until he felt Bones' hands move from resting on his ribs to digging under his shirt. He moved on then, feeling those skilled hands sliding against his lower back, his ribs, his stomach.

He traced his tongue over Bones' chest, exploring each plane of muscle as he drew himself down. He was at Bones' stomach almost too soon and he longed to move back up, to start at the top again, to make this last. He knew it was his own fucked up thinking, but he feared Bones would come to his senses soon and he wouldn't get another chance. There were no certainties and he wanted to commit every millimetre of skin to memory.

Bones' hand found his cheek, a gentle ghost of a touch and Jim's eyes flicked up to the other's face. Bones' eyes were dark, a sliver of hazel around dilated pupils. His mouth… God, had Jim kissed him so much? His lips were swollen and he had caught one between his teeth. Bones was flushed, his breathing slightly fast, his hair slightly mussed and Jim knew he was absolutely done for.

"Jim…" Bones said, his voice sounding husky and vulnerable and Jim was tearing at his own shirt before he even comprehended what he was doing. He leaned forward, pressing his lips against Bones' again, his own skin against the doctor's. He felt Bones' hands seemingly everywhere, leaving hot trails like a Georgia summer over his skin.

He reached between them, warring for a moment with the button of Bones' hands before he got it undone and his hand slipped inside. He could feel that Bones' boxers were a damp mess and felt a moment of pride surge through him. He'd done this. He'd managed to make Bones completely lose himself in this moment. He squeezed and heard Bones curse into his ear.

For a few moments the only sound was Bones' ragged breathing as Jim stroked him through his boxers, tracing contours and ridges through the fabric. When Bones finally let out a low moan, Jim slipped his hand inside, stroking firmly.

"Shit Jim… If you make me come in my pants like a teenager, I'm going to murder you…" Bones growled, but it didn't have the effect he'd hoped perhaps. Instead Jim smirked, lips brushing against Bones' neck, his grip tightening. Bones didn't pull away, leaned into it more than anything else.

He could feel each tremble in the other's body, could feel Bones coming undone beneath him. He breathed in Bones' panting breaths, drank in the quiet whimpers of his name, revelled in the way the other's grip on him tightened.

"Fuck, Jim-" Bones didn't finish his warning and Jim didn't care. He watched as Bones fell apart in front of him, the other's eyes sought his own and there for a precious moment he saw Bones teetering on the edge before those eyes closed tightly. He could feel the hot liquid on his hand but he didn't tear his eyes away from Bones' face, how the other's mouth fell open and he arched ever so slightly. Only when Bones sagged back did he reach for his own discarded shirt to clean up the mess.

Bones watched him, eyes half-lidded and he wondered what the other was thinking. He threw his shirt onto the floor and leaned over the other, kissing him chastely. Bones kissed back, just as softly, his breath still evening out.

"Think you can do another round, old man?" Jim asked against the other's lips, laughing a little when Bones nipped at his lip in retaliation for the jibe.

"We're going to need supplies to take this further," Bones reminded him. Jim hadn't thought he could feel more desire, but the thought of actually fucking… He needed to get completely naked and why hadn't he stripped Bones off completely already?

He didn't want to pull away, but he knew he was going to have to in order to get what they needed. He kissed Bones once more before drawing away.

"I'll be back," he said. Leaving the couch felt almost physically painful. When he saw Bones just lying there, pants undone and pushed down slightly, shirtless with the odd red mark down his chest where Jim had playfully bitten him… Bones raised an eyebrow and Jim smirked.

"Just admiring my handiwork," he said, shrugging a little. Bones rolled his eyes and started to grumble. It broke the mood enough that Jim could force himself away. He ransacked his bathroom cabinet, trying to find something that was in date in there. He finally found what he was looking for and returned.

Bones had stripped off his trousers and shifted a little on the couch so he was sat up. Jim could feel the awkwardness increase when he sat beside him and the other looked at the bottle of lubricant. Jim grinned.

"Is this the point where you admit to never having done this before?" he teased. Bones smiled.

"Get on with it, kid," he said. Jim laughed and stood up, shucking his trousers and boxers together. Bones kicked his own off and pulled Jim back down against the couch. Jim waited for a moment, while Bones' eyes devoured him. He waited, knowing that Bones had been patient enough for him earlier.

He was surprised though when Bones straddled his hips, his hands going behind Jim's head. He leaned down, kissing Jim forcefully for a moment. Jim took that as permission to go ahead and tried to uncap the lubricant with one hand, fumbling for a moment. He felt Bones laugh against his mouth.

"Need a hand?" he asked. Jim growled and managed to uncap it, drawing his hands up awkwardly to smear a healthy amount onto his hand. He reached around to circle Bones' opening. He felt the other press back and then his finger was slipping inside and Jim couldn't stop himself from gripping Bones' hair with his free hand, forcing their mouths together.

Bones didn't complain, didn't draw away. He pressed down on Jim's fingers, his cock hardening between their bodies as Jim stretched him, slowly and carefully. He was desperate himself, by this point, his heart beating so fast he wondered if it was possible to die from the need to be inside someone.

Bones finally let out a quiet curse in his downright dirty accent and Jim couldn't hold back. He removed his fingers, wiping his hand hurriedly on his shirt, and pulled Bones hips up.

There was a moment when Jim doubted himself, that maybe he should get more lubricant or make doubly sure that Bones was prepared enough, but then Bones' eyes met his own, glassy and so open and Jim didn't hesitate any longer.

He pressed up, feeling the pressure, the heat, the way Bones' body gripped his own and couldn't help put push down on Bones' hips. The other got the message and lowered himself down, so slowly that Jim couldn't breathe when Bones was finally resting against him.

They took time to find their rhythm, Bones laughing against his lips whenever they moved oddly against each other. Jim knew that his grip on the other's hips were probably going to leave bruises but it didn't seem like Bones cared. He could feel the tips of Bones' fingers digging into his own shoulders as his hips moved.

Bones' thighs trembled, his mouth formed soundless words, his head rolled downwards when the sensations became too much to keep up the kissing. Jim could feel his own self-control starting to slip from him, his hips starting to move on their own, more forceful, deeper, faster.

It wasn't like Bones was complaining about it though. He moaned and cursed and whispered Jim's name until it was almost like a prayer. Jim felt the other clutch him, dragging him closer and closer until his whole world was wrapped in Bones' arms.

He could feel his own release approaching quickly, his mouth latching onto Bones' shoulder as he tried to anchor himself. He dimly was aware of Bones tightening around him, of wetness on his stomach, but soon he was caught in his own climax, his body trembling and pressing against Bones as close as he could get.

He sagged against the sofa, feeling Bones as a deadweight in his arms. He reached his hand up, stroking through the other's hair absently as both of them tried to regain their breath. He pressed a kiss to the other's cheek and felt Bones draw away.

He looked completely and utterly fucked, his eyes over-bright, his cheeks flushed and Jim couldn't help but lean forward, kissing him hungrily. It was over too soon as Bones drew back, grimacing as he shifted off Jim's lap.

"I'm going to go clean up," he said, his fingers trailing along Jim's jaw before he disentangled himself.

Jim watched him go and let his head fall back against the back of the couch. A grin spread across his face.

He grabbed his boxers and dressed himself before going to check on George. Not even standing on a building block on the way to his bedroom spoiled his mood.


	13. Chapter 13: Love is a Choice (Leonard)

Chapter 13: Love is a Choice (Leonard)

* * *

Summary: "Sometimes, no matter how much you want something, it's not enough to just want it. To get one thing, you've got to give up another. There are things that, to me and Jim, mean more than being together," he said gently, his hand resting on Joanna's knee.

* * *

Leonard didn't know when he'd fallen asleep, but he woke on Jim's couch in darkness, a blanket drawn over him. He could hear quiet talking from the hallway and groggily shifted so he could glance out over the view. Jim was talking to Carol, who was still dressed up from her date. George was balanced on her hip. Jim laughed quietly, pressed a kiss onto his son's head and said his goodbyes.

The door shut and Leonard relaxed back against the sofa. It must have been late if Carol was back from her date to pick up the boy. He heard the sound of Jim's socked feet against the carpet as the other approached the couch and craned his head so he could see the other. Jim came into view and smiled, seeing he was awake.

"Figured you were tired. It was a late night last night," Jim said, tapping on Leonard's leg to get him to draw up his feet. Leonard allowed the other to settle onto the couch before he stretched his legs back out across Jim's lap.

"What time is it?" he asked, fearing his sleep pattern would be well and truly fucked if it was too late. Jim shrugged.

"About ten," he replied. Leonard groaned and buried into the cushions of the sofa. Perhaps if he just went back to sleep he could sleep through until morning?

"While you were asleep, my orders came through," Jim said softly. Leonard's eyes opened immediately. He felt a weight settling in his gut. Jim's tone didn't sound good and he wondered if he'd been saddled with the desk role he would hate. He struggled to sit up, scowl in place.

"I'm being given back the Enterprise. Going to be a two year tour," Jim said and Leonard felt hollow. He didn't know what to say. Congratulations would make it sound like he didn't mind that Jim was going to be gone for two years, but any other response would sound like he wished Jim had got an earthbound assignment.

He could see his own dilemma mirrored on Jim's face. Leonard had thought that perhaps they'd have a few days ignorance, pretending that it all didn't matter, before the harsh reality set in. It seemed not.

"Two years, huh?" he said, more to fill the silence than to make any comment. Jim reached for his hand.

"Yeah. I spoke to Carol about it a bit. She's going to make sure that George is registered as my son officially, so that I can get time with him if I need it…" Jim's fingers threaded through his own and Leonard knew that Jim was trying to talk around the subject. He looked into Jim's eyes, the gentle lamp light in the room making them look a deeper blue than usual.

"Come with me, Bones. It's just two more years," Jim whispered and Leonard swallowed a lump in his throat. He could see the self-hatred in Jim's eyes at asking him to do it, could see the stubborn hope there as well. He squeezed Jim's hand.

"I can't," he said, his voice still gruff with sleep. Jim looked away, his face falling. Leonard reached out, touching Jim's face, forcing the other to look into his eyes.

"We knew that this was happening, darlin'," he said and all of a sudden, he wished he had never come. He wished he'd just brushed off Joanna and Jocelyn's meddling and left them as they had been. As friends they could have parted on good terms, bittersweet and unrequited but free to move on without the other. Now, it felt like he'd tied them together and was now cutting the cords to pull them apart.

"Maybe we should just… just chalk this up to another thing we've done in our friendship and-" Leonard began but Jim drew his hand away, staring at him betrayed.

"Are you kidding me? You just want to forget this every happened?!" Jim asked, his voice rising in volume. Leonard stared at Jim. He hadn't thought that Jim would see it as too much of a problem. A way to keep each other, even if it wasn't in the way they both wanted.

"Jim, two years is a long time. Even if you luck out and get all your shore leave on Earth, you're going to be spending months at a time in the black," Leonard pointed out. He felt selfish, but he knew that part of it was self-preservation.

How would he feel the first time the press reported on Jim's exploits elsewhere? When he read about the latest rumours of Jim marrying an ambassador or a high priestess or Admiral's daughter? How was he supposed to cope when he knew that Jim was on a starship, probably working his way through every attractive officer? He didn't want to be that idiot, that one that waited two years only to have it fall apart slowly piece by piece while they were on other sides of the galaxy.

"I waited years for this and you think I'm going to give up on it so easily now?" Jim asked. Leonard could see the stubborn determination in the other's gaze and he shook his head.

"We've slept together once, kid. That's not a foundation for a long distance relationship," he pointed out. Jim pushed Leonard's legs off his lap, standing up and walking to the fireplace. Leonard would have thought he was trying to hide, were it not for the mirror above it that showed every line of Jim's face.

"I meant what I said. This hasn't been a short-term thing for me," Jim said, his shoulders slumped. Leonard pulled at the blanket trapping his legs impatiently. "Shit Bones, I've been waiting for this probably since that day in that goddamned shuttle and now you're just telling me to forget about it all?!"

Leonard finally got himself free, standing up so that he felt less out of balance with Jim. He felt thrown off balance slightly. He had thought it had been a recent thing for Jim, a new thing, perhaps spurred on by the end of the mission and the chance of losing each other. But was Jim really talking about ten years ago?

"You can't be serious," Leonard said. Jim turned sharply, eyes shining and furious.

"Can't I? Why not? Because it's not convenient for you?" Jim growled. Leonard shook his head and took a few steps forward, his arms wrapping around Jim's waist. He pulled Jim forcibly against him and at first the other tried to pull back, tried to evade, but eventually he stood there, stiffly, in Leonard's arms.

"You're misunderstandin' me," Leonard said and his hand reached into Jim's hair, stroking through it. He felt Jim relax minutely against him. "I'm not an optimistic soul, Jim. I would love it if I could just send you off into the black with a grin and a 'see you in two years sweetheart'. But I can't do that. We both know that two years is a long time to wait for anyone."

"I've waited ten years-" Jim protested but Leonard shushed him.

"You slept with a fair few people in that time, darlin'. And so did I. I'm not the kind of person who's going to look lightly on something like that just because we're not on the same planet," he said. Jim's arms moved to circle around him.

"I wouldn't-"

"Jim, I know you. You're going to get lonely and there's going to be some emergency and you're going to be desperate to prove your alive. One thing will lead to another and I'm going to receive a comm from you with your eyes full of guilt," Leonard wished he could stop his mouth running, but he couldn't. He couldn't pretend that the power of love or some such nonsense was strong enough. Hell, if that was the case he wouldn't have been divorced in the first place to be having this conversation with Jim at all.

"Do you really think so little of me?" Jim asked and his voice sounded broken. Leonard pulled back, looking Jim in the eye.

"No, Jim, I don't. Even so, we've got to be realistic-"

"Fuck that. I'm not going to-"

"Jim, listen to me," Leonard cut him off, leaning his forehead against the other's so he wouldn't have to look at Jim's betrayed expression any longer.

"We both need time to think about this, to think about what we're prepared to do, what we're prepared to put up with, in order to make this work. Right now, neither of us are thinking straight, we're just reactin' to it without thinking enough," he kept his voice level. He could hear Jim's breathing, ragged, like he was physically injured by Leonard's words.

"Please, Bones…" he whispered and Leonard had to pull away, had to draw back. He couldn't do this. It was too raw, too much.

"Jim, I want nothing more than to believe that we can make this work for two years and then you'll come back and everything will be perfect. But not even you can be that naïve."

Jim didn't reply to that, didn't have the words or the strength. Leonard saw himself out.

* * *

The journey to Atlanta was too short. It wasn't enough time for Leonard to gather his thoughts together or to piece together the parts of him that seemed to have shattered. He knew that it would be a few hours out to Jocelyn's place, that he might have a few more hours to consider how his life had come together and fallen apart in such a short space of time, but he knew it wasn't enough.

It probably never would be enough.

He watched the Georgia countryside roll passed him. Sweat formed on his brow and he wiped it away, trying desperately to banish the lost look on Jim's face. His body still ached dully, reminding him that less than twenty four hours ago he'd felt like he had to whole goddamn planet given to him.

The Treadway house was a large house on the end of a private road. It was surrounded by trees so that passersby couldn't see inside. As he opened the gate and walked up towards it, he could see the immaculate gardens, the picturesque house with vines growing up the front, the idyllic perfection of what was someone's home not just a house they lived in.

Jocelyn had given Joanna a good place to live.

He stepped onto the porch and rang the bell, feeling somewhat like an outsider, intruding on a world that didn't need him. He waited for a long moment before he heard footsteps in the hall. Clay Treadway answered the door, tall and broad, his stereotypically handsome features marked with surprise.

"McCoy," he greeted him with a nod of his head. Leonard couldn't be bothered with the fake pleasantries. This man had stripped away his life once, taken away his wife and daughter at a time he'd needed them the most. Yet all things considered, Leonard couldn't drudge up enough effort to be hostile.

"Clay. Is Jocelyn in? I rang ahead but I'm a little early," he said, shrugging slightly. Clay's eyebrows raised and he stepped aside to allow Leonard in. He thanked him, stepping inside and waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darker inside of the hallway. Pictures lined the stairs, Joanna at various stages of growing up, grinning and laughing. Leonard wasn't in any of them, naturally.

"Joss! Visitor!" Clay shouted up the stairs. There was nothing for a moment, then the sound like a stampede from upstairs. Leonard glanced at Clay before he saw Joanna appear at the top of the stairs. He almost shouted a warning as he saw her pelt down the stairs, taking two, three at a time before she threw her arms around his neck.

Jocelyn appeared at the stairs a lot more sedately, walking down them carefully. She had a t-shirt in her hand that she was folding carefully.

"Leonard, we weren't expecting you for a few hours," she said, her eyes looking over him. She glanced at Clay and gestured with her head to the kitchen. He rolled his eyes.

"Want anything to drink McCoy?" he offered, already walking away.

"Sweet tea would be fantastic if you've got it," he said. Clay nodded and disappeared down the hall. Leonard realised that Joanna hadn't let go of him and reached up to disentangle her arms.

"When mom said you were coming I didn't know what to think! Did you talk to Jim? Did you sort things out with him?" Joanna was asking. Leonard sighed and held up his hands.

"Got somewhere we can all talk, Joss?" he asked. His ex-wife smiled and gestured for them to walk into the dining room. Leonard sat at the table and Joanna sat immediately next to him. Jocelyn put the table between them and he was grateful, because he knew this conversation was going to be difficult.

Clay came in, a tray with a pitcher and glasses on it. He set it on the table, kissing Jocelyn's cheek in a possessive gesture that made Leonard raise an eyebrow. Really, he supposed he shouldn't be surprised. Someone who had stolen someone else's wife probably had insecurity that the same wife would be stolen from him at some point. Clay then retreated out of the room to go do whatever it was he did. Leonard guessed it couldn't be much if he was home in the middle of the day on a weekday.

"You said you had something you wanted to talk to us about," Jocelyn said, pouring the three of them glasses of the tea. Leonard accepted his glass with thanks and took a sip to try to steady himself.

"I wanted to talk to Joanna about Starfleet," he said. Jocelyn's expression went carefully blank. Beside him, Joanna sat up a little straighter.

"And just what is it you came here to say, Leonard?" Jocelyn's voice didn't waver, but it was devoid of any warmth. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I just wanted to talk about what you'd decided," he said, trying to appear as neutral as possible. Jocelyn had a thing about going after perceived weaknesses and Leonard had learned not to show his full hand too early on.

"You wouldn't have come all the way to Georgia for that," Jocelyn pointed out. Leonard allowed a bitter smile to cross his features.

"Oh, you have no idea where I'd go right now to get away from San Francisco for a bit," he said, sipping more of the tea. Jocelyn looked at him, her brow furrowed.

"Why would you want to be away from San Francisco?" Joanna asked, leaning in with concerned eyes. Leonard shrugged.

"So, what was the decision?" he asked, looking at Jocelyn. The woman didn't respond at first. She smoothed the folded t-shirt on the table. Joanna beside him was almost vibrating with the need to speak.

"We decided that we would allow Joanna to go," she said finally. Leonard sagged into his chair, his emotions conflicted. His little girl going into space was a terrifying thought, but the thought of her being in San Francisco, at the Academy while he was…

"She's staying with me then. There's no way she's goin' into dorms," Leonard said, aware of Joanna's delighted gasp next to him. Jocelyn shook her head.

"That's a kneejerk response to this. I'm sure the dorms are perfectly-" Jocelyn's mouth closed when she saw the look on Leonard's face. He wasn't sure what he was projecting, particularly, but he needed this.

"You spoke to Jim," she said and Leonard looked away. He didn't want to discuss this, not now when it was so mixed up even in his own head. Jocelyn didn't seem to care though.

"He got his orders through. Two year tour," Leonard said, waving a hand and trying to seem dismissive. He could see Joanna was watching him carefully.

"And you pushed him away, didn't you? Oh Jesus, Len, you're a piece of work sometimes," Jocelyn said, rolling her eyes. She looked at Joanna and then shook her head. "Yes, Joanna can stay with you in San Francisco. I'm going to assume that's the decision you've reached by yourself about this all anyway, isn't it?"

Leonard sipped his tea and didn't reply. He felt Joanna's hand on his arm and he raised his eyes to look at her. His daughter was staring at him, hazel eyes bright, hope and trust shining there so strongly. She didn't have his pessimism, the realism that crippled his happiness, not yet. She saw things so simply and Leonard wondered if it would be a mistake to bring her into his world.

"I can live with you, dad?" she asked, sounding breathless. Leonard nodded, once. Joanna launched herself into his arms, knocking over his sweet tea as she did so. Jocelyn tutted and went to get a cloth to mop it up while Joanna hung on his neck like a monkey.

"But what did mom mean about you and Jim? Did you talk to him?" Joanna drew back, looking concerned. Leonard stared at his daughter's face, seeing the genuine concern there and not knowing what to do about it. He shook his head.

"We talked about it, but two years is a long time for anyone to wait for someone. We've got to be realistic about it all," he said. Joanna sat down, her body angled towards him. Jocelyn returned with the cloth and started to mop up the spillage wordlessly.

"What do you mean? Jim loves you… don't you love him too?" Joanna asked. Leonard stared at her. Oh to be sixteen again and to have such a simple view of it all.

"Sometimes, no matter how much you want something, it's not enough to just want it. To get one thing, you've got to give up another. There are things that, to me and Jim, mean more than being together," he said gently, his hand resting on Joanna's knee. Joanna's eyes widened.

"It's because of me, isn't it? If it weren't for me you'd have gone back into space with Jim and-" she began but Leonard smiled and reached out, smoothing her hair.

"Love is about choosing. You choose to love strongly or passionately or gently and then sometimes you have to choose to let that go as well. I don't know if anything would happen between Jim and I, I wouldn't even care to predict it, but I do know that I'd never regret choosing to spend time with you instead," he said softly. Joanna stared at him, her expression shocked.

"Leonard, that's a bit heavy to put on a teenage girl," Jocelyn said as she abandoned the wet cloth on the table. Leonard sighed and leaned back.

"Sorry, Joss," he said, glancing at his ex-wife before turning back to Joanna. "Jim knew that this would be my choice at the end of it all. I want to see my daughter graduate, to watch her become a woman and build a career and a family. Admittedly, not in Starfleet but I don't have much of a say either way about that."

Joanna leaned forward and hugged him wordlessly. He glanced at Jocelyn but the other just shook her head.

"I'll have the guest bedroom made up, Len. It seems like you need some company tonight."

* * *

He returned to San Francisco the day before the Enterprise was due to leave. He hadn't been counting the days, not at all, but he hadn't been keen on returning either. His communicator had no missed calls. Jim had not tried to contact him at all.

He opened the door to his apartment, throwing his keys into the bowl by the door, and taking off his shoes. It was empty, with a smell that said he'd forgotten to empty the fruit bowl before he'd taken off to spend a few weeks in Georgia. He went into the kitchen, disposing of things that looked like one of Spock's experiments with a grimace.

He spent a few hours just pottering around, cleaning, sorting out things so that Joanna would have places to put her stuff when she joined him in a few weeks time. His mother was also going to come visit, his impromptu arrival at the ranch and announcement that Joanna was going to be living with him had convinced her to take the shuttle over to San Francisco just before the start of term to get to know her granddaughter again.

He got to Joanna's room and started to clear out Jim's papers from the desk. When he got to the bottom drawer, he saw the photograph. Looking at it now, he could see things differently. He'd always assumed that Jim had been looking at him and Gaila because he'd found it amusing that Gaila had tried to make moves on him and how he'd react. Now, with Jim's words – since that shuttle – he could see it differently.

He wondered if that was what Joanna had seen. Had seen a photograph of Jim clearly jealous over Gaila's hand creeping up Leonard's thigh? He took it from the guest room. He didn't know where to put it, but knew that it should go up somewhere.

He frowned as the buzzer went. He was still looking at the picture, wondering where to put it when he answered the door. He glanced up to see Jim there. The other looked just as surprised to see him. Had Jim thought he wouldn't be here? He barely registered it though before Jim was pushing forward, grabbing him by the shoulders and kissing him.

And Leonard felt the resolve he'd built slip away, his walls being dismantled expertly by Jim's lips sliding over his own.

A moment later he was being shoved against the wall, Jim's eyes furious as he claimed his lips again, harder, rougher, almost punishing and Leonard felt the picture slip from his grasp as he reached to grab fistfuls of Jim's shirt and push back. Jim was stronger though, keeping him pinned until they were both breathless.

"You asshole. You absolute, fucking, asshole," Jim hissed as he pulled away. Leonard took a few moments to consider those insults before nodding. He probably deserved them.

"You fucking ran away. Do you know how shitty that was? There I was, thinking that the next day I could come over, sort it out, maybe even make the most of the time we have left but no! No you've disappeared off the face of the fucking planet and no one knows where the hell you are!" Jim was shouting, pacing like a caged animal. Leonard swallowed and pushed himself away from the wall.

"I had my comm," he said, watching Jim warily. Jim shook his head, laughing hollowly.

"I figured you didn't want to be found, Bones," he said tiredly. Leonard gently pushed the front door shut, flicking the latch on and walking over to Jim. The other looked skittish, like a wild animal in an enclosure. He had bruises on his face. Brawling on shore leave? Leonard thought he'd grown out of that childish habit. The doctor who'd seen him obviously hadn't been particularly good either.

"You're right. I didn't. I went to Georgia to sort out where Joanna was going to stay when she joined the Academy and then spent the rest of my time at the ranch with my ma," he said, shrugging slightly. Jim made a strangled sound.

"Does it not mean anything to you?" he asked and Leonard sighed.

"Jim… It's because it means so much that I've gotta back away. We're going to get hurt and-" he wasn't expecting Jim to grab him by the collar.

"Don't you fucking say it. I've spent weeks contemplating this. Thinking you were right, thinking you were wrong, hating you for running away, realising that there was no way I could compete with your only child, realising that I'm a shit person for being more worried about leaving you behind than my own kid, so don't you dare tell me what's going to happen in the future," Jim snarled. Leonard stared at him. So Jim had put that genius brain to work, huh?

"What did you decide?" Leonard asked. Jim's hands moved from his lapels, dropping to his sides.

"I decided that I spent years regretting never making a move, I'm not going to give up now at the home stretch. Two years versus a life time of regrets and 'what ifs'? You should know me well enough to know what I'm going to choose Bones," he said. Leonard looked at him, truly looked this time. He could see the way Jim's eyes were darting around, trying to take in everything about his body language, trying desperately to read him. He could see the determined line that Jim's mouth made as he tried to convince himself that he was right. He could see the trembling in Jim's jaw as he fought and gritted his teeth.

"You're an idiot," he said, but his voice lacked conviction. Jim's eyes became slowly hopeful.

"Bones?" His voice held a gentle, wistful edge to it. Leonard sighed.

"Two fucking years of worrying if your new CMO is good enough to patch up your reckless butt. I must be insane."

* * *

Leonard didn't watch the Enterprise depart. He didn't say goodbye to Jim.

Later that night he got a comm patched through from off-world and sighed when Jim's voice filled the room.

"So, Bones, what are you wearing?"

"I swear to god, Jim, if you start every comm like that-"


	14. Epilogue: Two Years Later

Chapter 14: Epilogue: Two Years Later...

* * *

Summary: Leonard fidgeted and tried to straighten his uniform out. It was a little more snug around the waist than he was used to. Joanna turned out to be a pretty good cook, and Bones hadn't been working out as much as he perhaps should have been due to late nights at the hospital. The fact that he'd just come from there, worked his shift and caught a hovercar straight across, made him feel unkempt and scruffy in comparison to the other people waiting.

* * *

Notes: I want to thank each and every one of you who bookmarked, left likes or kudos, or commented, messaged, emailed, read over chunks of chapters... Just all of you. It's been an amazing journey through this fic, and I would never have thought that I'd complete it, certainly not so soon. I hope you enjoy the conclusion of this fic. There might be the odd one shot set in this universe coming, but I feel it's pretty wrapped up as it is. There are some things left unresolved, but really, life is some complicated that some things just are, right? Thank you all for following this over the last month! See you all soon (I hope).

* * *

Leonard fidgeted and tried to straighten his uniform out. It was a little more snug around the waist than he was used to. Joanna turned out to be a pretty good cook, and Bones hadn't been working out as much as he perhaps should have been due to late nights at the hospital. The fact that he'd just come from there, worked his shift and caught a hovercar straight across, made him feel unkempt and scruffy in comparison to the other people waiting.

Wave after wave of people were beaming down from the Enterprise, greeting their loved ones. Beside him, Joanna was virtually vibrating. She'd got all kinds of plans for when Jim arrived. Most involved various expensive restaurants that she assumed a Commodore would be able to afford and Leonard wasn't going to argue that.

Beside him, Carol clutched George's hand. The little guy grew so fast. Barely a month ago, when Leonard had done his last medical, he hadn't seemed so tall. Now he was nearly four, chattering away with the abandon of a child who didn't really understand what was going on.

"I'm kind of nervous," he admitted. Carol raised an eyebrow, looking at him.

"You have nothing to worry about. You tamed Jim Kirk. I didn't even think that was possible," Carol joked, tightening her hold on George as he tried to run off. The bridge crew materialised now, Spock and Nyota stepping off the pad together. Nyota waved at him and mouthed 'next one'. He waved back shyly.

He hadn't seen Jim since their wedding almost eighteen months ago. It had been a nice occasion, made nicer by the fact that Jim had booked them a room together and they hadn't left it other than to attend the wedding itself. It had been a relaxed few days, but had been over far too soon and then they were back to communications and cold, lonely beds.

The white glow indicated the Commodore was about to materialise and Leonard felt his heart go into his mouth. What if Jim didn't want him anymore? What if Jim was tired of waiting and had moved on? Just hadn't wanted to ditch him by comm? What if they met and they didn't have that chemistry?

Jim was suddenly there, smiling graciously for the cameras. Leonard didn't move until he felt a blur brush passed him. George had run forward, arms waving excitedly as he screamed 'Daddy!'. Jim laughed, kneeling down to gather his son into his arms, spinning him and planting kisses on his face. The reporter's bulbs flashed brightly.

"Commodore, is it true you're going to marry Carol Marcus now you're back on Earth?"

"Commodore! Commodore! A moment please! Are there any more children on the way for you?"

Jim ignored them all, talking to his son in a low voice that the reporters couldn't catch in the commotion. Leonard growled. There was no way he was greeting Jim in this media circus. He was about to leave when he felt Joanna pull on his arm.

"Nuh-uh. You are coming with me right now and we are going to go say hello to Jim and welcome him home," she said firmly. Leonard felt himself pulled through the crowd. When they got to the nest of reporters though, it was like an impenetrable wall. Carol saw them from where she was stood at Jim's side and elbowed Jim sharply.

Leonard felt his heart thud, hard, in his chest when Jim's eyes met his. He could see it there, that joy of life echoing through every step Jim made towards him. Jim put George down, pointing for him to go to his mother. The reporters were still taking pictures, though the questions had died down.

"Bones," Jim greeted, grinning. Leonard raised an eyebrow.

"Jim," he responded. He heard Joanna make a frustrated noise next to him and Jim laughed.

The kiss Jim pressed against his lips was short and chaste and Leonard didn't know if it was the flash photography or the kiss itself that made him light-headed. He scowled at Jim when the other pulled away.

"We survived," Jim murmured. Leonard relaxed, pulling Jim into a tight hug.

"That we did, kid, that we did."


	15. Epilogue: Two Years Later (Joanna)

**Notes:** I got a request for an epilogue from Joanna's point of view. I didn't want to just rewrite a scene from her POV, as Joanna's chapters have always been new content (with Jim and Bones just chirping in with their interludes) so instead have a domestic McKirk scene from Joanna's point of view. Hopefully it'll add a bit more closure.

* * *

Request: Epilogue from Joanna's Point of view

Joanna sat at the dining room table, watching her father and Jim doing the awkward dance of 'I'm so pleased to see you' and 'I didn't really miss you that much anyway'. She sipped the wine her father had put out especially to celebrate and then popped another bit of Chinese takeaway into her mouth.

Her father kept on fidgeting with his clothes and casting worried looks down to his waistline that made Joanna smirk. If her father had been paying less attention to how he looked and more at how Jim was looking at him… Well, it was enough for Joanna to think that perhaps she should get an early night and play loud music on her earphones.

They continued to skirt around subjects, making small talk. Every time their fingers brushed or they accidentally touched, it was like they'd been electrocuted. Joanna had to hide her laughter behind a cough more than once at how ridiculous they were being.

"Aah… It's good to be home," Jim said, stretching and patting his stomach. Joanna smiled.

"You going to be staying the night?" she asked, keeping her voice casual. Jim opened his mouth, cocky smile in place before he seemed to rethink his answer and glanced at her father instead.

"You can if you want," her father said gruffly. Joanna let out a snort, the awkwardness becoming more than she could stand.

"I can go back to my place if you-"

"No, no it's fine."

"Oh my god if you two would just listen to yourselves," Joanna finally said, pushing her plate away. Her father scowled at her and Jim just raised his eyebrows.

It had been bad enough over the last two years. Whenever Jim had been unable to get hold of her father, he'd messaged her instead. The amount of classes where she'd been forced to step out to take a ridiculously needy call from Jim, asking if her father was looking after himself, why he hadn't responded to messages, if he had been too lonely. It was almost too much.

Her father had been worse. Two years of fearing the worst but he just wouldn't talk about it. She'd known what was on his mind though. Whenever the papers ran stories with pictures of Jim with any kind of attractive woman, her father was grumpy and hostile for days. Then there were the comms that were sent by Spock, informing her father that the Commodore was incapacitated due to injury, space anomaly, allergic reaction or a myriad of other conditions. Those were the ones that she hated most, because her father would throw himself into his work then, disappearing for days until a new comm came in from Jim, seemingly well again.

And now, they'd finally got each other in the same room for the first time in over a year and they were trying to act like it wasn't a _big deal_. Joanna couldn't think of anything _bigger_.

"Dad, Uncle Jim, I'm going to spend the night at my friend's. I don't care what you do, I don't want to know what it is you're going to do, but I expect you to be less awkward with each other tomorrow, okay?" she said. Getting to her feet, she saw her father was blushing and she rolled her eyes.

"Joanna, really, you don't need to go anywhere," Jim was saying, his eyes darting between the two of them. Joanna shook her head.

"I don't think I need to draw diagrams of what you two should be doing instead of having this conversation with me, but I will if I have to," she replied. Her father stood up abruptly, starting to clear the table. Joanna chuckled and went to get her things.

Two years ago, when this had all started, she had barely known her father. He'd been a name, a face, a voice through a vidscreen, but nothing concrete. Now, two years into the Academy, and Joanna was starting to feel like she really did have two families. She'd got to know George and Carol, been to Spock and Nyota's wedding (though admittedly not seen much of her father while they were there), hungout with Hikaru and Pasha when they occasionally returned to Earth. It felt like a family. It was a family. A different one than the one she had in Georgia, but no less complete for it.

She packed her overnight things, including her textbooks for her courses the next day. No doubt she'd probably go straight there in the morning, rather than making the trip back across town. She looked around her room.

It was full of photographs. Her mother and Clay on the visit to San Francisco last fall, her father wearing a stupid paper crown at Christmas and looking grumpy, her friends from the Academy in their cadet reds having passed their first year… Finally, the one she liked best, was a picture from Spock and Nyota's wedding.

She sat between her father and Jim in the photograph. The two of them had slung their arms around her shoulders and drawn her in. Jim was looking at the photographer, her father was kissing her cheek. Their smiles were so broad and wide, their bodies so relaxed. It had been then that she'd known that despite her father's melancholy states, despite Jim's desperately needy comms, that the two of them were going to be alright.

When she got out of her room, she heard laughter from the kitchen. She popped her head inside to see her father was washing up, listening to Jim who was leaning against the counter, sipping his wine. She smiled and drew back, guessing she should probably leave them to it.

She left a note on the table, scribbling the name of the friend and their contact number in case her dad needed it and slipped out the door.

The sound of her father's laughter followed her down the hallway.


End file.
